Lovestorun, Thanks for posting. This was one of my fears about getting married. I'm so young and there is so much more out there. I was always afraid I would regret it and be bored and no longer "in-love" and want out.

awwww, lovestorun... I don't know of my opinion is the best opinion on this subject, because ultimately I would say something like, "Follow your heart." but for all it's worth - I'm one of those silly people who believes in "till death do us part" - if you tied the knot, you must have believed in forever once, and therefore it's time to see what will make your marriage work... if nothing really can, then it's time to go... but give it a good, hard, honest try first.

Does your husband know that you're bored? What's boring about your marriage? I have not been married, but I've been in a 2.5 year relationship. At the age of 21, 2.5 years is a long time, you know? There have been times when I've been bored. There have been times when I wanted out. There have been times when I just wanted to be SINGLE again so I could be young and wild and free just like I was before getting seriously involved. But you know what? the good outweighed the bad in my case, I stayed, and we worked our issues out. Now, our relationship is great and all the passion and butterflies are back again - the same feelings we had when we first started seeing each other.

A few things you can try (depending on what area you are bored):
-Go on a vacation. It doesn't have to be elaborate - just a nice little get away to the nearest city and a night or two in a hotel away from the kids would be enough to potentially revive the passion.

-Buy some sex toys/buy a sex book with ideas for new positions/try some sexual things that you either have not tried yet or have not done in awhile. Boring sex is the worst, and I'm sure after 14 years, it's probably all the same - so see if you can spice it up a little!

-Go on a nice, romantic date... just to a really good restaurant and then a movie or play... or go out to a nice restaurant and then get ice cream... I know this is not much of a fat friendly idea, but everyone deserves the occasional cheat day, right? Especially you, you goal meister!

I'm thinking that maybe you need to have some time away from the kids. I don't have kids, so I'm not speaking from personal experience, but I have friends with kids and I've observed how much romance children can take away from a previously beautiful marriage.

If you don't have the time or the money for any of these ideas, just start writing down all the things you loved about your husband and have him do the same for you - all the things that attracted you to him initially and made you love him enough to marry him - let him know what they are and ask him to do the same. I think that if you remind yourself why you're in it in the first place, that you might become a little less bored and realize there were some great reasons you got involved.

I personally never in a million years thought I would be in this
situation! The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him or our
kids by making a "rash" decision or being "selfish". I was young
(24) when I got married and now I wish I would have waited another 5-6
years or so to get married.

You do deserve better ValentineBride and try to look at it this
way he probably did you a FAVOR!! Good Luck to you!

And ValentineBride, I sort of have a fear of marriage, even though I have someone I love very much. I just feel like marriage is... it... you know? Once you tie the knot, there's no going back.

I also have some fears that aren't the common ones, and those are:

well... the person I think I might marry just happens to be female - that's technically just legal in one state, but we don't need a piece of paper to tell us that we want to be together forever. That's not a problem... the problem is that both our parents are very religious and conservative, and frown highly upon our "lifestyle" (THEIR wording, NOT MINE!) My mom doesn't even want to think about it, or she will burst into tears, so she has kept herself in deep denial and insists that my girlfriend and I are just very close friends.

My girlfriend's parents don't even want to meet me, and I know I'll probably never meet them. I'm ok with that, but my girlfriend WANTS to meet MY parents. I'm SO nervous and SCARED about it that I'm trying to put it off as much as I can. I'm just afraid all **** will break loose.

First of all, I think you totally rock--in a hardcore kind of way.

Second of all, freaking CONGRATULATIONS for being in charge and refusing to let life just happen to you. You've lost SO much weight--the healthy way, this time around--you've overcome so much negativity, and you've been to fakeland and back--ALIVE!--have a parade.

Don't you hate the periods of self-loathing you go through? I'm currently PMSing so insanely hard and could probably tell you a story that would make your initial post sound like a fairytale--seriously.

But just remember, nobody can dictate how you feel about yourself. That is one area where you are in total and complete control. You're awesome. You know you're awesome, people who love you and care about you know you're awesome. The rest? You are rubber and they are glue, sista.

Focus on being healthy, on being positive, and make it a point to remind yourself of all the things that you LOVE about yourself. Nurture those aspects that you aren't too in love with--they deserve TLC too.

Keep up the good work, and way to go on sharing rather than doing something stupidly destructive--I think that's a huge step.

*hugs*

NightengaleShane- Thanks so much for your words. Your one of the
nicest people on 3FC- always encouraging. Your great!

I guess I can best describe our relationship as a "rut" we have
gotten so routine in our day to day life. He works as a Homicide
Investigator with the FHP and his job is very stressful and time
consuming. Therefore, everything is left for me to do! If I died
tomorrow he would be totally lost! I feel like his room-mate not
his wife!

I really like the "spice up the sex-life" idea that would be great
cause your right on the money it is way way boring and alot of
the time I feel he is in it for himself He is so conservitive and
not to willing to "step-out of the box". It is only recently that
it has begun to bother me so.

Since bringing it up more to him we have gone out a couple of
times "just us" and it was great. I really do want to work on it
and as Dr. Phil would say "I need to EARN my way out of this
marrige" by trying to make it work first.

Thanks for your advice- You actually made me tear-up!

Awww LeighAnnBites, thank you for your encouraging words! And if you have a raging PMS story, feel free to get it out if it will make you feel better. I know venting kind of goes both ways - it feels good to get it out sometimes, but other times, bringing it all up again just evokes all the emotions you want to avoid, so... I guess you can use your judgment.
Believe it or not, my confidence level has definitely increased since I've lost weight and I smile a lot more... but today I was just having one of those DAYS, you know?

Lovestorun - aww, really? I'm one of the nicest and most supportive? That means a lot. I think that is what this forum is for - regardless of our past situations, current situations, and/or our reasoning, we're all fierce women on a mission to lose weight and encourage each other to do so - that's the whole point of being a member here, in my opinion.

Conservative? Eugh! I'm sorry to hear that. - it's really sad how so many men really ARE in it for themselves - like once they get taken care of, it's just over! That's no fun! I meet women who complain about things like that and how they can only have orgasms with their vibrators and I DON'T wonder why. Of course, some men are GREAT in bed - I had an ex boyfriend who had amazing endurance and really enjoyed giving ME pleasure. I won't go into the details, but I'm sure you can figure it out. However, as a whole, I've seen that most guys ARE in it for themselves... but how do THEY not get bored of doing the same thing over and over again? Not to sound sexist... but maybe for some, it doesn't matter as long as they have theirs.

So, what is his reasoning for not wanting to step out of the box? Is he overly religious and in belief that non missionary sex is a sin, or does he just not care to cross new boundaries? Have you discussed it with him? If not, you NEED to! There HAS to be SOMETHING he wants to try! Who wants to go on with the rest of their life having BORING SEX? haha

Barbara

You have a very wise mother.

You have to value yourself for what you are not criticize yourself for what you arn't.

Kitty

Nerdy GT kid checking in LOL. I was fat until 7th grade when I got tired of being made fun of. Kids are ruthless. So I starved. Highlighted my hair...Demanded clothing from my mother that we really couldn't afford...But atleast everyone suddenly liked me :eyeroll:..I had friends..I could sit with the cool kids. Funny how shallow people are. I hate I was so dumb. Got my backbone back senior year of highschool when I had gained some weight back...I stopped being afraid to be me. I hated being fake just to have "friends". But it took awhile before I truly accepted myself, and unfortunately I gained alot of weight in the process. Now that I am more confident with the INSIDE me I feel good about moving forward with improving the outside. I had to love myself to make this journey work. I accepted me and LOVED me finally....And it has made this so much easier. There are still days when I look in the mirror and want to scream...But it gets better

Oh, Mary, our high school careers sound SO ALIKE - we both conformed and starved just to have "friends" that ended up not being true friends afterall. I was done with HS by 16, so my self discovery process happened *after* that BS was over.

I wonder why kids love to pick on fatties so much. I wonder why they're so mean, in general - it makes me wonder how their parents are raising them! If I said anything mean about anyone growing up, my parents would reprimand me and make me do "time out." If I was really mean to another kid, I'd get grounded. I know if I ever have children, one thing I will NEVER tolerate from them is being rude, impolite, and disrespectful towards others.

As I've said before, the outside you is very pretty, and if you're pretty now, you'll be sooo stunning when you lose all your weight!

Thanks Nightengale I need to rant today.


Edited for length since it is an old post.
First, I want to say I am taking nothing away from working woman. There was a time I worked 10 hours a day and 8 hours on Saturday. Working while the kids were in school or still sleeping so as not to take time away from them. I understand busy. ( I was lucky a friend got them off to school because I went to work long before they got up so I could be home when they got home from school )

BUT

Where is it written woman who stay home don't WORK. My house is so clean the family joke that no self respecting piece of dirt would come into my home. I am involved in very school activity my children decide they want to join and do double time because most of the mothers work and the WORKING mothers just don't have time to bake a pan of cookies or cut out name tags. How was it I still found time to do all these things when I worked but these woman can't seem to find time.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not better than anyone else. I don't want to sound that way. I am just sick and tired of hearing yet another WORKING woman say how wonderfully it must be to stay at home and do nothing all day.

We don't own a million things, we don't keep up with the Jones' and we don't take vacations, except to go to the camp grounds with the hubby's family. That is why we can afford for me to stay at home. We made that choice BUT WORKING woman don't have the right to go off to carpet land ( yes I do understand some work very very hard and have no choice they have to work to pay the basic bills of life ) and think they have it so much harder than a woman that does all their work because they are to BUSY AT WORK to do what they should be doing at home.

There is my rant. Thank you I feel better. Will be able to deal with these woman a lot better now without blowing up.

Awww, Shy Moment, I found it kind of sad that you kept feeling like you had to clarify and justify yourself. That reminds me of something else I dislike: people who judge others and flame others just for having opinions. I remember one time, I posted something on my livejournal saying that I was upset that Kim Stolz changed her look (she used to look just like me, now she looks like some random preppy blonde, despite saying over and over again in Top Model that she had her own look that was "kind of (her) thing"), and suddenly, I got flamed by all these strangers telling me that she could change her look to anything she wanted and that it wasn't selling out or not being true to herself. "Celebrities change their styles, you know." They missed the entire point!

Anyway, back to you - I know stay-at-home moms do PLENTY - my mother was a stay-at-home mom. She worked for a little while, but due to having MS, she couldn't work full time or keep a job very long without getting sick. She did so much around the house for me and my sister, though; she always made sure the house was tidy and neat, she prepared meals, did our laundry AND she was incredibly attentive to both of us! I'm GLAD she was at home, and she was the best mother I could have ever asked for. She was very involved in our lives. As I got older, it started becoming a bit of a pain, but now that I no longer live with her, I'm grateful. I was spoiled, but not in the bratty sort of way.

Thank you
My daughter is almost 17. This has to be the hardest time in our lives lol. One day she wants me right there, the next she wants me in another state lol. I kind of let her call the shots. Tonight she has a tennis game, this morning I asked her if she wanted me to come. She gave me a look like I was stupid and said MOTHER of course I want you to come. Well you never know lol.

LOL, teenagers are so moody and dramatic! I think I was **** on my parents as an adolescent. For some reason, during that time, all emotions seem to be enhanced. My relationship with my parents wasn't the best during my teen years, but now that I'm older, I appreciate them so very much. They're a **** of a lot more awesome when you don't have to LIVE with them!

I say rock on for having the courage and the patience to be a stay-at-home mom. So many mothers are so into working (and so are their husbands) that they never have time for their family. WHY RAISE A FAMILY if you don't have TIME for it? I'm not knocking working mothers, either - some of them need to work to make ends' meet, others didn't expect kids to happen, and others just want that high quality of life that two separate middle class incomes can provide (say, $50,000 + $50,000 a year = NICE FAT SALARY) - nothing wrong with that, I don't judge anyone's life and say to each their own, whatever makes them happy... but I don't understand people who purposely plan a family, have the financial means to do so, and then are still never there for their kids - no wonder the kids are growing into loudmouthed, rude little misfits - they don't have much parental guidance present to keep their asses in line!

Shy Moment, I could have written your first post! AND Lovestorun!

I've only been married 2.5 yrs, and I work/stay at home so I can be here with my baby. The other day I got an e-mail from a single friend (a teacher-- I was also a teacher before I got married). She said "I hope when I get married my husband wants a stay-at-home wife" like all I did was sit and eat bonbons all day and watch oprah and check my e-mail.
AAAAAHHHHH! The poor thing just finished with summer vacation and started teaching again, so life is hard now. waawaawaa. Guess what?! My baby woke me up every 3 hours last night and my husband is working 80 hours a week right now. If I were gone, he would be totally clueless, too! When baby cries and he goes to check on her, he just brings her to me 99% of the time.
Whatever. I'm tired right now and I still have work to do. I just love this thread and wanted to wallow a little bit more.

Shane, what great advice you gave to Lovestorun! We have found that having a baby has taken a lot of the romance and spontanaiety out of our previously idyllic marriage. Even though they can be critical and sometimes overwhelming, I'm glad we have parents in town to watch baby on a Saturday night so we can occasionally go out on a date.

I'm also postpartum hormonal right now, so my poor husband doesn't know if I'm coming or going when he gets home, so I"m also feeling guilty on top of all my frustrations!

By the way, Shy Moment, I am so proud of you for (gently) telling that woman what you did about the concession stand. WTG! I'm learning to set boundaries gently with people in my life who also want to run rampant all over my time! I keep telling myself (1) I'm not perfect and IT'S OKAY, and (2) It's okay if people's feelings get hurt sometimes. I'm not their keeper and I don't have to fulfill all their needs!