The food addict in my head ( a struggle)
 

So, i was having a major binge craving, and decided to write out what was going on in my head. .. and now i thought i would share. :) in paranthesis is 'me' -- the real me anyways. i hope you all dont find me totally crazy.. but i want to know if im the only one that goes through this.

heres some addict ramblings of mine

eat.
eat and eat. you know you want to. (no i dont, im just bored) it would feel so good to be full and satisfied. (no, i dont want to deal with the guilt)

eat,. theres some great food in there. youve already blown your carbs today (but i can save my calorie count) you deserve a day off. youve done so welll you should have one day where you eat what you want. ( i blew my diet last night. i ate awhole loaf of apple bread and butter!) so, you blew yesterday. one more day wont hurt. you need to blow off some steam and just eat. (NO. i want to be thin. want my husband to adore me, i want to be comfortable around skinny people I WANTTO BE BEAUTIFULAND thin and healthy so shut the **** up )

no. i wont. i will nag you about this alllll day untill you break. i know i can break you, i did last night. you wont win. you'll lose. you;ll be fat forever and jack will never adore you like you want. so whats the point?

eat. it will make you feel better..(NO NO NO NO NONO you know you want this more than anything, why stop now when youve barely begun!)

why continue on when youve barely begun, look at all the work youve put in, and youve barely gotten anywhere, last month on the scale you were at 275 and thats AFTER working so hard and losing about 30 or so lbs. (but i want this, i really really want this)

you only think you do. you wont succeed. you never have. you'll always be fat. ugly. unappreciated. so WHYBOTHER
(because theres hope. if i could just SHUT YOU UP id be fine)
but you wont, i'll always be here.
(SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP)

im here. and you WILL EAT
(no no nonononononononononooooooooooo)

i won this one, but what about next time? when i start agreeing with my addict?

arrrg this is so hard. i just want to eat.

but i wont. im better than this, i want to be proud of myself. i want to be beautiful and healthy and not have chest pains and anxiety attacts. please keep going .deep down you know you can do it. you can you can you can. we want this. ut its not going to happen in two, three, four months. keep going. evan when it gets hard Lana. you will i know you will. you can you can you can.



anyways, thats the conversation i had withmyself... yikes. i think im crazy.

You're not crazy, I know I do the same thing. I am my worst enemy, I try to talk myself into something I know I shouldn't have and I come up with some pretty good arguments too. Then my rational side comes thru with reasons why I shouldn't, lately the rational side has been winning more. I always think of Tom & Jerry, they would have a little devil self on one shoulder and a little angel self on the other trying to persuede them to do either right or wrong. We just have to keep trying to win the battle.

I think you need to show that little voice who's boss!! One thing you can try is affirmations, I know it sounds very simplistic but I have found this useful.

For instance if you are done with dinner you write something like "I have eaten the perfect amount of exactly what is good for me. I'm so grateful..." etc. etc. and just say it over and over until you mean it....then brush your teeth, do your nails, shut down the kitchen, do whatever, go to bed and...YOU WIN

Are you in OA? If so this is when you call your sponser, can't reach them, call someone else in OA. Go to a meeting if available, read the literature, write in your journey, what's really going on that you think you want to eat? Read Steps 1,2,3, again. Contact your HP, He is always there for you. After doing all these things and you still want to eat, go to bed, get out of the house, take a walk, anything but eat!

hugs
patd

that's so funny!
i do the exact same thing.

in fact i posted something so similar about my trip to the grocery. Here, i originally posted it in my 'just for today" thread:

i want chips and guacamole.
(no, you have fish defrosting at home that's going to go to waste if you don't eat it.)
I'll just start tomorrow. i did good yesterday, maybe i can just do every other day.
(No, you're never going to have loose pants again if you think that way.)
I'll get organic chips and salsa.
(That's still over eating.)
(Remember, you want to be thin.)
Do I?
Maybe i really want chips and guac.
(If i overeat, i'm just going to waste the rest of the evening doing nothing.
Don't i want to be free of this eating obsession?)
Maybe i'd rather just escape life altogether, give me some chips and guac.
(How can i not find anything to enjoy in life beside food? wouldn't i be happier if i ate well?)
chips! chips! chips!
(*sigh, this is already so hard for me, why am i making it harder? Just stick to your healthy dinner plan. You don't need to temp yourself with visions of chips and dip.)

I put parenthesis around my "sensible" voice :)
but it's still the same bantering in my head, and i've had similar dialogues to what you posted.
It get's easier. one day you'll overcome it. and from there it gets easier. The first few times are hard.
but remember, if win over the nagging voice once, and stay on plan, it will be easier next time.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So, once you've stayed on plan one day, you're more likely to repeat that and stay on plan in the future. it may go slow, it may be a bumpy road, but it can happen :)


you will succeed because you want to succeed.

You certainly aren't alone! I think we all struggle with "Evil Me" in our heads.

Pat's suggestions are great. Whatever we do, we need to shut up that little voice! Sometimes I'll just say "No!", out loud, like I'd do with my kids (you know that voice, right? :)) when I'd had enough. Or even break into song (er, quietly, if you're in public). My OA sponsor says we need to turn off that chatterbox in our heads.

Here's how I respond to that annoying voice: "I've changed, and I don't eat like that anymore. I love feeling healthy - this is who I am now. You're not in charge here. Go away." Then I bask in the rush of self-esteem and give lots of "atta-girl's" for being so strong.