Since recommitting myself to a healthier lifestyle a few months back, I have lost 25 pounds. Coupled with the 75 pound weight loss I've maintained since around 2005, this means I have lost an even total of 100 pounds since my highest weight.
Woah.
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Edited to add photos . . . I'm unsure of my weight in the two middle ones these but I'm pretty sure the first is near my highest. The last was taken just a few weeks ago.*
Now granted, I still have 110 pounds to go before I reach my ultimate goal of being at 150. I just got out of the "morbidly obese" category this past week with my BMI dropping below 40 for the first time in nearly 10 years. At my highest weight of 360, my BMI was a whopping 54.7, making me "super morbidly obese."
I have been overweight all of my adult life and throughout a good chunk of my childhood. I can't remember a thing about feeling "thin" or even "normal." I've spent way too much time feeling ashamed of my body and out of control when it came to taking care of it. I've grown tired of settling for matronly, unflattering clothes and letting myself go over not feeling it was worth it to even try making myself feel pretty.
Although I was already big when I got into the relationship, I started gaining a lot when I moved in with my first boyfriend back in 2002. We were out of state from where we grew up, I didn't have any local friends, and became severely depressed when the bills piled up and started a lot of fighting between us. I'm not sure how any of us reason that it helps to eat because as we all know, it never fixes anything in the long run. But the ex loved to eat even more than I did, so he was quick to encourage a lot of delivery and take-out food. I recall it was a pretty "normal" meal for us when we ordered chicken nuggets, deep-fried cheese curds, chili fries, *and* several Chicago-style hot dogs all at once. We also ordered a lot of pizza and ate way too much fast food. Every so often I'd try to break the habit and fix something in the kitchen, but the effort felt futile to me as he'd find a way to nit-pick any preparations I made and would go out for something else regardless.
Not that I can blame him entirely, but he sure was good at helping me sabotage myself. I eventually got fed up and decided to do something about my weight in late 2004 / early 2005 when I realized I'd gotten up to 360, getting a Y membership and structuring out a plan for eating healthier. I gave him the option of eating along with me or choosing his own food, and made it clear that any decision he made would not affect what I was eating (if he chose to eat the food I was eating, I would prepare it for him; if not, he was on his own with feeding himself). He was angry at me over it, not wanting any changes made and trying to guilt and lure me back into our old ways.
I stuck to it for several months though, excited about the pounds I was dropping. I think the ex was scared of me drawing the attention of other guys, and throughout it all he would try to bring me unhealthy food to eat along with him. I stayed strong through most of it. But somewhere along the lines a lot of personal things happened, making me lose interest in my commitment. Our arguments about food became the least of my worries; luckily I managed to maintain when I slacked off and didn't gain back any of the lost weight. Fortunately I opened my eyes to a lot of issues we were having and we broke up in late 2006. I began dating a friend online that made me feel much more worthwhile and appreciated, and moved across the country to be with him in late 2007. We're still going strong.
My current BF has never had any issues with my weight, and at the same time has been extremely supportive in my lifestyle choices. I'm not sure why it took me so long to commit myself to all this again. I went through so many changes since being with my ex and have made so many discoveries from within, that I'm worth more than I realized and that I have a lot of good already in my life. Something within me snapped just a few months ago, and I've been committed to eating healthier ever since. I'm still not happy with the amount of exercise I'm getting, but I think that will come with time.
Sometimes I look back at the person I was way back then, remembering how utterly unhappy I was, wondering how I let myself get so bad, appalled that I had turned a blind eye to who I was becoming. Now I feel full of hope and promise. I'm happy of where I am, of where I'm going. Oh, and that health and happiness is so much more than a mere number on a scale or even a clothing size. My asthma had gotten pretty bad, I was breaking out with extremely painful boils, I'd get winded after climbing just one flight of stairs, I couldn't even find clothes large enough for me in the plus-sized sections of the stores, and I was exhausted from the moment I woke up in the morning to the moment I'd pass out at night. I can handle stairs alright now, my skin is clearing up, I haven't had an asthma attack in ages (this is the time of year it would be at its worst), I can find clothes in the stores, and I'm actually beginning to not feel self-conscious and even energetic whenever I go out.
I rarely treat food as an escape anymore, which I believe was my main problem. I make sure I'm aware of calories and other nutrition info, I concentrate on whole fruits and veggies and eat eggs and chicken breast. I drink fruit smoothies every morning. I still eat out plenty, but check nutrition info beforehand to ensure what I can allow myself to have. I don't allow myself white sugar or other simple carbohydrates (breads must be whole-grain), I never drink soda anymore, not even diet (and believe me, I was a total Coke addict, lol), and I avoid overly-processed foods as much as possible. I'm still learning to cook, but what I currently eat is simple enough and I have plenty of time to figure out new recipes whenever I get bored. Oh, and I've discovered how much I love spinach! I can put it in practically anything, lol.
I think what has helped me the most is realizing how different types of food affects me, which has allowed me to actually crave healthy, nutritious stuff and avoid the stuff that later makes me feel like crap. I'm so looking forward to my continuing weight loss. I can't tell you how helpful it's been these past few months to be involved with this site ever since I renewed my commitment; it really helps to have people to relate to and you guys have really helped me get back in the groove!
25 + 75 = a 100 pound loss!
