Hi everyone! BIG post so if you want to turn back now... I warned you!!
I began my weight loss journey exactly a year ago and have lost 25-ish pounds to date. I'm going to get to ONEderland this year and stay there!
This past semester I suffered two counts of sexual assault. Both were date rape. I developed Stockholm Syndrome for the second aggressor and entered into a power control relationship with him. I took incompletes for several of my courses, which I've never done, and began binge drinking/using again. I finally sought help three weeks ago and was able to confront both aggressors (something I never thought I'd do.)
This second aggressor, the ex, spent our brief relationship reminding me that he had difficulty seeing past "the negativity" (my body) to get to my "inner beauty." He "had to keep reminding himself" that you can't judge a book by its cover and "push ahead with no regrets." Oh, and I "need to exercise and stuff."
Needless to say, his behavior coupled with the assaults just reinforced my perceived worthlessness. My body language regressed. I slouched, looked down, talked quieter. But I slowly began to recognize that the critical voice in my head was HIM.
My close friends, who have accepted me exactly as is from day one at my heaviest, called to let me know they were having a New Year's party and they'd be swinging through town to pick me up if I wanted to go. I became isolated when I started seeing him, so I was overjoyed to see them again!
Nine of us spent two days together near the ocean eating fresh seafood, playing games, appreciating each other and just being. We watched fireworks from a hurricane barrier and caught the first sunrise of the New Year on the beach.
We learned that a few hours from then, there would be a Polar Plunge to raise awareness and money for victims of domestic violence. As the time drew closer, the beach began to fill up with people. I knew some from college. I worried about how I looked, if they'd talk about it later.
But I was surrounded by loving friends and succeeded in keeping on track for an entire year. And I was sick of feeling like dirt. I deserved to feel AWESOME.
I stripped to a cami and underwear right there on the beach. My legs were lumpy. My upper arms were saggy. I could see my breath. I had ridiculous hangover hair. My butt hung out wherever it pleased.
I DIDN'T CARE! I felt totally beautiful!! I had my Baywatch moment making a dash for the seaweed. Running felt so good.
Some of my friends undressed too and followed suit. A huge crowd charged the beach and dove into the Atlantic face-first. It was COLD. I've never been so cold in my life. But I stayed under as long as I could, holding onto the moment and pretending that when I surfaced again the water would drip from my body and take with it all the negativity and I'd be born again, free of his chains.
I know this now; self-esteem doesn't come from the outside, it's built-in!! Being overweight, we often let people's comments and perceptions define us. So next time life gives you the chance, just JUMP IN! It's waiting!
NSV - the Polar Plunge! (self-esteem!)
and thanks for sharing.
