I've come a long way when it comes to drugs and alcohol. I have little slip ups here and there (with booze, not drugs lol) but I'm pretty good. IE has really given me some freedom in regards to that, to be honest. I feel like everything comes back to my relationship with food and nurturing myself.

Greeting ladies. Wannabe are you finished with your presentation as in tomorrow this Monday? Almost there if that's the case and that whole stressful period you were planning for is OVER. Yes.

Locke glad to hear you are back and moving forward. Interesting on caffeine for you. I drink a few mugs of coffee in the morning and that usually is it unless we go out for dinner or something and even then I used to always have coffee after and now it's the rare exception.

Welcome to you Pink and thanks for sharing your experience over weeks it is helpful. And Littlegreen, I go through that with sweets and it's more of a last chance eating thing for me. And honestly I'm not restricting but I'm not filling the house we sweets or eating desserts very often either. After Easter I had this fabulous carrot cake and I found some Christmas stocking candy. I ate a lot more of that stuff than I wanted to this week and felt very off plan, in the beginnings of my yo-yo regain cycle I vowed I would not let happen. I also ate a bunch of this dried fruit tropical mix that I would absolutely never buy but it came in a Christmas exchange combination. I basically felt absolutely awful.

My husband was out of town last week, but I spent a couple days over with my mother in law who is a dear darling soul. My father in law went out of town with my husband, and she has been in failing health, very frail and needs someone to stay with her at least some of the time. She really needs to eat so I fixed nice appealing meals she loves and ate with her. She eats so well when I cook for her like that and she needs to. So that was interspersed in my week as well.

This morning I tossed the rest of the bag of that stupid tropical mix in the garbage and fixed a big bowl of watermelon and feel better already. I need to get back in touch with myself and my hunger. Remember I mentioned doing the fruit flush a week ago, and I was thinking about a simple vegetable soup. The idea is not to lose weight at all, just to get hungry and rid of the carb and sugar cravings.

So this morning I am not going to do a bunch of work, going to get dressed and get back to a nice long walk. That slipped last week, too. I was working in the garden a lot but my fitbit steps were way down under 10000 in a day. ENOUGH.

We are meeting friends at a local winery this afternoon and I plan to enjoy it.

And my other news is we are the proud parents of a new golden retriever puppy named him Hawkeye. Boy is he adorable and follows us around absolutely right with you for hours, little sweet puppy kisses. Here's a thumbnail pic I took in the yard yesterday, 7 weeks.



Enough of the Cindy novel! I feel like I have unloaded a burden.

Congrats on that adorable little puppy, what a cutie!

My presentation is over, I did what I had to do and I did well. I'm nervous about the pictures, we had a photo session afterward with other other women and I cringe just thinking about how much more I weigh than the others. There's the tall thin beautiful women and short lumpy me. It just makes me realize that I still have such a long way to go before accepting myself.

Now comes the part where I have to reassess what my eating has been like over the past couple of weeks with the impending stress culminating in yesterday's appearance. I spent a great deal of my energy obsessing about how I look, I find it difficult to stand on a stage and try to convince my peers of my thoughts when all I can think about is how I look and how the publicity shots will be circulating in my field, published in online and printed publications. I don't want who I am to be associated with how I look and yet there it is, and appearance plays a role in my profession, undoubtedly.

In recent weeks I've indulged in some binging behaviors such as eating alone, eating in secret, setting up time to eat by myself etc. The difference is that I can't eat a lot anymore. The physical sensation of eating past fullness is very uncomfortable - that didn't used to be like that. Yesterday for example, I set out to binge at fast food. I went to kfc and picked up a 2piece meal with mashed potatoes and mac n cheese and a 10 piece hot wings - yes that's what I used to eat on a binge and I used to do it on my way home right before our real dinner was served, which I would also eat. Granted, I was hungry, I hadn't eaten since breakfast at 9am and now it was 6pm after my presentation, I was tired, cranky, past starving and reeling with exhaustion.

But eventhough I picked it up I felt like going home. And ate in plain sight of my husband. I ate my 2 pieces of chicken and the mashed potatoes. I tasted the mac n cheese but didn't like it and put it aside. I was so full that I didn't even touch the hot wings or the biscuit. So I had 2 piece of chicken and some mashed potatoes and was completely full. I didn't tally up calories but if I were too I'm willing to bet I was way under for the day. I know this doesn't sound good, but the mere fact that I didn't in secret is very telling of how my behavior has changed. My nutritional therapist told me flat out that we are rewiring my brain and it seems to be working. Even when I try, I can't follow through on binging. I set myself up to binge and didn't do it.

If I can avoid binging, lose 2lbs, and not eat past fullness in times of such dire stress then there is a lot of hope for me. This is the first time I can easily say that 100% not binging at all. It's the truth, but I'm still trying to believe it.

Thanks for the welcomes!

Cindy your puppy is adorable! I really want a puppy too but its not a good time for us. Our hands are full with our 3 kids (two of which are under 5) and our shih tzu.

Wannabe that is so great! That is huge progress! You were really listening to your body and honoring yourself. I do the same thing sometimes. I go for a long time without eating and feel like I need to eat HUGE amounts of food. I used to just eat those amounts no matter what but now I sit down and eat until I feel satisfied and realize I don't need all that food. It is still such a process.

On Saturday there was some leftover quesadilla that looked good and I ate a piece even though I wasn't really hungry. It felt really terrible and I could feel the difference. It made me marvel that I spent so many years being so out of touch with my own body that I would stuff food into it, even when I wasn't hungry. The signal is so strong now when I am hungry versus not hungry I don't know how I used to not be able to tell.

I can tell that I still have very deeply ingrained habits/ neural pathways in my brain regarding food and when to eat it. I still feel a weird urge to eat when I walk in the door, even if I am not hungry, and after I put the kids to bed. I have to be aware at those times and really check in with myself to tell if I am hungry. And for some reason if I overeat or eat when Im not hungry to the point of feeling stomach discomfort I still want to eat MORE. I am not sure why. I am learning to just wait but its still a challenge.

I've been very busy for the last few days, which is why I haven't been posting.

Wannabe, it sounds as if you have made AMAZING progress! I love what your nutritionist is saying - "rewiring your brain." That's really and truly what it is.

I had a good 'body acceptance' moment today. I had to have my photo taken for a permit I have renewed every 5 years, and I knew I wouldn't be pleased. Yet I surprised myself with how accepting I was of it. (It's just a facial shot, like a driver's license or passport photo). Even though it's obvious that I'm heavier than I was before, I was not at all displeased with the photo. I did smile (which I generally don't do in most of these types of ID photos) and I think that's why I liked it better. I just look happy!

Cindy, love the puppy! So adorable!

Welcome back SM, I was wondering where you had got to. Ladies, oh my word, I'm fighting the dieting demons today. The problem is I get bored at work and start visiting my old dieting websites- paleo, no oil vegan, etc. I start reading and then get the urge to throw out all the "bad" food in the house and start a new diet for weight loss. Lord, and I'm feeling better than I have in years just following IE. I get so scared that I'm going to have a stroke or heart attack because of my weight that I feel compelled to follow these diet plans. They are all alarmist- eat wheat and die, eat meat and die. Ugh. Anyway I need some sanity right now. Otherwise I'm well.

Locke you've got to stop visiting these sites, they're causing you nothing but stress! If there's one thing that I've learned it's that eating should not be stressful. I understand what you mean though, it's hard to stay put when you see people running away from grains/carbs/fat as if a volcano is about to explode.

Good to see you SM, photos are terrifying for me too!

Wannabee,
I just finished reading the overcoming overeating book you recommended and I found it SO inspiring. Everything it said really resonated with me. To the point that I actually threw out my scale!! It's out in the dumpster now.

From now on I'm going to go off my own eyes and how I feel, I'm not going to put myself in the "trying to be thinnest" competition anymore. My eating has started to level off some, and I'm getting a lot better at discerning when I'm hungry and when I'm full.

Spending time with family and friends has also improved now that I don't think about how hungry I am every minute of the day!

Koali - that was fast! You must be a super reader because it took me nearly 2 months to get through that book - I used to read voraciously but siince I had a baby my sense of focus is totally gone. I remember staying up late reading every night. Now I'm dead asleep the moment my head hits the pillow every night lol.

I've noticed that spending time with friends and family has improved as well for me too. I especially notice that I am uncomfortable around dieters or people with the diet mentality. I see people picking up a bite of food, say something judgemental about it and then eat it.

Last week I saw a friend who is on this massive diet right now, has a personal trainer and a nutritionist team and everything, has a diet regimen to follow down to a list of pre-approved snack items. She follows a menu, her food intake is completely out of her hands and eats on a schedule. Anyway we were getting ready for my easter party and I said "I need to go in and have breakfast" and she responded with "yea, maybe your blood sugar is getting too low" which for whatever reason made me very uncomfortable. It made me feel like I was on a diet again, I never speak in those terms anymore.

I'm reading Intuitive Eating now and getting into it. It goes through a list of the type of eaters and I guess I've surmised that I am a chaotic emotional eater, big surprise hehe.

Koali, that sounds like a great plan. Wannabe, I think I'll reread Overcoming Overeating and Intuitive Eating this weekend. I definitely need a refresher since I've gotten all swept up in good foods vs. bad foods.

Wannabe you wrote something that really stuck with me- eating shouldn't be a stressful experience. I've let that stress creep back into my life in the past few weeks by trying to "eat healthy". It's so hard to strike a balance between what I want to eat and what honors my health. It's happening slowly over time if I don't think about it but if I push myself to eat healthy it all falls apart. So I'm going to start over and eat the things I want to eat rather than those that are healthy and I sort of like them.

I know it's easier said than done. But I have a new default panic button. When all is going wrong and I don't know what to do and what to eat I just say to myself "Self, if you need to eat just eat and worry about it later." Surprisingly this takes a lot of the stress away. I've spent too long thinking that eating would kill me. It doesn't. At the end of the day I really am just trying to nourish myself, it's coming from a place of self love even if it's misguided and doesn't really work. Once I get over the panic I can eat whatever I want and try to eat as mindfully as I can.

The Overfed Head website is not working at the moment. I suspect it might have been taken down. I can't get my hands on the pdf version. Ugh!

I just want to report that I had a piece of cake and ice cream for dinner last night. It was my first truly intuitive meal for the past few weeks. I ate until I was satisfied and enjoyed it immensely. According to the low carbers and dieters I should have been ravenously hungry a few hours later and binging on donuts, candy, and whatever sugar or processed carbs I could get my hands on. I'm happy to report that I'm still not hungry 16 hours later.

I'm reading "Have your cupcake and your skinny jeans too" right now. It's a great read and I highly recommend it. It's a less frumpy version of Overcoming Overeating. I'm about a quarter of the way through and the thing that I like most about it is it breaks down the different reasons that you overeat emotionally or in response to deprivation and it gives you specific tips for coping with each type.

You're right, overcoming Overeating is a bit frumpy isn't it? Once I get through IE I'll check out te book you mentioned.

Yea, I'm not hungry either and I eat carbs too. I don't think I buy into this carb sensitivity excuse. I thought I did buy it turns out that when I eat what I want when I want it things go smoothly. But then again I've given up on drastic and fast weight loss.

I had a similar experience a few weeks ago. My husband took me out to a bakery for donuts for my birthday. For breakfast. I was totally in the mood for donuts and got a custard filled donut and a plain glazed one with a glass of milk. I ate just until I felt satisfied which was most of my custard filled one and half of the glazed. I drank half the milk and felt good and satisfied. I wasn't hungry and didn't even need to eat again until we had a late lunch. I know that if I told myself that I would be hungry again right away because of all the carbs that I would have been. I did make sure to drink milk for protein to balance the donut but I didn't get insane carb craving hunger. I think your mind is a really important part of your eating experience.

I have read Thinside out too. (the cupcake and skinny jeans book) I really liked it but felt disappointed that she didn't address a lot of emotional hunger aspects. That is supposed to come out in her next book which I can't wait for.