Compulsion. The one word in the English language of which I have an intimate understanding. I am simply compelled to eat. I am never satiated. The hunger I feel may not be physical but it is a HUNGER none the less. My life only exists in 3 states. I am either eating, fighting not to eat, or distracting myself from eating.
When I am eating, I am in a happy place. The world is muted and for a brief moment I enjoy a blissful state and such a wonderful relief. It's a relief not fight it anymore. Often times it doesn't matter what I'm eating, just as long as I'm eating. This blissful relief can sometimes lead to me giving into my desire to binge. It normally starts with me binging on veggies. A pound of lettuce with a mere tsp of oil and vinegar dressing followed by a pound each of green beans and broccoli. I try to use these low calorie foods to calm the beast but they can backfire and just enrage it.
The hunger demands more and I move on to fruit. A pound of frozen mixed fruit and a pound of frozen blueberries with a cup of yogurt. Nothing bad so far and not overly caloric but still a HUGE amount of food. By this time, I only want more and am now in full out frenzy mode. Oat bran mixed with protein powder sweetened with calorie free syrup is next. I easily polish off a 1000 calories of this mixture all the while deciding what to eat next. POPCORN - 130 grams of it (no don't take time to weight it I just know how much the bowl will hold). It's air popped but drenched in olive oil. When I get to this point, I'm numb and very full but still want to eat more! I desire something with high calorie density, nuts or raisins maybe. In the very worst of times, I seek out cookies, ice creams, and candy. Let me back track, tell you where I am, and how I got to this point.
I basically started out life obese as far as my memories go. I became obese at the age of 4 and was over 60 lbs upon entering kindergarten. By 28, I was 420 lbs. As far back as I can remember, I have craved food and it's solace. My binges during that time were truly legendary. Miraculously now, at the age of 36 I am 190 lbs with 12 percent body fat. Yes, it's a miracle because as you've read the compulsion is still with me. I've achieved and maintained my weight loss with my food choices, exercise and most of the time sheer willpower. None of it has mattered, I am still HAUNTED by my desire to eat. So I search. Search not for a method of controlling the compulsion, I am already "controlling" it. I search for a way to eliminate it completely. If the program cannot rid me of this burden then it is not what I seek.
Is OA the solution? Can it disarm my beast? I can only find out if I ask (and perhaps try it).