Awesome job Andrea and Bargoo!!

Glad you kicked the evening snacking beast Andrea!

And excellent job as usual Bargoo!

Andrea - glad that online therapy seemed to help with the snacking!

I am back down to 140 exactly. Two pounds above red line...whew. Having regained so much weight was starting to scare me - like I would not be able to reverse the trend. Even though I know that I am in control, it started to seem as if I wasn't.

Strange fact: I have never weighed 141 pounds (on my scale). I have been up and down past that number many times, but never actually seen it. Maybe my scale doesn't have it

I have picked up DH's stomach virus and I feel terrible. Just ate some plain rice, we'll see what happens.

I feel triumph because I had dinner with a friend at her place last night, and successfully navigated only ONE glass of wine with no resulting mindless overeating. I didn't feel like I was either restricting myself or going overboard. It was nice.

Andrea - Congratulations on the 5 days of snack-less evenings. I do understand about how it helps to just get it out there sometimes.
I have the same feelings about protein bars and "eating clean." I had to look up Lo Han Guo when I saw it on the list of ingredients for the Quest bars. We'll see.

Shannon - I'm sorry you feel sick! I hope this is a quick bug and you get over it soon.

Bargoo - Nice stats! I was inspired to look up mine, and I started April at 125 and ended at 124. So, downward trend.

Jay - This exactly for me. This feeling is one of the biggest reasons I went back into serious weight loss headspace and came back to 3FC. I tried to explain it to my friend - losing 80+ pounds seems almost easier than losing these dumb 5 pounds. But, now that I've made a mental switch (mostly), that feeling has receded.

I'm in a restless state of mind lately. Let me explain. I keep reflecting on how I've moved the goalposts and whether I want to put them back a little.

- When I was 257 pounds, my goal was just to "lose some weight." Any amount would do. Just to reverse the trend of being bigger every year, of finding last summer's clothes didn't fit, of getting lectured from my doctor. Getting to 200 would have been acceptable.

- When I got down to 200, I started thinking that it would be nice to be a size 18, which would at least make me a better-dressed fat woman.

- At size 18, I wanted to be a size 14, again motivated by appearance and clothing. I also wanted to pant a lot less loudly on the elliptical at the gym.

- At size 14, I decided that size 12 would be better, and oh, things were loose, so some muscles would probably help. Visible ones in my arms would be particularly good.

- At size 10 to 8, which is pretty much where I am, now I think I want to have really visible muscles and be strong, and I have all kinds of goals for pullups, pushups and weights that I want to lift.

It's been hard to enjoy anything along the way because I am never in the moment, not really. I can't see things as they are. On nearly every part of the journey, I've felt fatter than I really am, and I have wished that I were just a little bit thinner or more muscular. I am always looking at things that are still unsatisfactory and don't measure up, at what could be, never at what I am.

Most of the time I get through my schedule okay, almost automatically, but sometimes it feels like a self-constructed cage and I get tired of the constant vigilance required. Or I start questioning some of the tradeoffs.

But I don't know if that's the voice of reason, or the voice of mindless eating and temptation.

I think that I want to lose the bit of weight that I've put on since early March, but then I start feeling rebellious and wondering what it would be like to get back some free time and to live like other people. Then I think: "Live like other people, look like other people."

Then I think: "How did I get to this state where I think I ought to look like a fitness model, when once upon a time, all I wanted was not to pant on the elliptical or to wear a size 14 so it wouldn't be so difficult to go shopping?"

By moving the goalposts.

But I don't want to move the goalposts back in the other direction, because it feels like conceding, giving up something that was hard-won.

And maybe after all I am just restless because it's spring.

Putting this out there. I don't know what I want from you all. Validation, maybe, and then inspiration to continue the daily battle.

I hear you Saef. Not sure I have any pearls of wisdom but I certainly understand where you are coming from. My goal was 150. I couldn't imagine getting under 150. Once I did, my dream weight was 135 because that was my weight when I got married. I never dreamed I would get down under 120. Now I haven't been there in months but I still want to go back there. Vanity? Pride? Stubbornness? Fear? Not sure what my motivators are. But I know I'm not *happy* with my appearance until I'm under 123 and ideally under 120. But it is so very hard to get back there. I was 125 over the weekend. I'm back to 127 now. I haven't had anything off plan for weeks. I've exercised every. single. day. Not sure what else I can do. Not sure how I was ever able to get my weight lower because it certainly doesn't want to go there now. When I look in the mirror I see *huge* thighs (though muscular for the most part) and a pudgy tummy. Wish I could see myself the way others see me.

Happy May.... hopefully...... *May* it bring us peace.

Saef - I don't know if you remember me talking about the "revelation" that I had back in March. I was literally lying in bed, crocheting and watching the show "Touch" when it hit me.

I wrote about it in my blog the next day and I said:

"Am I truly enjoying life? I mean, I have a good life, and I enjoy it, but could it be better? Damn right! Between constantly fighting my weight and placing rigid and inflexible demands on myself, I have narrowed my enjoyment of life. And, especially for me - who does not believe in any sort of afterlife - what the **** am I doing? What's the point of being thin and healthy if I don't enjoy the fruits of my labor?

How many more minutes of my life do I want to spend feeling guilty because I ate a piece of cake? How much more time do I want to spend hating myself because I missed a workout? I only have so many days left of this earth and why would I want to spend even one more second hating myself because the number on the scale is 3 pounds higher then it "should" be?"

I made a commitment that day to free myself from these bonds. I made that promise to myself with the same stubborn determination that I applied to exercise and losing the weight.

So I've allowed myself to relax some. Not to the point of of letting myself go hog wild but just mentally reframing things and correcting myself when I get down on myself.

And guess what - it has been SO FREEING. I am probably the most relaxed and happy then I have been in YEARS. I still feel powerful and strong and confident. AND, best of all, my weight is right in check. I hit my original goal weight and weighed in at 119.7 on July 28th. I weighed in at 119.1 this morning. Turns out I don't have to KILL myself to stay there.

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you, but we seem to have so much in common, thinking wise, that I hope that some of this will be of use to you!

Jen

Oh, saef, I know what you're saying. That has been my struggle. My lowest weight was one I hadn't seen since the 8th grade. I bought a new wardrobe and it was all a dream. Then I gained 5 pounds...but my weight was still so much lower than it had been my entire adult life. So 5 pounds by 5 pounds I'm now back to the low end of my "normal" adult weight range, about 10 pounds into the overweight zone.

It's hard to exercise in the winter where I live. I hate working out at a gym, and it's expensive. I much prefer taking long walks (like 4 miles in about an hour). But with my weight loss, I couldn't stay warm and so I hated walking when it was below 40 degrees. Then last year during the warm season, I was getting up early and going to Starbucks to work (I do technical editing from home and there is only so much one can do with children chattering) so I missed my beloved early morning workouts on the weekends. This spring hasn't warmed up very quickly, and I'm having a hard time getting in the swing of things again.

I have tried so many times to lose weight, but I'll go for three weeks and lose nothing and then I just give up. WW points simply have not worked for me since I quit nursing. I'm either famished or fat. It's so frustrating to work so hard and get nowhere. I am sure exercising would help, and the thing I loved most about weighing less was being active. But the down side of weighing less is that my thermostat has failed to reset and I am always so cold. I am so tired of being cold. And the thought of going out in the cold to walk is more than I can bear.

So with all that, I still weigh less than I have for 80% of my adult life. There's something to be said for that, isn't there? It's all so relative.

I think I would just like to be warm and active. But instead I am cold and tired. And frustrated.

A really interesting article came out today:
J Nutr Educ Behav. 2013 May-Jun;45(3):264-8. doi: 10.1016/j.jneb.2012.10.007.
Improving weight maintenance using virtual reality (second life).
Sullivan DK, Goetz JR, Gibson CA, Washburn RA, Smith BK, Lee J, Gerald S, Fincham T, Donnelly JE.
Source
Department of Dietetics and Nutrition, The University of Kansas Medical Center, Kansas City, KS. Electronic address: [email protected].
Abstract
OBJECTIVE:
Compare weight loss and maintenance between a face-to-face (FTF) weight management clinic and a clinic delivered via virtual reality (VR).
METHODS:
Participants were randomized to 3 months of weight loss with a weekly clinic delivered via FTF or VR and then 6 months' weight maintenance delivered with VR. Data were collected at baseline and 3 and 6 months for weight and process variables. Twenty overweight and obese individuals (31.1 ± 3.6 years of age; body mass index, 32.8 ± 5.1; 85% females; 20% minorities) responded to advertisement and met inclusion criteria. Diets (1,200-1,800 kcal/d) used prepackaged meals, fruits and vegetables, and physical activity (300 min/wk).
RESULTS:
Weight loss was significantly greater for FTF at 10.8% compared with 7.6% for VR (P < .05). However, weight maintenance was significantly greater for VR at 14.0% compared with 9.5% for FTF (P < .05).
CONCLUSIONS AND IMPLICATIONS:
Virtual reality compares favorably with FTF for weight loss and may facilitate greater weight maintenance.

At least, I think it's interesting. I belong to Second Life (if you're interested, it is very cool and highly worth a look around- just make sure you have at least a couple of hours to explore it properly), and I belong to this board, which in many ways is a virtual community as well. I have no doubt that a community of like-minded people providing encouragement and support when you need it (and not at some arbitrary, once a week time led by an instructor like WW) is a major factor in my own maintenance.

Pageta- I too am frequently cold since I lost weight. The thing is, exercise warms me up. You say you hate working out at a gym. Ok, what about borrowing some exercise DVDs from your library, or loading up any of about a million exercise videos from Youtube on a computer and then following along? With a trivial amount of equipment (like, a jump rope, a pair of 10-pound dumbbells and one of those large "swiss" balls) you can also make a pretty darn good home gym. Best part? When I do this, my younger kids are fascinated, and either watch me or join in.

Michele - you weigh the same as I do but are 3 inches taller. I don't have a pudgy tummy or thunder thighs and I bet you don't either. Saef- you don't see enough muscular definition, but I bet after months of weights you have plenty. Perhaps neither of you looks like a fitness model,and I certainly don't either. BUT WE DON'T EARN OUR LIVING FROM OUR LOOKS (fortunately), which fitness models do. It is killing me to convince myself that there is a difference between "healthy weight" and "vanity weight" but I think this is part of the same mindset that leads to a lot of my judgmental thinking. If you (I) can judge others less harshly for their lapses, why can't you (I) judge ourselves by the same criteria? Just asking.

Happy May Day everyone.

My thing with exercise is that I like to determine my own intensity rather than keeping up with someone elses. If I slow down while on a walk, it doesn't matter. If I walk on a treadmill, I either have to keep up or adjust the machine to slow down which is an opportunity to berate myself.

DVDs and classes are even worse. They often do outlandish moves I cannot figure out and since I don't get what they're doing, I can't keep up and I hurt myself. So then I get tense because I am worried about what they're going to do and how I am going to do it. They make me feel like a complete idiot and fat and stupid so essentially it's 20 minutes to an hour of beating up on oneself which I don't think is worthwhile regardless of what exercise might be getting done.

I know how to lift weights and would much prefer to use a book and do the exercises myself at an intensity that matches my ability. So in the winter time I could life weights, which would be okay, but it doesn't do the same thing for me that walking does. Walking and riding my bike during the warm season are as good for my mental health as for my physical health. I absolutely love it. In winter time, even if I could handle the cold, I'd be terrified of slipping on the ice and breaking my leg. I have never been athletic and thus think myself to be more prone to such stupid accidents.

I think perhaps gaining 10 pounds in the winter and losing 10 pounds in the summer would be a workable plan for me, worst case scenario. I can maintain okay without exercise - it's losing that I don't seem to be able to do without it.

Oh Andrea.... such wise words....
My rational part of my brain is going "hear hear"-- you're right.....
The irrational part of my brain is saying-- No, you don't understand-- let me prove it to you-- I'll show you pictures.....

But, you're right. I don't earn my living as a fitness model. I could be overweight and do my job. Thank goodness I'm not. I need to embrace the fact that I'm healthy and not focus as much on the scale (which is still climbing-- today 128!).....

saef, neurodoc, pageta, and others here who are having these questions...

Is life in modern America a forced march?

It seems that way sometimes. The trouble is that it never ends. Wait, yes it does. One day you die.

Life hands you things you cannot foresee, and that don't fit in neatly with your schedule of activities. Something's gotta give. Priorities sometimes have to shift drastically due to circumstances.

Last fall my partner--you remember, the naturally thin person--was diagnosed with throat cancer (squamous cell carcinoma). It was early stage, and she has been through radiation treatment. The process was unbelievable. Our lives ended up stripped down to the essentials. Everything else dropped away.

Now she is a couple of months past the end of treatment and beginning to feel better. I think she is going to be fine now. Her weight dropped from 125 to 110, which was scary--but now she's back up to 112. Progress.

Having literally every outside activity taken away has given me a new perspective. How many of those things did I want to do, versus felt I had to do? I'm still figuring that out. A self-constructed cage is not what I want.

I'm looking at how I want my life to look and feel and be from day to day. I have to work for a living, but that doesn't have to be a forced march either. I want to get regular physical activity, but not if it means 2 hours per day at the gym. I want to eat food without worrying, chiding myself, being negative, and feeling guilty. That only ever backfired.

Could I weigh less? Sure. But I don't want to live my life around that.

I do know that I am not going for the forced march attitude.

Jay

Jay,
Yours are truly wise words. I'm going to ponder them today. And maybe many days in the future.
I'm glad your partner is recovering. Dealing with that must have been (and still is) so difficult. I have had a squamous cell carcinoma removed from my leg (skin cancer)-- is it the same cancer that somehow gets into the throat? Just curious.

Squamous cells are a type of cell found many places in the body, skin being one of them. 90% of head and neck cancers (which includes throat cancer) are squamous cell carcinoma. It didn't "get into" the throat, it arose there--that's what the PET scan showed, anyway.

Thanks, all. Still restless. Still reflecting, still caught up in internal debate.

Jay, I'm simultaneously sorry to get this news of your partner and relieved that she was well-treated and you helped her through this and glad to hear she's doing well. (Yes, reading your post was a rollercoaster, so I can only imagine what living through it has been like.) You are not one to share your stresses. I am glad you said something here finally.