I'm continuing to experience the honesty of facing my secrets. I'm finally open to admitting them and needing recovery from them. It's both a relief and scary at the same time. I'm meeting with my sponsor on Thursday to do my 5th step. I'm feeling uncertainty about giving her my 4th step inventory. I fear that she will be disgusted by me, judge me, and no longer want to associate with me. Logically, I know that this is just plain fear--the same fear that prevents me from taking other positive steps to help myself. But, it's fear nonetheless.

I'm elated by the idea of being free from shame and guilt that has worn me down for so many years. But that fear keeps butting in.

I will be glad when it's over, and fear will no longer be able to strangle me...at least with this specific step.

Also:
Here is what I've been looking at to help me fight the fear:

With step four:
I will begin to understand myself better.
It's the beginning of healing.
I will find freedom from shame over unresolved guilt over mistakes that I've made.
The inventory begins cleaning up messes of my past to start over fresh.
The step 4 self analysis is essential to our recovery.
Our past problems have been controlling our actions and feelings.
We are able to know and do God's will more easily without the need to protect ourselves.
Change begins with honesty.

What I've been looking at to help me with my fear of step 5:

It's a positive action we can take to end our isolation.
It brings freedom from resentments, guilt, and shame rooted in the past.
We will no longer have anything to hide.
We leave rationalization behind and begin to practice integrity.
We allow a life changing power to come in and heal us.
We start to feel that we can be forgiven and begin life anew with a clean slate.
We are humbled without humiliation.
We will have a sense of relief. Someone knows all about us and still accepts us unconditionally.
We begin to forgive ourselves.
We finally begin to know ourselves and accept ourselves.
It's often our first attempt to fully open our hearts to another human being.

(((MARNY))) Try to keep in mind that your sponsor has also been there. She truly understands what you are going through and she is there to support, not judge. I have had so many feelings of shame and disgust... feeling like I was the only one who did some of the things that I have done (binging, etc.) and it has been so WONDERFUL to find out that there are others who are dealing with the same struggles. You are not alone! You are doing such a great job with your steps and I am proud of you!

For Heaven's sake, don't just do a fourth and keep it around - GET RID OF IT!

You can always do another one, later, when you relieve yourself of this part of your burden.
If you're unsure of your sponsor, go to a minister.

Just do it - you will be so glad you did.

Sue
Recovering for 22 yrs

Marny,
Have you thought of possibly meeting with someone other than your sponsor? At our meeting last week we talked about step 5 (the first week of each month we talk about that number of step) and one of the ladies said that with her step she felt more comfortable talking to a minister that she knew she'd never see again... so that's always an option.

Jac--
Yeah, I thought about that. But, I also thought about why I wouldn't want to share with my sponsor. It was out of fear and continuing to want to hide. I knew that to share with her would be confronting those ongoing obstacles. Plus, one of the rewards of doing step 5 is to open yourself completely and find that person still loves you unconditionally. I needed to have faith in that and experience it. I knew that it would be incredibly powerful to have an ongoing friendship with someone who knew me inside and out and still loved me.