After losing about 70 pounds a few years ago (by counting calories and exercising) I gradually lost focus and slowly began the climb back up to where I was before. It was slow and very gradual. I am back on track now and have finally had the epiphany (is that how you spell that??) that showed me that this is a life-long issue that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. I liken it to being an alcoholic - I must always be aware of what I am doing. I will make this lifestyle choice for life and will live with it. End of story. I will make smart decisions aboutwhat I eat and what I do each and every day for the rest of my time on this earth. My hubby lost about 50 pounds with me and he has kept it off for over three years now. He weighs himself every morning and thinks about everything he eats - every day. If he indulges one day he compensates for it the next day. He also makes a conscious point of exercising nearly every day. I have finally recognized that this is what I must do as well. It's not easy - and it likely never will be - but I will do this. It is not a diet - it is my life every day from now on in...

I have to write a paper so I haven't had a chance to read this whole thread but I just wanted to say that this is the first time I've really been able to get my mind wrapped around the idea that my eating/exercise/calorie intake goals are permanent parts of my life. And this is the first time I've concentrated on weight loss and not felt every day like it was hard to "stay on my diet" or "I can't wait until I can eat "normally" again." And I think that has made an enormous difference.

For me a BIG trigger (which I should probably blog about later) was that I had always held weight loss surgery as my last resort. So I started looking at the lap band and gastric bypass really seriously. On a site about the lapband there was a quiz to see if you were ready to have the surgery. I'd done quite a bit of research so I took the quiz and there was a question that basically said are you willing to eat 1/4 cup of food per meal for the rest of your life. I went and took out a 1/4 cup measuring cup and looked hard at it and said "**** NO I do not want to do that!" My reaction shocked me. With my last resort gone I started that day to change my eating habits. That was about a month ago and so far no regrets, I'm not hungry, and I feel so much better.

I guess the reason I share that is that I used to hear other people tell me what many in this thread have probably told you about the difference between diet and life change but I never "got it" before. So if you feel like you're not "getting it" either you're not alone! I hope that doesn't sound patronizing - I'm writing really fast - but I feel like I see both sides and remember what it was like to have more of the diet mentality and I just know that never worked for me. I'm really hopeful that this time really will be different. It feels different!

Keep wrestling with these ideas and don't give up!!!

I agree. I also used to think this way and it doesn't work. This is now how I eat "normally" Nothing is absolutely off limits to me. I make a decision to eat something (for example pizza) and then compensate for it after. I will plan to have a treat and will cut back on other things before and after. As soon as I say I can never eat "X" again - I will not stop thinking about it and at the soonest chance I will binge on it. If I allow myself a treat occasionally I can live with that. And for me that is the key - being able to live with this.

Oh totally agree!!!

*This* is a normal way of eating. To eat reasonable amounts. To eat healthy food. To make rational decisions about what I should and shouldn't eat.

I think one thing that really helped me was realizing that my other way of eating was not normal. It was dangerously ABNORMAL. It's unhealthy. It's emotionally driven. It's impulsive and compulsive. There is nothing "normal" about the way I used to eat.

The way I eat now requires thought and accountability - just like many other things in life. And that is what's normal.

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You are all being very helpful, I think I have been expecting this to get easier as I go along. But it doesn't, and I think that maybe that is the problem with calling it a lifestyle change (for me). Because a lifestyle is something that comes without thinking, and I don't think I can ever let my guard down. So maybe I got it all wrong, and that is good, because then there is hope I can do better!

Maybe I should concentrate on building some willpower! That would be good for those days I think 'what is wrong with being fat?'. Sometimes I dowonder though, if it wouldn't be better to accept the way I am and be content instead of trying to change myself. But I suppose we all struggle with these questions?

Yeah, I struggled with the "What is wrong with being fat?" question all the way up to just under 200 pounds. Let me just say, "Plenty." If not now, then soon enough.

It will come more easily as time goes on, but it will probably never become completely automatic. Awareness! Mindfulness! Always!

Jay

You know .. sometimes it's not even willpower. Sometimes it's just ... I dunno. I don't even know the word for it. It's when you drag yourself out of bed at 7:30 in the morning after hitting the snooze button 4 times, and it's cold and it's raining and you didn't sleep well ... and you really really really don't want to go to work. But you do.

And really it's not willpower ... it's just ... it is. You do it because you do it. Because the option to *not* do it doesn't exist.

And sometimes it just sucks and you do it with a really bad attitude and want to tell everyone to just f-off and leave you alone.

And other times you bounce out of bed in the morning ready to take on the world and thinking about what a gorgeous morning it is .... and it's really easy and you feel really good about it.

Life is like that all the time. So why should eating be any different?

And honestly this was a realization I had to come to - because I wanted it to be easy. I wanted that magic bullet. And it was a long time before I thought to myself .. you know, no *other* part of my life is always a cake walk. Why should *this* be any different?

It's kinda mind blowing when you realize that. That it's ok to hate going to the gym sometimes. And it's ok to be pissed off that you aren't going to eat that piece of chocolate cake because you know it would be unhealthy. And it's ok to resent your skinny friends who seem to eat anything and not gain an ounce.

But it's even more ok to struggle through that and come out on the other side and realize that you did it.


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The thing is, it's *not* easier to be fat. When you view lifestyle changes at first they seem hard because they are different.

But being fat is harder (IMHO) than working towards/staying at goal.

- It's hard to lug around the extra poundage, but you don't notice that much until you lose some, since that effort is normal to you now.

- Psychologically it's hard to be fat. Yes, we all talk about fat acceptance and all that, but I wonder if there is a single person out there, if given the choice, would rather be overweight.

- All the choices that you have to make because of your weight are harder, like "Am I going to be the biggest person here?" "Are there seats that I can fit into comfortably here?" "How far is X from here, since I have to walk?" "Can I do X because of my size?" That is very wearing on the psyche.

If you really weigh the pros and cons of having to make a lifestyle change versus no change at all - I think you might be able to come up with a list of motivators to help you when you want to give up.

And the key is to keep trying. Changing your life is not a 100% perfect or not at all thing. There are days where things just go out the window (like yesterday for me). It happens, but you dust yourself of and continue on.

I don't think it is a matter of if you should accept being fat... everyone should love themselves no matter how they look. I think the thing that we CAN'T accept is how it is affecting our health! Loving yourself, fat and all, has nothing to do with being healthy and avoiding all of the common illnesses and side effects of carrying excess weight.

What ever you call it...diet, lifestyle change, journey...whatever, it means the same thing. You can't eat whatever you want whenever you want it. The buck stops here. It's over. Say goodbye to your best friend and hello to freedom.

I've come a long way, I've realized that my healthy diet is how I will need to eat for the rest of my life. Yes, sometimes I crave, and want, and desire foods that are not good for me but I try not to eat them. Unlike others, I do have to set limits. I can't allow myself some foods, because past history tells me what happens once I get even a small taste of things I'm prone to binge on. It's not worth it to me. One thing that keeps me from feeling deprived is reminding myself that I deprived myself of nothing up to an enormous weight of 333 pounds. I ate whatever, whenever, for whatever reason for many years. I know how it feels to eat until I'm sick. I know how it feels to eat an entire (family size) bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy and want to puke. To sit there comatose after a chocolate binge so tired and bloated I have to sleep it off. I KNOW... I know it sucks. I'm done intentionally making myself feel like trash. I'm tired of being the trash can. I'm tired of treating myslf like a 2nd class citizen.

I love waking up in the morning and feeling the beginning of hip bones and a stomach thats becoming flat, (more like deflated, but you get the drift). I love shopping and buying CUTE clothes. I love having a choice of what to wear instead of what fits. I hope that you will someday find the same joy I have in a "diet". Diets ROCK!

Very well said Lori.

Someone here has on their signature "Being fat is hard, losing is hard, maintaining is hard. Choose your hard." (I may not have gotten it exactly right...but I think about it a lot.)

If you don't want to lose weight...don't. But don't fall into the trap of feeling that it will magically disappear or stay off. Your story is mine...I lose and then gain...and then lose...and then gain. But somehow the gain is always a little bit more and the losing a little bit less and a lot harder. I thought of weight loss as a project.

Now, eating healthy is how I have to live. I echo all that photochick and Jayell (and many others) have said. If you think of dieting as a project it is doomed...projects end. Eating changes can't.

The only concrete suggestion I have is to record your eating...every day...forever. There is lots of research that most successful weight losers do this. It helps particularly when you get to a point where you are feeling good...since it is easy to add those calories without even being aware. (And for me, the funny thing is that when I am doing this I don't want to have to be unhappy about what I write down!)

You can do this...lots of folks have. The real question I see in what you write, is do you want to?