His money and your chores? Yeah, I'm agreeing with the other posters, you need to nip this in the bud.

I don't work outside my home. BUT I work plenty inside my home! If I need something and it's within budget I get it. If hubby said anything I would have to go whoop-*** on him.

Well I don't know, as a SAHM and wife I have a different perspective on this - I ALWAYS run purchases by my husband if it is more than a few dollars, and he does the same with me. It is OUR money and kids, home, marriage, etc etc but we are working on reducing out debt and spending responsibily, and he is the one who handles our accounts because he is better at it than me. When he asks me not to purchase something or to wait, it is not him being controlling but rather protecting our family by managing our funds more wisely.

He's not usually saying 'no' to be a jerk, but because we can't afford it at the current time without incurring more debt. And when we are budgeted to the last cent, sometimes $20 purchases have to wait a few weeks until the timing is better for our family. It is out of love and care for our family that he sometimes curtails my spending habits, not to be a controlling jerk. When we married we mutually agreed upon not making purchases that would be a financial issue for us, and so sometimes that means going without. That's just the nature of being a young family with kids and some debt from our marriage, house repairs, health expenses, etc.


I agree with the other posters that you two need to sit down and have a conversation about what money can possibly be allotted to an 'entertainment' budget for each of you to spend as you see fit, without the other's permission to spend it. It may be that you just haven't talked it out and thus are on different pages as to how you want to manage your finances.

Different things work for different families, but I personally have issues with separate accounts. I feel better workig jointly and in harmony wih my husband on our spending, and that requires transparency in ALL financial transactions. Our money and resources are too scarce to not be in sync with one another as to where it is going.

My husband is a lot more of a penny pincher than me, and more pragmatic (engineer), so he is apt to be more frugal and utilitarian than me on personal purchases. I understand that and he understands MY desires - so beyond basic monetary issues he trusts my judgment on what I want to spend on myself and vice versa. That trust and understanding took a few months of marriage to figure out - but it is worth it to alleviate discord in our financial outlooks. We blended everything else when we got married - bank accounts and spending habits had to follow as well; and it was an adjustmen for both of us.

Yes, we went through this when I bought my treadmill: "What`s wrong with running in the forest?" He`s now changed his mind as he sees me using it and losing weight.

If you use it enough to make a difference to your body, nothing will be too expensive (unless you can`t afford it).

If you dislike it so much that you don`t ever use it the cheap stuff is still too expensive!

We do the same, and it works really well for both of us. Neither of us would want it any other way. He has some spending habits which I don`t agree with and vice versa, but as it`s not my/his money we do not argue about it.

Stella

Maybe it's time to remind him that the words "wife" and "maid" don't mean the same thing!

I can imagine this is frustrating for you, and hard to bring up because no one wants to fight. But I agree with the other posters, and your own statements, he's equal, not your superior, and this doesn't seem to be really all about money. Good luck!

We have 1 account that all the money gets dumped into and bills, savings, etc., get paid out of. We consult each other on big ticket items (>$100 or so). If I wanted/bought something and he made a comment about the condition of the house, it would not be pretty, I guarantee it. I am the primary breadwinner at this time but that is irrelevant. I have been a SAHM and it was the same then. You guys need to have a heart to heart about this.

Have recently moved to the separate account situation after 20 years of marriage, and BOY was that liberating. My parents did it after 40 years of marriage and they said the same....

We each keep a little money on the side for ourselves. My DH has never said A WORD about anything I have spent over the years, and visa versa... we each contribute equally to the household finances and roughly equally for household chores-- he cleans, cooks, and watches the kids and so do I, depending on who is home at the time.

BUT it's so hard for me to spend on myself. I feel guilty EVERY SINGLE time I buy something for myself. Consequently, I've walked around in raggedy clothes and denied myself things for years. Whenever I think money is tight, I cut out things for myself-- shoes, hair cuts, whatever...

For a long time, we were close to broke all the time-- both of us spent years getting graduate degrees-- but now we're more comfortable...

I wish we had set up small personal spending accounts since the beginning... even it was just five dollars a weeks.

If you're the self-sacrificing, put yourself last type then having a little bit of your own money can go a huge way!

Well, I tried to have that heart to heart with him last night but he wasn't having any of that. So I walked away to give him a cooling off period and will try again today when I get home from work.

I explained to him how the cheap weights I have now are crap and how they scratch and fall apart and what not and he now understands why I want something better. I also told him that I am an adult, and when I want something, it's not just because 'I WANT IT!!' I do research, and make sure it's really what I want and when I finally decide it's the best item for what I need, I don't need him second guessing me just because it might be a bit spendy. So we made a little progress.

I just wanna add that I'm not completely innocent in this either. I HATE to clean and I've developed a few bad habits like not throwing away trash and letting the dishes go for too long. And when the mess starts to bother him, he will clean it up. He has told me he gets frustrated because he feels like he is the only one that is cleaning. So I do need to suck it up and start cleaning on a more regular basis and work on MAINTAINING a clean house once it gets there. But you are all right, the condition of the house should not matter when I want to buy something.

Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. Reading from you ladies empowers me to stand up for myself! I'll let you know how the second talk goes!
's to all

I personally find your husband's behaviour controlling and I would not be able to live with it. I assume that you do not make unjustified purchases left and right so he thinks this is just another one of those expenses. But he shouldn't, you have "proved" to him that the substitues are not as good as the real thing. Besides, this your health and your well-being we are talking about here. You earn your salary and contribute to the household and you are entitled to buy stuff that you need. We are not even talking about anything expensive, it's just darn dumbells!

I see that some posters are in favour of separate accounts. I look at it differently, because unless both partners make the same amount, the person earning less will be shortchanged. Not to mention the fact that we still live in a society where women are getting paid less when doing the same work as their male counterparts (don't get me started on that). I have always preferred a joint account and always will. Big purchases need to be discussed and okayed by both spouses, but a pair of dumbells?!?!?

I have been married 15 years and here is what I know in my marriage. It is much easier to ask forgiveness than permission. So, I say, buy what you want and say, "Sorry honey, I thought it would be ok since it was necessary for my good health." Buy what you need.

I agree with Tomato. It's a pair of $20 dumbbells. Really. I know in my family that sometimes $20 dollars spent on something that can wait can mean not getting what we need to live but we're also 3 people on 1 small income. As you said, you work and you aren't hurting for money here. If he can go spend $100's on bike parts without blinking an eye, you should be able to get a some $20 dumbbells.

Seriously. If it was a $$$$ piece of equipment then yes, it would need to be discussed. But dumbbells? Come on.

The cleaning is a totally separate issue and should not come into it. The fact that he even mentions it sounds like he may want to punish you by withholding the $ 20.00? You shouldn`t have to work for something like that.

If you do not earn any money, how about him giving you a fixed monthly allowance for your personal requirements, and you agree that you can spend that as YOU see fit, w/a him interfering?

This soujns reasonable if there is only one income.

I agree. It sounds like you are working for your keep or something.

my husband is the CHEAPEST man alive. seriously, this is a man who wont buy PAPER TOWELS because theyre "for rich people". i dont work either but i get a stipend from my school. i dont think it matters who works, once you get married the $$ is joint. i help pay bills with my money and have to talk to him before i buy something costly.

that being said, i like the wrist and ankle weights, lol. i use them when i walk though and not for strength training. maybe i have different ones tho b/c mine dont ever bother me.

go buy yourself some dumbbells!!