I quit my Ph.D. program today. After too many years of pushing myself to get a degree I don't even want, I'm out.
I feel both elated and anxious. Elated, because I'm finally being honest with myself. I've talked myself out of quitting SO many times because I was afraid I would disappoint other people (my family, my boyfriend - also a doctoral candidate - my committee members).
For the past few weeks, I've been having panic attacks whenever I sit down to work on my dissertation. This morning, I couldn't make myself get out of bed. I called my mom and just started bawling. After she assured me that she and my dad don't care whether or not I finish, I emailed my advisor. I'm waiting to hear back from her.
I'll finish out the semester teaching, and then I'm done. It's been a crazy day.
*hugz* Jaclyn. all I can say is wow...I know what that feels like. I struggle with people pleasing and when I was in my early 20's, I would please other people and feel horrible about it. Eventually, I had to learn to do for myself. Good for you.
whew! ok, life caught up with me again. I'm now half way through this stupid deployment. DH came home for his 2 week leave and screwed my my so-called diet. I'm going to try my best to start again. I've only got about 15 more lbs that I want to lose. I'd love to lost 25 more, but thats really just a dream because I have so much hidden muscle. Sigh...anyway...back to square one.
Urs: I'm so sorry you had a rough day. I hate to ask this, but are you sure that you're not having an emotional day? Is this something that you want to give and won't regret in the future? I don't know how far you are in the program and how far you have left, I'm just asking questions. If you have been through so much and I think you are a lot stronger than you think you are. If you were only doing this program to please others I totally understand, but if you were doing it for you, I just don't want you to regret it.
So i've been eating more calories this week. 1900-2200, today is the first day that I did over 2000 and did 2171. I'm under calories, but I feel guilty that I ate so much. I need to make healthy decision even with my increase in calories. More calories doesn't mean free ride for unhealthy food. grrrrr... note to self. The less the calories the stricter I am, go figure.
I did something really bad yesterday. I was doing fine until I got to the Apple Fest, and I decided to have some fried ice cream--I was planning on having some kind of "treat" and I decided I wanted that. I did pretty well with it; I could have stopped after half but I went a little further, heh, but I left a pretty good portion on the plate so I was pretty happy about that. But then got home I found that my mom had gotten french onion Sun Chips. Gah!! I should have run away that very moment! Long story short, I ended up polishing off about half the bag... They're like my most favorite chip ever, and I was with a friend who is kind of like my "eating buddy," and now I just feel awful. I forced myself to look it up, and it looks like I added an extra ~1500 that I did NOT need yesterday. I'm really upset and really terrified to weigh in today... Wish me luck!
HOWEVER, although that part of the night really sucks, I had some amazing NSVs yesterday too! One thing about my whole weight loss so far is that I'm a teensy bit disappointed that I don't see a huge difference in my physique and no one has really noticed it yet. WELL, I guess I can't say that (or at least the second part) anymore! After going 2 months without anyone saying a word about it, suddenly yesterday at least 5 people told me I looked skinnier! I went to pick up my friend and she's like "You look soooo skinny! I'm so jealous!" (this is the same "eating buddy" friend; she's overweight too) etc, and her mom happened to be there too and said about the same, and called me "skinny minnie" when we were leaving (ha!). Then I got to the AF and ran into a guy who was my buddy in high school but I hadn't seen in a long time, and the first thing he said was "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight! You look great!" (in a really nice way--he's an insanely nice guy, heh). I was with two of my friends when we ran into that guy, and then later one of my friends said something like "You know, what Sean said earlier--he's right!" and told me I looked really good, but she wasn't sure whether she should mention in because she thought I might get offended--which is a valid concern, I guess, but it was driving me nuts that no one said anything, lol. Then finally I got home and I sat down next to my dad and we talked for a little bit and he suddenly said "Boy, you're getting pretty thin, aren't you?"
I'm pretty much on cloud nine right now!! Even if I did gain something from the binge (ugh, I hate that word) last night, it's so good finally to know that people HAVE noticed and it's not all just in my head anymore! It's almost enough to make me forget about the binge entirely, heh. I mean I'm only human, right? Plus with the knowledge of what I did yesterday I know I will not eat ANYTHING even remotely unhealthy today... Cuz I'm like that, ha.
Star- It's good that you realized what you did. I think we've all been there one time or another. It's awesome about the compliments. What's NSV? I've seen that a lot but now sure what it is.
My day's been good. I had a horrible nightmare last night. But I got up and went walking/ running with my roommate for an hour. I'm trying to relax today. I have to speak in front of two groups of 400 tonight. Wish me luck!
Star- thats awesome! Its weird how all of a sudden everyone starts noticing, after pound and pounds of unnoticed weight loss you deserve to be on cloud 9!
Cali, I-Ghost, Here We Go - Thanks for your support! It means a lot.
Here We Go - Thanks for being concerned. I am absolutely sure this is the right decision for me. I've known for a long time that academics is not the path for me. Just out of curiosity, what are you going to be talking about in front of 400 people?
Star2B - Congrats! It's so validating when other people notice our hard work!
Thanks everyone! It really does feel amazing to know that all my hard work is paying off. Now I'm really curious to see how my school friends will react when they see me, since we've been apart for three months! Hehe.
Here we go again - I suppose I'm too late to wish you good luck now, hehe, but I hope everything went well!! And I too am curious about why you were speaking for 400 people. I wish I could get that many people to listen to me all at once! LOL.
Us: It may sound strange, but I'm sharing my testimony of my life. it's only for 5 minutes, but I'm being public about all the stuff that I've been through and survived. I talk about being raped, in abusive relationship, various acts of violence and just crazy stuff. It's the first time that i'm sharing it in front of people and over the weekend it will be a total of 2400. It's kinda scary but it went good tonight. I only have three sessions left. I'm glad that you know what you want and that the academics are not for you. I think it's great that you are doing what you want instead of what others think you should. Great job!
I was so nervous today, I didn't eat that much. I did manage to eat 1,300 cals. I also ran/ walked for 60 minutes.
I've been bad this weekend too. I feel like I've been eating non-stop. I need to go grocery shopping but the again, my DD will be out of town for a week to go see her father with her grandma leaving Thursday night. Then on 10-Oct, we will be leaving for 2 weeks for Korea. So whatever we buy will go bad, at least some of it. So now I feel like it will be waste to go grocery shopping.. Maybe I will just stick to cleaning up freezer and fridge and use whatever I have left till then...
Now that I got only 3 weeks left to go, everything's been getting quite hard...or I have been just weak. Sigh...
*High five* to Mojo. I don't miss that the weather changes every five minutes.
jaclyn, well done on taking a step towards doing something for yourself, not other people 
It must have been really tough
After going 2 months without anyone saying a word about it, suddenly yesterday at least 5 people told me I looked skinnier! I went to pick up my friend and she's like "You look soooo skinny! I'm so jealous!" (this is the same "eating buddy" friend; she's overweight too) etc, and her mom happened to be there too and said about the same, and called me "skinny minnie" when we were leaving (ha!). Then I got to the AF and ran into a guy who was my buddy in high school but I hadn't seen in a long time, and the first thing he said was "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight! You look great!" (in a really nice way--he's an insanely nice guy, heh). I was with two of my friends when we ran into that guy, and then later one of my friends said something like "You know, what Sean said earlier--he's right!" and told me I looked really good, but she wasn't sure whether she should mention in because she thought I might get offended--which is a valid concern, I guess, but it was driving me nuts that no one said anything, lol. Then finally I got home and I sat down next to my dad and we talked for a little bit and he suddenly said "Boy, you're getting pretty thin, aren't you?" 
It's almost enough to make me forget about the binge entirely, heh. I mean I'm only human, right? Plus with the knowledge of what I did yesterday I know I will not eat ANYTHING even remotely unhealthy today... Cuz I'm like that, ha.
you deserve to be on cloud 9!
