I think of my life before program when I hear this word. I had a very "Managed" life, except when it came to food. If it wasn't around I could "manage". If I ate only what was in my lunch box, I was fine. However, given a restuarant menu with choices, a buffett, a cocktail party or even family holiday gathering without portion control, and I was unleashed. The cost of the food at the restaurant, the stares at me for second (large) helpings, or grazing before and after dinner, never fazed me. Until my weight ballooned and I couldn't diet or pill pop it away.
I swear, giving up control to a higher power took a weight (no pun inteneded) off my shoulders. As if I was giving responsibility for my eatoing problem to someone/something else. The great part was I began to look inside myself. I got the steps going and realized my behaviors in non-eating situations were also unmanaged. My attitude towards work and my boss, my family etc. My perfectly managed life, wasn't so managed as it was controlled, and not always in a good sense. I found out in steps, that my weigh/eating problem was negatively effecting me in other situations. Now that I feel program has given me control and a plan, other areas of my life are seemingly "better". Let's call it attitude and vision.
I have a better view of my life, my weight is going down and using tools like this, meditation and understanding my "triggers" makes managing this disease a reality.
Thank you OA and Marney.
Unmanageable to me means out of controll, crazy and unacceptable. When I eat compulsively everything else suffers. I get depressed, tired, snappy, and very impatient. All I want is more food. I neglect my family and friends. I care only about my next food fix.
It was devistating to admit to my husband that eating was the best part of my day. But the truth is, that it was. Eating was better than spending time with him. When I am abstinent I can see how I have been neglecting my family. Brushing off my kids with quick answers, so I could follow my own agenda.
Last year in OA I worked through hiding food and lying to my husband. I thought it was not lying if I didnt actually lie to a direct question. But hiding food and pretending I didn't buy it, is lying. But I still hide and lie with my kids. I reason is I don't want them to eat unhealthy food, and it's true. But what I was doing was killing the trust between my children and me. They knew something was up, but mom would deny it.
When I am in the food my life is unmanageable and hurtfull to the ones I love most.
This is from my sponsorship book Twelve Step Sponsorship:
p.104 "When we deny our powerlessness over compulsive overeating, our lives become unmanageable. In Step One, we come to terms with that unmanageability. Our lives may be unmanageable in a few areas or in many areas. They may be slightly unmanageable in some areas and totally unmanageable in others. But they will be unmanageable. Unmanageability caused by addiction takes many forms. It can include physical, spiritual, and mental problems; financial and legal problems; family and social problems. The problems may have been obvious to others or known only to us, but they were there in one form or another.
The longer we are in recovery, the more we realize how unmanageable our lives had become.
By accepting our powerlessness and unmanageability, we are accepting that we cannot recover alone. We will need help. That help, the AA Big Book tells us in the Second Step, will come from a Power greater than ourselves. So Step One lays the basis of our willingness to open ourselves to a power greater than ourselves and to recovery.
I forgot to answer this last week.
Anyway, unmanageability to me is not being able to manage my own life or choices.
I am powerless over food and as a food addict, I will do whatever it takes to eat what I want and how much I want to the point of sickness. My life becomes unmanageable when the depression sets in from thinking I am a failure, my self esteem is shot, I do not want to be around people, I am just plain miserable to myself and others.
Through OA, I am learning I only have today, and for today I can make correct choices. Sometimes, I have to sit back before I even eat now and ask myself why do I want this, do I need this much, learning to listen to my body, if its full its full, and learn to walk away, I feel better and my disposition is much better.
Denise
My life two weeks ago was more than unamanageable. I was a train wreck and living so much in a fog physically, emotionally, and physically. It was a very selfish place to be and I knew it but I couln't climb out of the pit by myself and can see that now.
I wouldn't say that in just two weeks that I'm managing my life perfectly. But with all the work with the program and time spent reflecting and meditating with my HP, the fog is beginning to lift and I have accomplished more in the past two weeks than I have in months this past year. It feels so good and I'm so grateful.
Charlene-
That's awesome. I'm still dumbfounded by the commonalities in our lives. As compulsive overeaters we all share so many of the same histories and pitfalls. Sometimes when I read what others write on this board, or I listen in meetings, I wonder how this other person lived my life.
topic for the week: unmanageability
Unmanageable?
