Well, let me just preface by saying the only REALLY close person to me in my life right now is my boyfriend of 3 years. He is my best friend, on my basically only real good close friend, and my lover.
I was feeling kinda crappy today because some girl at a party the other night looked down at my stomach and then seriously asked if I was pregnant.
So I have begun to realize how fat I am getting, and how I am gaining back all of my weight that I had lost ( I was down to 210 in May).
I have recently "broke up" with my best friend of 6 years. We haven't talked to each other in over 2 months. So I have been getting over that, and having my boyfriend as one of the only people that cares about me in my everyday life.
Well today, I was nagging him about some really annoying thing he was doing, and he said "God, get a life". And he was serious. And I snapped and said "F*ck you, you get a life! You f*cking a-hole!" and I pushed him, and stormed out of his house.
Today was supposed to be my first day back on track. I had re-committed in my head, and my boyfriend and I were supposed to be on our way to the grocery store to get good healthy food. ( I don't have a car, so the only way I can get there is him).
Instead, I came home and instantly fell asleep from being sad (for about 1/2 hour). Then I woke up and contemplated ordering a pizza and eating it all to myself. Instead, I went and bought a 12 pack of oreos, a box of mac and cheese, and a Betty Crocker cake bowl. and I ate ALL of it! There is only a little bit of mac and cheese left. And now I feel sick to my stomach. And yet if I had more chocolate, I would probably eat it.
I'm just disgusted with myself. I am so disgusted and ashamed at my lack of control and my food addiction, and my lack of motivation to exercise. And the way I use food to make myself feel better.