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Old 04-29-2002, 08:42 AM   #1  
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Default Oy vey! I need advice!

I have a friend, living now in another state who is married to a person I can only describe as REALLY BIZARRE. My friend, who I will call Jane, is a kind hearted person without an ounce of common sense. She moved to this other state about 13 years ago, met and married "John". John is an alcoholic, although he hasn't had any alcohol for years. The problem is that, first, he spent time in prison for killing his mother, while living with a prostitute. His children from a previous marriage will have nothing to do with him since he molested them years ago while his was drinking alcohol and using drugs. I think that, now, he treats Jane well, but, again, she has described their sexual life and it is really gross.
Okay...we just got a message that they are coming to our state in three weeks. I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS MAN! I don't want him in my home or near my family. How can I write Jane this without hurting her feelings? I realize I am in a no-win situation as that whatever I write to her, she will never speak to me again. How can I tell her this in a way that hurts her the least?
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Old 04-29-2002, 09:22 AM   #2  
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Well Tippy,
These situations suck. If they wishing to stay with you it becomes a whole different situation where you MUST tell your friend you do not wish to be around her dh.

I think the best thing to do is to call, tell her that you would love to see her if she can make the time, but you are uncomfortable being around her husband. She already knows his past and I can't believe for a second that she has not been in this situation before. She may handel it better than you think. I don't think I would send a letter as then it is in balck and while and she could show him.

Once you tell her this the ball is in her court. She can say either it is all or nothing, she could say I would love to make the time or she could say, this may not be the best thing for me now but lets continue the way things are.

Or you could buck up and go to dinner with her and her husband and your husband and suck it up and not bring the issue up at all.
Humm, I guess this is not much help.


-L
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Old 04-29-2002, 09:35 AM   #3  
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Oh Tippy, what a problem,

I would suggest that you do your best to be kind to your friend's new husband. There is no need to entertain them at your home. I would suggest meeting them in public, at a nice restaraunt or park. I do not think I would be interested in being involved with this guy. Too bad your friend had to marry such a person. As a christian, I do believe in forgiveness, but trust is a whole other issue.

Let us know how you decide to handle this, good luck,
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Old 04-29-2002, 09:51 AM   #4  
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Tippy,
That is a really hard situation to deal with. Two things come to mind, one if I had children under the age of 14 or so, I would NOT have anyone with a history of child abuse in my home, and I would tell my friend this. The other thing is that you can always say that you are too busy, out of town etc to see them or arrange to just to meet them or lunch, get in and get out.

Or you can take the direct approach and say that she is welcome, but her husband is not, end of message.

In any case I feel from you I have some friends from my past that I wouldn't feel comfortable having tsay with me and my family now. It's just how life goes, some people evolve, some don't.

SunDrop

Oh Yes, and a cautionary note, on other people's sex lives, nothing is gross between two consenting and loving adults, that doesn't mean invite them over for a floor show, just that it's best not to pass that kind of judgement unless she is distressed about it.
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Old 04-29-2002, 10:08 AM   #5  
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Default not a pretty picture...

i really like the idea of dinner/lunch somewhere else. and telling her that you will not allow anyone with a history of child abuse in your house/near you children.

maybe this message could be tempered with a few comments that you understand that he's been good to her, but his past is very hard for you to overcome. and that it would take a lot of time for you to welcome him into your life [notice i didn't say HOME].

of course, this might open the door for more contact, which is NOT something you seem to want. but it's important that jane understand that you love her and are concerned for her, but your first priority is protecting your family.

good luck. let us know what you decide. it's a very sticky situation...
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Old 04-29-2002, 11:00 AM   #6  
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Hey Tippy...since you asked......

I live my life by two simple words...no regrets...life is too short to be doing anything that you don't want to do and I just don't any more...it sounds like you and your friend have a very open relationship, at least she has certainly told you a lot of very personal things. I would say it right out in the open..."I am not comfortable with your new husband, if you want to meet one day for lunch just let me know"....but actually I would consider her guilty by association and would probably not be maintaining the relationship at all...pretty harsh eh?

But only since you asked....
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Old 04-29-2002, 11:44 AM   #7  
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OY VEY ISN'T THE WORD TIP !!!!!!!!! OH MARONE !!!

Tip, I wouldn't want him near my home either. Listen, your friend has to realize that with his background and everything she's told you, she can't expect people to welcome him with open arms and feel comfortable around him. Even if he is a changed man, that doesn't mean you should let your guard down, I know I wouldn't.

If you truly value her friendship then I would make up something like your going to be doing some scattered traveling that week with "R" and your family and you don't know if you'll be around and say maybe you'll meet her for a fast lunch somewhere on YOUR WAY out to somewhere. I wouldn't give her the idea you'll be home at any given time during her visit. You don't want her popping in unexpected and off guard.

If you feel like you wanna break off the friendship or she might understand, I would politely tell her the truth, I know you said she's got no common sense but if she has a hair of it, she will realize and accept you for how your feel about him.......for crying out loud, she accepted him and look what all he's done, your only telling her the truth. If she blows you off then thats one friendship that wasn't ment to be.

Sis I'm with you, thats a scary man and you should'nt have to deal or even look at him.

Good luck, if you need to talk you know where to find me.

Love, Leens
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Old 04-29-2002, 04:11 PM   #8  
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This woman hasn't an ounce of common sense, although her IQ is high as the sky! I have never phoned her, but, now and then, I've dropped her a letter. She phones me. I think the poor thing has no friends and her family has long since given up on her. And, seriously, her family has a lot to do with her mental state.

Thank goodness, she and bizarre person have no children, although their dog and cat are treated like children.
Jane seems to have no idea about the ramifications of Jims molesting his, now adult children. But, she herself was raped as a teenager. Her mother blamed Jane for being raped! When I met her, we were in our thirties. She was suicidal and was cutting herself.

I still don't know how I'm going to handle this I don't want to hurt her because, God knows, she has been hurt enough. If anyone has any other suggestions, I'm all ears.
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Old 04-29-2002, 05:07 PM   #9  
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Tip, you don't need this stress, what does hubby say ?

I would just tell her you are doing some traveling or when time comes tell her you are very sick with the flu and can't make the date ?

Good Luck Sis !
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Old 04-29-2002, 07:05 PM   #10  
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Tip, Life is too short to spend your precious time and energy on this. Just tell her you are going to be unavailable at that time. That is not a lie. Wish her a good trip.
DH's favourite expression is "No explanations - they just get you in trouble."
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Old 04-29-2002, 11:21 PM   #11  
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Hey Tip!

I had hoped to post but was only able to lurk for a few minutes this morning. But I have not forgotten your post all day.

As someone who's been on both sides of that fence I have some mixed feelings ~~ personal and religion.

When is your friend coming to visit? My unemployed BIL without puter access was on mine all afternoon. I would like to respond to you and all my mixed up thoughts in the morning. Would that be too late? I am sure you are aware of how some of your issues with John strike close to home with me, but even I am surprised at the other side that enters in.

Darn--DH just pulled in -- gotta go, but will be back

<hugs to ya Tip> this is a tuffy!

J
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Old 04-30-2002, 02:54 PM   #12  
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Well, Tippy. I had to jump in with my 2 cents, since I've been right in the same spot you are now.

My cousin has an abusive, disgusting husband. I love my cousin and we are quite close, but I refuse to be in ANY room with him. And, my children don't even know what he looks like. I had to make it clear to my cousin that I love her, I love her daughter, but that I couldn't associate with her husband at all and if that meant that we couldn't be friends, then so be it. I explained that I would not stand around and put my life or my childrens lives in danger and that if he came in to a room then I would pick up my kids and my things and walk out of it (which I've actually had to do). She said she understood because she had heard this from others. (I agree that your friend has probably been in this predicament already.)

It's not harsh, its an unfortunate reality. You have to decide if this friendship is worth the trouble. Some are and some aren't. Where does this one lie? Remember, you want life to be POSITIVE, not full of hurt and negativity. If that's what this relationship is going to offer, then maybe it's not worth it.

Good luck. It's a toughy!
((((((Tippy))))))
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Old 04-30-2002, 03:23 PM   #13  
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This is a tuffy is what I keep saying to myself. With some questions, if you don't mind.

I keep thinking of the reality of the world we live in and the age most of us are at. And so many different thoughts enter my mind.

Tip, my DS (Stephen) is 18 1/2 yrs old. He put us thru absolute **** for the last few years. His last court trip was for a felony (resisting arrest) and fortunately was pled out to a misdemeanor. He has been doing much better with a bit of maturity and off the drugs recently. Let's assume that his 2 marijuana charges and the felony did not go as they did and he is carrying three convictions that look pretty bad. Should he still be judged at 31 by his younger actions if he indeed has changed his life and ways?

I've also known one or two others (by association, not the crowd I hang with ! ) lol that in their 20's or 30's did some horrible things due to their chosen lifestyle at that time but are definately not the same people today. I am so happy to say that before one passed away earlier this year that I know for a fact that he had been baptized and lived his life for God.

So, questions and thoughts, if you don't mind.

Has your friend been married to John for 13 years? If so, how has he treated her.

How long since he quit drinking? Does he or has he had a support group?

Has he been in prison since he's been with Jane?

Did he tell Jane about his past before they married?

Now, the child molestation is a whole different subject with me. But I will try to be Christian like and ask the following. Did he openly volunteer this to her or did she find out by accident? Has he had counseling?

Have you been around him before? And was it before/after you discovered his past? If before, what did you think of him then?

Tip, I don't blame you at all for wanting nothing to do with this man, some are very obvious reasons. On the other hand, if he truly has put his past behind and is not the same person.....?

Hope you're not upset with me.

J
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Old 04-30-2002, 09:00 PM   #14  
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Default Hi MamaJ

Let's see if I remember this! I believe they have been married for 12 years and, by and large, I think he treats her well. I believe he told her about going to prison for killing his mother and the molestation of his children after they were married.

You have to know Jane to understand why she would accept this information calmly. Her thinking process also has been changed because she had a brain aneurysm.

They did go to A.A. meetings for awhile but not anymore that I know of. BTW, Jane is also an alcoholic. There has been no counseling for child molestation.

I've never met the man but I did speak to hm on the phone briefly when his aunt died. IMHO, he didn't sound like he was playing with a full deck! Or, as LindaT put in--two french fries short of a Happy Meal!

I've decided to wait and see if they even get here as I can't imagine they'd scrape up enough money to travel. Then, I plan on getting either very sick or simply not answer the phone. Again, I can't imagine that they'd find their way out here to the boonies.
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Old 04-30-2002, 09:16 PM   #15  
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seems as if you've made a good decision here. they just don't appear to be sensible people. they're not playing in the same reality we are, and they're dangerous...


good luck
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