I'm tired
 

Usually I like fall - easier to work outside when not broiling in the sun and humidity. This fall I will have my father's final days at his house to deal with. I am dreading this but it has to be done. I hope he goes fast or that my cousin the doctor can convince him to move into assisted care.

Sometimes I hate being an only child and having no relatives or friends to draw on. Funny that - one cousin is a doctor and the other used to be a social worker. Both are wealthy people. Neither one is stepping forward with any sort of help I can use.

All the responsibility falls on me. And I can't access a phone by day so that makes it even more complicated.

I have already been eating to relieve stress. DH isn't helping with his new web page creation (excused as a work project) fixation. Another way for him to avoid helping me or to start his fitness/diet plan.

I am going to try to forget about all this for next week and try to enjoy a bit of my vacation. I know I'm supposed to be doing a bunch of research and stuff but I don't fully believe DH is going to make it to this place with me.

So I'm going to do a lot of walking. And sitting and enjoying the sensation of not having a to-do list or a bunch of stuff nagging at me to get done.

Dagmar :tired:

saef, it's not pointless. Your apartment is rebuilt, yet it's not a home. That will come. When you first moved in, there were probably some of the same feelings? You've gone through legitimate trauma; healing takes some time. You've spoken well of your therapist - are there any opportunities to get some personal support for dealing with the multitude of emotions? Contemplation's wonderful, if your thinking is organized and healthy. My own realities are out of focus and I sometimes cause myself even more trouble when I try to think my way out of things. Having a grounded, rational place to bounce my odd thoughts has been a much shorter path - keeps me from going too far astray.

Jessica, I've had tomato ice cream, but not corn. I'll bet it was terrific - corn is so sweet!

Allison, I had a dream about the very same thing the other night - woke up in a cold sweat because I'd forgotten to take DS to his first day of school. :D I'll have to look up the exploding toilet thing. When I'm not drinking coffee. :lol3: Really? Re the college talk, I'm glad that my DS has fallen in love with my alma mater, Michigan Tech, but he's going to have to really come to the party academically if he's serious. 7th grade was not exactly a stellar year per the numbers.

Dagmar, where is it you're headed on vacation? I find I can only relax now when I get away from my house; otherwise I'm constantly kicking myself for not getting more done. Agree with you that fall is the best season. I can also relate to the only-child stuff. Many things are simpler, but taking care of parents ... phew, it's tough. Mine (cross fingers) are still in good health so far, and both have taken pains to document how they want things done.

Michele, sorry to hear about the dog delays. I know you've been working hard to make this happen.

krampus - a little crazy is good for the soul. :)

Janelle, our garden is beginning to overflow too. The beans are on, we are swimming in early tomatoes, and there's kale, collards, and chard going. Our potatoes came out well, except for a long split in each one that's skinned over. It almost looks like the split in a dinner roll, when you slash the top before baking. :shrug: Each potato has it. Makes them a bear to peel! DH just put in the fall broccoli and lettuce. He's playing with some fresh fermentations, so we've had a bit of fresh sauerkraut, and a small crock of pickles. Planning a bout of canning this weekend - either tomato juice or stewed tomatoes. I envy you your backhoe. :D Driving one is on my bucket list.

I've been slow getting out of the gate this week. We had a 50th birthday event on Sunday night for one of DH's friends, and that screwed up the very critical good (or at least long) night's sleep going into Monday. Tonight is DS's dentist appt, pickup for housekeeper visit on Wed and packing DS up for choir camp. Maybe grab a swim. It will be a long week - there's something on the schedule every single night. It's all accelerating toward the start of the school year and I'M NOT READY!!! :dizzy:

I'm a little sad this morning. I was planning to go to San Diego to meet some dogs but the one I'm most interested in has come down with pneumonia and is in isolation so I can't meet him. We may go to the adoption event on Saturday and if we don't find what we like there we'll see if anyone is heading toward the shelter where this dog is so we can see him then (usually they get out of isolation within a couple days, but he might not be well enough to go to the event).

DD informed me she's coming for Labor Day weekend! My BF from SLC is coming that weekend, too, so we should have a good weekend then.

I'm going to have to see if I can get into my stylist a week early. 6 weeks between haircuts is too long! I think it's only been four and I need one now (yeah, my hair does grow really fast).

Allison, I thought about you yesterday, had to go for monthly IV treatment as I was coming into the hospital I saw a lady coming out with a handsome,black lab, he is a therapy dog. A beautiful boy ! I wanted to stop and talk to her but didn't have time.

Allison - I'm sorry you are having so much trouble with the adoption process. You wouldn't think it would be this complicated to adopt a dog, as many as are out there needing homes.

Bargoo - how is your treatment going, if you don't mind me asking? I've been in and out of hospitals a lot this last two weeks and it brought you into my mind.

Saef - oh sweetheart, my heart breaks reading your posts this week. I know that this has been a hard year for you, and instead of getting easier being back in your own home it is instead adding more to the lost feelings. I have to believe that it will get easier as you get more settled, and I agree that those things will all be there when you get to them. Don't rush yourself to tackle the minutae, try instead to reconnect with the joy of your space. Definitely get out into Manhattan, take in a play, reconnect with your existence. Becky is right, you suffered a loss and are now right back into the same place having to deal with the stress over again. I guess this is why so many people sell their houses and move after the death of a loved one. My thoughts are with you. :hug:

Becky - ah, the joys of a busy parent during the school year. I'm not ready either, and I'm two over a week into the school year already.

Janelle - I am not fond of driving a back hoe either. Luckily I moved to the city and don't find myself helping my grandfather on his farm anymore. :)

Dagmar - I'm sorry about your dad. That entire situation is a hard one. Try to enjoy your vacation and not worry before you have to worry.

My grandmother is home from the hospital, the endoscope and the colonoscopy came back clean so they are looking for other tests to try to explain the low blood count. She's in good spirits, though a little tired. Says she is almost 79, she is pretty much always tired. I get that. I'm tired, too.

I am going to continue my work on simplfying and breaking patterns this week. I've realized that my workout program was too complicated and time consuming, so I was using that as an excuse to skip it. I'm going back to a more compact metabolic workout followed by some cardio, going to try to get my runs longer again on at least one of them per week. I'm two days into the week and haven't gotten up for yoga, but if I can get it in tonight and then keep it up I've only missed one day this week. Here is my quandry - when I get up and exercise or do yoga I feel better all day. Yet, when the alarm goes off I make excuses to get that extra 30-60 minutes of sleep and turn it off. Inevitably I then feel icky for at least a few hours in the morning. I need to remember how to trick my head into getting out of the bed. Or have DH shove me out of it. One way or another. :)

Shannon, thanks for asking, treatment is going OK . Doctor increased IV from every 3 months to once a month, this is not necessarily bad news. All in all I don't feel that bad.I'm still able to "suit up and show up" every day.

I posted in last week's thread. Oops... so tired....

Here is what I posted there which kind of explains my posting in the wrong place:

Insomnia....sigh....
I can't take allergy or cold meds with "D" in them. I've been taking Allegra D 12 hour in the morning and not having any issues. I ran out and they only had the 24 hour Allegra D. I took it two days in a row and haven't slept in 2 days. I'm not taking it again! I took a Zyrtec today instead so hopefully that works.

This morning I have a staff retreat with teambuilding, breakfast, etc. Rather than going in so early, I don't have to leave until 8:15. I thought I would sleep in. I guess not.

Michele - I can't the 'd' before bed either. The pseudoephedrine keeps me up all night. I can fall asleep initially, then pop wide awake after two hours and don't sleep solidly the rest of the night.

If anyone watches "Breaking Bad" I believe pseudoephedrine (called "pseudo" on the show) is one of the prime ingredients in "street meth" - no wonder you guys can't sleep! :hyper:

Dagmar :tired:

I have fallen into an old pattern this week. Short version: too much work :stress:, too much caffeine :coffee2: to cope with work, crash, eat until I drop, poor sleep due to binge eating in evening, wash, rinse, repeat. :tired:

I guess I feel guilty :shrug: for going away to enjoy myself for a week. DH is sulking and moping. There's the stuff with my father - I keep thinking I "should" be doing something for his arrival. So I'm eating to "spoil" my vacation because I will feel fat and frumpy while on it.

FRACK!!! :tantrum:

I just threw out all my hidden stashes of junky food. I will eat clean until my departure Monday morning. That should take care of the bloat I've put on in the past few days.

I work hard all the time - days, evenings, weekends on the job plus all the house stuff plus errands for my dad plus, plus, plus. I have been totally exhausted for most of 2012.

I'm going to take next week and spend it enjoying just living. No schedule, no routine, no phone calls, no email. Just get up every day and do stuff I want to do.

Dagmar :yoga:

dagmar, I still fall into the trap of "being guilty of feeling good." It's a real puzzle. Glad you found the wherewithall to purge the junk, and recognize what's going on. :hug: Don't let DH's pouting drag you down - you need a recharge and it will be easier to be a better partner after you fill your own needs.

The bids are done and the decision is all but made - we are re-siding our house in cement composite, using a contractor who guarantees their work for however many years we stay in the house, be it 10 years or 40. That level of workmanship doesn't come cheap (and it shouldn't). The saga with the delaminating doorwalls continues; I'm jumping through the last of the hoops to submit the warranty claims. I am required to provide some photographs of the doors, and rightfully so ... it's just that catching them in the right morning light to capture all their horrible glory is something that has to wait for the weekend. I am up and gone too early on the weekdays. The prospect of wiping out the majority of our non-retirement savings is causing me some insomnia, so count me among the :tired:!

I just bought the first season of Breaking Bad and we watched the first two episodes last night. Intriguing show. But meth labs are what caused all pharmacies here to only allow you to buy two cold medicines at a time AND you have to show ID and have it recorded in a book first. Stupid drug dealers.

Cement composite--is that like stucco? Most of the homes out here are stucco. Basically the house is framed, and then insulated and then "wrapped" with some weatherproof stuff (Tyvek) and then they put up a wire mesh to hold the stucco and then spray the stucco on and then paint. It's quite a good insulator. Even when we've had the power go out in the middle of the summer, the house never gets above 85 degrees.

One of my teacher friends was just telling me about this show yesterday. Here you can only buy one cold or allergy med at a time and you have to show ID. Frustrating. And dd can't buy her own even though she is in college because she is 17!

I slept well last night though! Still got up a few times to pee but I'd had tons of liquids after bikram yoga. At least I was able to go back to sleep!

I have trouble sleeping, too. I got some ZZZQuil the new sleepaid by the makers nof NyQuil. I took the prescribed dose, woke up in the middle of the night, completely disoriented, didn't know if it was day or night or where I was I was totally confused , wasn't sure what to do for a few minutes before I realized it was night, I was in my bedroom and wanted to go to sleep.

Now sleep is one area where I've been making progress. I am getting used to my new bed in the guest room, and only wake up maybe twice in the night. It helps not to drink any caffeine after 4 PM and to try to shut my mind off from the tape loop of worries and admonitions and to-do lists.

And yes, guilt over feeling good is a sensation with which I am quite familiar. Like I'm not supposed to feel too good for too long, and if I'm caught at it, I will be punished with something unpleasant. Like: "Why are you smiling? Don't you have a job to do?"

I'm struggling with flexibility just now. My boss just told me today that she wants me to come in Friday to help her conduct an interview. I really look forward to working from home on Fridays and downshifting, which includes time to cook something & a longer session at the gym. Now I have to rethink that & it is making me unhappy and tense.