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Old 09-26-2008, 11:59 PM   #1  
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Default Killing myself slowly

I went to an OA meeting last weekend. Left there and stopped at a bakery and bought a chocolate cake and picked up a plastic fork on my way out. Now I did not sit and eat the whole thing. It was too big. But there I am driving my car eating cake out of a box.
I am so tired of being so miserable. I have post traumatic stress and I guess that is my excuse or reason for being so out of control.
I have an abusive daughter and I am in so much pain over her that I can not stop and look after myself. I know I should but right now the only thing I am doing is eating to cope. I know better and need to find some other things when life hurts to much. She is my only daughter. She is 28 years old and has an addiction of her own. I could repeat all the answers. Like look after your self first. But I am having a really hard time doing this. I was doing ok then there was an incident that pushed me back into the deep end.
I really do not have anyone to talk to. I just turned 60 and feel pretty invisible even at the meeting. Everyone has a buddy there and there is always a rush to head out etc. People have kids and families and things going on in there lives and I feel like there is nothing but me and the food.
I feel very ashamed of this behaviour and of suffering from the poor me's.
Just thought I would post this. I do not like to complain. I want to be in a better place. But it is not working. I am going to try and start the day tomorrow with a more positive attitude. I am going to write down my food and try and find alternative coping stratigies. I could use an OA buddy in my area but the there is no group near me. I have to travel into town to go to the meetings that I do go to. They are great meetings. This disease is just so isolating. Hope there is someone out there that has an idea.
Thanks
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Old 09-27-2008, 12:12 AM   #2  
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I can relate in some ways. Just don't be too hard on yourself. Even if you don't succeed this time, there is always tomorrow, and the next, and the day after that. Many people have to do this more then once before we can actually make it. I am on my millionth try. You just have to be strong and know that you will do this, no matter how long it takes you. And you won't give up, no matter how hard things may be.
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Old 09-27-2008, 05:40 AM   #3  
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Hi

I'm not in OA but I have had depression and various EDs and your post really spoke to me. I want to tell you about a little exercise I did when I felt really low. It's quite Hindu-influenced, and it's about attaining peace through realising what is not-wrong. I would take a moment when I was calm and still and then
I would just sit and think to myself - I am ok. The reasons I am ok are:

- I am not sick
-I am not wounded
- I am not cold
- I am not hot
- I can breathe in and out (do it)
- I am no longer anorexic - I do not have to feel the pain of hunger
- I am not stuffing my face with food - I do not have to feel the pain of overeating.
- None of the bad things that happened to me are happening right now, and I am still here.
- I do not have to be ecstatically happy.
- I can just be.

It is a very calming thing to do. I hope it helps x
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Old 09-27-2008, 01:08 PM   #4  
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HiJude - you are not alone. As I write this 90 people have read your post and are thinking of you.

Don't be ashamed, none of us is perfect and you have honesty to admit you have a problem and the desire to change.

Try the meetings again, love yourself enough to feel you are worth saving for your own sake.

Forgive yourself for eating the cake, and take the first steps to living the better life you deserve.
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Old 09-28-2008, 07:36 AM   #5  
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Wink Hi Jude! It's great that you are trying to catch yourself!

I think that we have all been there: trying to comfort ourselves with our "old" comfort tools and seeing that they didn't work then and they don't work now! But it's great that you turned to this group and that you see that you were steering off!
It must be hard to be on program without a group. What about phone meetings? I don't know of the details, but I hear that there are many of them!
Good luck!
Janglo
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Old 10-01-2008, 04:57 AM   #6  
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Hey Jude,
OMG, I can relate. My first OA meeting, I was so furious and sad at the same time because I knew deep in my heart that I was where I belonged. I just wanted to fly out of there, but everyone came up to be being sweet and friendly. I was so angry and feeling so raw that I said as politely as I could, "I have to go, this is really weird and new for me". Then proceeded to scarf down a big meal from McDonald's, knowing full well that I was trying to stuff my raw feelings like so many other times. I am still fairly new to OA myself, am on my 3rd step. Have you considered finding a sponsor? I am currently looking for one myself, and it seems like all the people I am interested in are "full". I maintain that God will connect me with that kindred soul though. My best suggestions are to find a sponsor and commit your meal plan to them DAILY, get yourself a copy of the 12&12 and study it, and most importantly remember step one: "We admitted we were powerless over food and our lives had become unmanageable". Surrender all you are going through to your higher power, whether that's God, the universe, your dreams, whatever. If you haven't identified your h.p. yet, it is a very personal and key step and is necessary to get better. God bless you and I will pray for you.
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Old 10-04-2008, 06:04 PM   #7  
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Hello, I am new to this site. Your note made me very worried. How are you doing today?
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Old 10-04-2008, 11:13 PM   #8  
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yes, Hijude....how have you been doing in recent times? any updates?
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Old 10-05-2008, 01:13 AM   #9  
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Old 10-05-2008, 02:14 AM   #10  
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Thanks for all your emails. Things are ok. I went to an OA marathon today. One of the fellows there suggested just starting the first day with one food that you will not eat. Being that even that small step is in the right direction. I could then say I did not eat this food at all today. Then move on to the next. I am stuggling with loss and it is just difficult. But I never feel better after I have stuffed my feelings. Thanks everyone for your support. Jude
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Old 10-26-2008, 12:32 PM   #11  
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Quote:
One of the fellows there suggested just starting the first day with one food that you will not eat. Being that even that small step is in the right direction. I could then say I did not eat this food at all today.
I like that.

Can you find a therapist? I don't know the Canadian health plan, but there must be something... I am sorry you feel so alone.
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Old 10-26-2008, 04:37 PM   #12  
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I am doing better. I have started to look at fixing my own life before worrying about anyone elses. I am doing the FAA food plan and it is tough but I can see some hope there.
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Old 10-26-2008, 04:49 PM   #13  
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Hang in there hun! it always gets better
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Old 10-27-2008, 10:26 AM   #14  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Me23 View Post
Hi

I'm not in OA but I have had depression and various EDs and your post really spoke to me. I want to tell you about a little exercise I did when I felt really low. It's quite Hindu-influenced, and it's about attaining peace through realising what is not-wrong. I would take a moment when I was calm and still and then
I would just sit and think to myself - I am ok. The reasons I am ok are:

- I am not sick
-I am not wounded
- I am not cold
- I am not hot
- I can breathe in and out (do it)
- I am no longer anorexic - I do not have to feel the pain of hunger
- I am not stuffing my face with food - I do not have to feel the pain of overeating.
- None of the bad things that happened to me are happening right now, and I am still here.
- I do not have to be ecstatically happy.
- I can just be.

It is a very calming thing to do. I hope it helps x
Hi everyone! I haven't posted on OA before, and I'm not currently attending OA, but I certainly fit in this category. I have gained 50 pounds in the past year by binge eating. This after having lost 130 pounds to my goal weight and keeping it off for nearly 2 years. There have been several stressors in my life this past year (diagnosed with cervical cancer, had a hysterectomy, job problems and money problems) and I reverted to my old ways of dealing - self medicating with food.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say how wonderful I thought the above post was - makes me realize that nothing *bad* will last forever.

Thanks for posting it!

MariSue
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Old 10-28-2008, 03:00 AM   #15  
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I agree MariSue. Thanks for the great wisdom. I hope you are doing well too. I hold onto the belief that there is always some sunshine around the next corner. We just need to be patient. Thanks everyone. This is the toughest thing I have ever done though.
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