when it clicks and you go buy tons of food
 

Well, let me just preface by saying the only REALLY close person to me in my life right now is my boyfriend of 3 years. He is my best friend, on my basically only real good close friend, and my lover.

I was feeling kinda crappy today because some girl at a party the other night looked down at my stomach and then seriously asked if I was pregnant.:( So I have begun to realize how fat I am getting, and how I am gaining back all of my weight that I had lost ( I was down to 210 in May).

I have recently "broke up" with my best friend of 6 years. We haven't talked to each other in over 2 months. So I have been getting over that, and having my boyfriend as one of the only people that cares about me in my everyday life.

Well today, I was nagging him about some really annoying thing he was doing, and he said "God, get a life". And he was serious. And I snapped and said "F*ck you, you get a life! You f*cking a-hole!" and I pushed him, and stormed out of his house.

Today was supposed to be my first day back on track. I had re-committed in my head, and my boyfriend and I were supposed to be on our way to the grocery store to get good healthy food. ( I don't have a car, so the only way I can get there is him).

Instead, I came home and instantly fell asleep from being sad (for about 1/2 hour). Then I woke up and contemplated ordering a pizza and eating it all to myself. Instead, I went and bought a 12 pack of oreos, a box of mac and cheese, and a Betty Crocker cake bowl. and I ate ALL of it! There is only a little bit of mac and cheese left. And now I feel sick to my stomach. And yet if I had more chocolate, I would probably eat it.

I'm just disgusted with myself. I am so disgusted and ashamed at my lack of control and my food addiction, and my lack of motivation to exercise. And the way I use food to make myself feel better.

Don't beat yourself up. What's done is done. It's all about what to do next.

Do you attend Overeaters Anonymous? If not, have you considered it? What it's done for me is to provide me with a great group of friends that I can rely on when I'm feeling like binge eating.

Instead of eating, I can call a friend. Instead of eating, I can attend a meeting. Instead of eating, I can read some of my OA literature.

Again, don't beat yourself up. Even posting on this message board is a positive step!!

Vdaybaby, I feel the same! When I get all hyped up and "recommitted" about making changes, and I immediately sabotage it with getting really angry and'or having too much food to the point where I tell myself a workout won't even help. Maybe I shouldn't say this bc I don't want you to dwell on that one mistake, but it comforts me to know that other people do that, then feel that way. I feel like I set myself up for it, and each time it gets harder to believe myself that this time will be different. Knowing that others do this gives me motivation to get back up, that we're not beyond hope and can do what we need to to be happy and healthy. I hope it helps you, too, and best wishes!

Vdaybaby, Please don't feel disgusted with yourself and ashamed of yourself. You are a child of god, just like anyone else on this planet, you are beautiful. As women, we are more likely to punish ourselves. Our binges are punishment, and what we put ourselves through afterwards is punishment. You do not deserve the punishment you are putting yourself through, any more than anyone else you cherish deserves it.

Taking that last bite, when we know we cannot handle it, can't stand it, hate ourselves for it, is punishment.

That girl at the party was an a s s, there is no doubt about that. Every ignoramus in the world knows that you do not ask a woman if she is pregnant, unless she is crowning before your eyes. And only then, maybe.

Get up in the morning and write -- get your coffee or tea or smoothie, and journal everything you are feeling, write out a nurturing plan for yourself for the day (not a to-do list, or must-do list, but a deserve list: you deserve a nutritions breakfast; you deserve fresh air; you deserve at least 20 minutes all by yourself in the tub, with a magazine, on a walk...)

Talk to your boyfriend. What he said struck a deep nerve; and maybe what you said to him struck a deep nerve as well.

Eyes Forward, girl.