I don't know where else to write this or discuss it for that matter because I'm somewhat embarrassed and upset with myself.
I'm Jealous of my brothers Wife! Aren't I terrible????
Let me explain.
When we first met over 4 years ago she was VERY overweight. I don't know exactly how much she weighed but she was definitely bigger than me. At the time, I wore a size 6 and weighed approximately 127lbs.
Well, they got married two years ago and obviously she lost weight for her wedding. But still at the time of her wedding we were approximately the same size. (I weighed probably 155ish at the time).
Anyway, this past weekend we went away for a girls weekend and did some shopping. I hadn't seen her in about 3 months and I noticed almost immediately that she had lost more weight!!!
The stinger though was when we were shopping for pants and she picked up a size 10 and I had to keep walking down the rack until I found the size 13!!!
I know it's not nice to be jealous and I don't think I'm actually jealous of her per say. Instead it validated just how ANGRY I am at myself for allowing myself to get sooooo big. It's all my fault after all!!! I chose to eat badly, to give up exercise and let my figure balloon to over 165lbs!!!
Obviously, I can't tell anyone I how I feel because it wouldn't be nice of me!!! I feel so guilty that i'm jealous of her yet so angry with myself all at the same time. All these emotions are very confusing! I feel terrible. I know that envy is a really REALLY bad thing!!!!
I actually backed out of a huge family function this weekend so that I don't have to be with her. I LOVE her as a person and I don't really care if she thinks I'm fat. I just don't want to be compared to her by the rest of the family. I can just imagine what others are saying.. "WOW she's got so skinny while Jenny got so fat"
This is terrible, I feel terrible! Crap Crap Crap!!!!!!!
Last edited by missjenny; 05-07-2008 at 09:42 AM.
Reason: typo!
It's okay. I understand these feelings. It's OKAY to feel them. It's okay to be confused by them. I think it's a terrible spiral we can get caught in sometimes when we feel horrible about feeling a certain way. We're allowed to feel things. We just have to move on from them into a better place.
I must caution that it's dangerous to let these feelings run your whole life into the negative. Not going to a function because you've gained weight while someone else has lost? Where does this get you?
You're not angry at her. You're angry at yourself. So much you've said, but you're judging yourself pretty harshly to go along with it. This is very sad considering the only opinion that matters is yours. Who cares what others would be saying or thinking when you know you're making better choices now?
How about asking your SIL for some support? Tell her about your efforts. Say you've noticed she's eating healthier & you're trying to do the same. Make it a joint effort! She'll be happy FOR you, just as I'm sure you're happy for her as well.
I know that this has nothing to do with her - it's ALLLL about me!
I approached her about 6 months ago and asked her what she was doing because she looked great. She told me NOTHING!!!!!!
then, a few weeks ago while at her place for dinner one night I asked to check my email for work stuff and I saw the WW window open. I guess she didn't want to admit to me that she had joined. Anyway who knows!
And as for being happy for her! I definitely am! She has become a happy, energetic person who sees the brighter side of things. Before this, when she was heavier she didn't like to go out much, kept to herself most of the time and generally had low self-esteem. I'm very very happy that her confidence has improved since she's actually enjoying her life now!
I have these same feelings about my sister sometimes -- but how about putting yourself in her shoes -- who's to say she didn't have the same feelings when you were smaller than her. She is probably embarassed to be doing WW but wouldn't it be nice if the two of you were each others support system -- she definitely knows how much effort is involved.
Please don't let these feelings keep you away from your family -- you are making a great effort to get healthy and lose weight -- I would hate for her to begin to think you are upset with her.
I have been overweight, then thin, now overweight again and at first was hiding from my family. I missed out on so much that I now regret.
I approached her about 6 months ago and asked her what she was doing because she looked great. She told me NOTHING!!!!!!
then, a few weeks ago while at her place for dinner one night I asked to check my email for work stuff and I saw the WW window open. I guess she didn't want to admit to me that she had joined. Anyway who knows!
She definitely might have been embarrassed back then. That's why you should bring it up again! Tell her you've joined. Be excited about it!
I know the feeling too. And I don't think you should keep telling yourself that you're awful for thinking like that, because it's not true at all.
Try and use this as an extra motivational push in the right direction rather than feeling down about it. How great will it feel when you're alongside her picking up those tens too? I know it's easy to blame yourself for putting weight on, but logically it won't help, and plus you're doing great!
Shelby - I never through of it that way. You are probably right that she felt much the same way I do back in the day when I was thinner. Anyway, deep down I realize that it's my own guilt and anxieties that are causing these feelings. If anything I have to look at her and be motivated! I'm trying to turn the situation around and use her as my inspiration!
Faerie - I will ask her again! It actually came up this weekend and when I mentioned that I was on WW she didn't say a word. That gave me the impression that she didn't want me to know! If she wants to keep it to herself that's okay! I can understand how sensitive this issue is for some people!
I am curious why you call your brother's wife his girlfriend. Have you really accepted her ? The fact that she may be dieting is probably something she just doesn't want to share with others. I don't because I don't want to hear the endless, unwanted comments from others. She may feel the same way.
I find it so disheartening when I see people pull such negativity into their lives over body weight issues.
Is it normal to hate yourself for being overweight? Is it normal to resent and be jealous when someone close is thinner or has lost more weight than you?
Unfortunately, very unfortunately, the answer to both of those questions is yes. But, how much are you going to let these destructive feeling control and damage your life and relationship with other people? Normal doesn't mean true. Your SIL is not evil for having lost weight, and neither are you for having gained. There is no good reason for the hatred and resentment (towards her or yourself).
"Fat is a fate worse than death," has been drilled into us in our culture. But even that isn't really true. If we were covered in a substance that was itched and burned and smelled worse than cow manure, it would be very difficult to listen to a recommendation (even if true) that the best way to get it off was to do it very slowly, over months. Instead, we would panick and try crazy, even dangerous methods to get it off (even if most of them only made the stuff more difficult to get off).
That's how we feel about fat. Unfortunately hating fat, and ourselves for it, often does make weight loss more difficult (definitely more unpleasant) than it needs to be. It can isolate us from friends and family (and loneliness definitely does not promote weight loss).
Forgive your SIL, and forgive yourself. Do not hate yourself, and if you can, do not even hate the fat. Fat does have it's purpose, and if you got rid of all of it, you would die. Fat isn't the problem. Fat is good - when there's a famine. Unfortunately, there's no famine, so you want it gone. That's good, but you don't have to hate yourself, or even hate fat to get rid of it (I know that's a crazy concept in the modern world).
I truly believe that hating yourself, allows you to accomplish nothing good for yourself (after all, when you hate someone, you're less disposed towards helping them or looking out for their interests). The more you love yourself, the more you can treat yourself and your body as it deserves to be.
Dieting and exercise is supposed to be boring and even painful. The deprivation is the punishment you deserve for getting fat in the first place.
How much do you believe that?
Now, what if you turned it around to this?
I like myself and deserve to treat myself well. I deserve to eat wonderful, healthy and tastey food that nourishes my body and provides the nutrients it
needs. I deserve to find fun ways to move that body to improve that wonderful body's function and keep it at optimal performance.
Which car are you going to give the best fuel and keep in the best running condition? The one you think is ugly and a piece of junk. Or the car that you believe is valuable and beautiful?
I understand how it has to be frustrating. I have my own times when the green dragon rears its head, but in my case it comes out every time dh's married sister is pregnant again...given our own difficulties conceiving (DS & DD are 8 years apart, not by choice, and we lost #3 to a ruptured ectopic two years ago, and haven't been able to conceive again since...and she and her dh are very fertile, it seems).
For my part...I'm trying hard not to let it get to me anymore. So try not to beat yourself up over this. You're making some great choices, and the weight will come down for you, too!!
While I can understand someone not wanting to go too public over what they're doing to lose weight, it's a shame she's not at least open to you...given that it's something both of you could be working on together. What a great team you'd make!
In our families...well everyone who is trying to lose is pretty open about it, so that's nice .
Hang in there. As the inches and pounds come down for you, you'll feel better & better.
Feeling Bad
Aren't I terrible????
