I'm 18 months older than my brother. We were both bottle-fed. My mother always used to tell the story that I was "so good" when they brought him home, until the moment I saw him being fed. Then I cried and cried, because I thought they'd given him my bottle.

This has affected me at my absolute core, and I have the absolute knowledge that in every relationship of affection, I will sooner or later be replaced, no matter how "good" I am. My head tells me that's not true but, at heart, it is just my absolute truth.

For a long time it did affect my attitude to food too - food = love, love can be withdrawn/given to another instead, grab food while you can.

The lightbulb came to me about 20 years ago, though, since when I've -twice - become the fattest I've ever been. This time, I'm really battering the weight down - but the replaceability never seems to leave me.

For me? No. But I'm proudly weird and always have been. I got fat because I didn't know what a portion was and wasn't moving nearly as much as I thought I was.

For my brother? And emphatic definitely. I mourn the loss of who my brother could have and should have been because a traumatic event from our adolescence sent him toward alcohol and he mains a severe alcoholic 20 years later.

I came out unscathed because I was determined to. I have now lost weight because I was determined to.

This is all you need to know.

I have found something else about myself, and it's probably true for a lot of people. Some people's growth gets stunted due to a traumatic event. Like an alcoholic may never mature past the age when they started drinking. My emotions never matured past the age of a 12 year old, exactly the age when my parents screwed up. A few summer ago my father accidentally did a near repeat of that event (really complicated to explain, sorry), and my emotions returned to that of a 12 year old. I reacted the same way as a 34 year old as I would have as a 12 year old.

It's not surprising you have a reaction to food, especially since it's what's you turned to in your time of need. I think recognizing that is at least extremely beneficial.

Also, I'm extremely inter-reflective. It's just therapeutic to come to terms with how I tick. So I think it's really neat that you are turning inwards while you fight this good fight. You're doing well.

I'm an adult survivor of sexual abuse. I didn't start medicating/comforting myself with food until an adult when the voices in my head that belittled me became unbearable. I also didnt' gain weight until I no longer was getting enough physical activity to support my food intake. For me it was a combo. I dont' think that any one thing caused my weight gain. But it wasn't until I accepted, forgave and truly loved myself that I was able to lose the weight. It has been a life altering experience. I applaud anyone who is willing to address childhood trauma to heal themselves.

Wow, there are some amazing people on this board!! Thank you for sharing with me, and supporting me. It may seem weird, but you are all helping to see myself in a different light. I am a huge believer in the saying knowledge is power. I have found that in my fight with PCOS.
Thank you so much.

Pink Hoodie I am very sorry for the loss of your first pregnancy. I know all too well how devestating that can be and my heart goes out to you. Dont give up on trying.

I used to believe this, in fact I think I got my bachelor's degree AND master's degree in psychology, largely to understand and hopefully cure myself.

I think it only seems to be true, because no one escapes childhood or adolescence (or life in general) without some kind of trauma. If you're alive and human, you can point to trauma in your life and believe that it caused any problem you want to blame on it.

I spent decades trying to address my emotional issues, and largely by accident, I learned that emotional issues weren't causing my eating any more (or any less) than my eating was causing my emotional issues.

A lot more of my food issues and even emotional issues (far more than I ever would have expected) are physiological. If I eat a lot of carbs, my emotional state is less stable than when I eat only lower-carb, lower GI whole foods.

I wasn't eating because I was crazy, I was feeling crazy because of what I was eating.

When I eat well, get decent sleep, exercise, and generally take good care of myself, my coping skills are stronger and easier to use.

If I eat crap, don't get decent sleep, burn the candle at both ends, put my needs last... my weight loss and my mental health suffers.

I think it can be a chicken-egg dilemma. Does trauma cause overeating, or does overeating exacerbate trauma? I think the answer is yes (to both). It's a self-perpetuating cycle that snowballs. The worse you eat, the worse you think/feel. The worse you think/feel, the worse you eat, an endless downward spiral.

The good news is that the reverse is also self-perpetuating. The better you eat, the better you think/feel. The better you think/feel, the better you eat (so long as you're paying attention and making the effort).

Kaplods...there is wisdom in your post. Thank you.