Weight hasn't moved since last Friday, despite my getting my period and despite my ability to press dents into my ankles last night from fluid retention. It's one of those moments when I was nearly convinced the scale somehow got stuck at a certain number, even though it's high-tech and digital, not like my 160-year-old clock, whose filigree metal hands do occasionally get hung up on one another when circling around the clock face.

I'm fine with consistency this week, since I've had a lot of emotional ups and downs over the small annoyances of getting through life, and am consequently wearing my teeth down to stubs while chewing sugarfree gum.

Dagmar, how are you feeling today?

Becky, I'm drooling on myself reading that menu!

Allison, I hope Chico will have a better day tomorrow :( Enjoy the gala!

saef, hang in there. You are handling all the stress fantastically well I should say.

*****

I started the day off wrong by setting my phone charger on fire (what kind of idiot plugs in a long cord right above a gas range stove? I do) and heading out the door - thankfully my boyfriend smelled the smoke and put out the fire while I was picking up coffee at the store.

It's a gorgeous and wonderful day out. Five days until my new roommate moves in. Six days until I set out for Maryland Deathfest (heavy metal 4-day festival in Baltimore). Planning an all-day hike in the mountains tomorrow, followed by a night out at a topless bar/strip clubs with my group of friends who happen to all be lesbians. I really don't dig those kinds of venues - they make me feel unsexy and dissatisfied with my (34AAAAA) breasts.

You are making me feel old kiddo! 4 days of heavy metal sounds great - to my 25 year old self. :p I used to drink in hotels with strippers all the time when I was in college (a million years ago) and I am definitely not well-endowed (then or now although I "got" cleavage at menopause for some very odd reason). Breast size didn't affect me but I was always dismayed to see how bored/drugged/drunk all the dancers looked. Not an easy gig.

Dagmar :tired:

We had a wonderful time last night at the gala. We met some very nice people including Carl Karcher, son of the Carl Karcher who founded Carl's Jr. Nice guy, strange wife. She said she's 51 but looks and acts more like 21. They're in the process of adopting two cute little boys from Russia. He gave us cards for a free chicken salad and a free chicken sandwich from Carl's Jr! Doubt we'll use them. I also met a TV personality with whom I'm friends on Facebook. He's on the board of the YMCA and I said I'd stop by and say hi. His first question was "how's Chico?"

The dinner was fabulous but I have no idea what I was eating at times. The salad was quite tasty and I know there was some endive in it--but that is all I recognized. I seriously have no idea what they chopped up to create the salad but it wasn't regular lettuce or anything else I'm familiar with. I had the salmon that was served with a medley of vegetables served on mashed potatoes. I recognized the asparagus, but there were these little round things that perplexed me. They were slightly larger than a garbanzo bean, the color of a canned mushroom, and a texture more like a potato but I'm certain they weren't potatoes. Sorbet was dessert.

It feels strange here at work today as I left Chico at home. We're going to an awards assembly at DS's school and I didn't think Chico would be comfortable left alone at the office, so he stayed at home. I thought he'd have a conniption fit but he was fine and didn't attempt to come with us. He had a much better afternoon yesterday and I think he'll be good today--he'll certainly get better rest.

Allison-- how is Chico feeling today?

Krampus-- You're making me feel old too! I always plug my phone into the plug near the stove/ coffeepot.... I'll have to watch out!

Chico was much better yesterday afternoon and I think he's good today. I left him at home today. It feels strange to not have him here as he's been coming to work with me almost daily for the past month. I thought he'd put up a fight when I said "you stay" to him this morning, but he took his treat and didn't attempt to walk out to the garage. I think he'll get better rest there than he gets here.

Have I mentioned lately how much I enjoy Spotify? I have discovered so many new groups and songs that I probably wouldn't have otherwise. Two new favorites are Neon Trees and the brand new album by Keane (I have an older one of theirs).

Allison. so glad to hear Chico is feeling better. hope he continues that way.

Well, shoot. Two days of dinners off plan and I'm up 2 pounds. I can feel it too, my tummy is extra jiggly.

We went to DD's Honor's Convocation at CSUF last night. Too cool to have her graduate Magna Cum Laude with Honors! Well, not graduate, but she got her BA in Music Education with an emphasis on Instruments. But as the faculty was filing in wearing all their regalia, all I could think was that we were at Hogwarts. My son said the same thing!

Allison, congratulations to your daughter and to her parents, too !
I was looking at Web MD this morning , according to their charts I only need to gain 8 pounds to be overweight. I guarantee you I could gain 8 pounds in a flash. And that is why I fuss so much about being slightly over goal.

I **am** overweight by the BMI charts. I am not at peace with that, but I am questioning whether the effort of keeping my weight lower is worth it.

Yesterday, while downstate looking over my apartment, I stopped by my former neighborhood gym because the manager was at the front desk. She was happy to see me. We got into conversation about her travails with her back over this past winter, the different styles of Spin class instruction, the Pilates' instructor's wedding which was to take place that very day, and then finally, on eating and exercise.

I told her I'd had a bowl of lentil soup for lunch that day, along with a side of grilled vegetables. She told me she limits her lentil intake "because they have so many calories." And inwardly, I winced. And here's why:

I don't want to maintain such a low weight that I worry about lentils.

I thought it again at midnight during the long bus ride back Upstate, while eating a snack because I was hungry: I don't want to maintain such a low weight that I worry about eating an entire banana, rather than breaking it in two.

Yes, I am willing not to eat packaged Hostess cakes, or McDonald's fries and milkshakes, or packages of potato chips -- choices that my fellow bus passengers made when we stopped at the massive convenience store in the travel rest stop. The store did not offer me many healthy choices and I was hungry and unhappy with my self-imposed limitations, which made me feel "different" from the other bus passengers in a bad way. Reducing my options even further worries me.

There's a broad spectrum of choices about eating, which I see on this site every day, and everyone has to make her own decisions. Mine is that I am not going to ban or limit lentils and bananas the way I have with so very many other foods out there. If that means my weight edging into a gray area in the BMI charts, because I am not restricting enough during my waking hours, so be it.

If I can edge lower, back into "healthy" according to the BMI charts, but do it in a way that I consider healthy, and ** this is most critical ** in such a way that I don't make myself completely crazy again, that would be better.

But I also worry about triggering a lingering bout of the crazies. Others without my history make different choices. Mine is balancing my weight with my history of obsessive and over-controlling tendencies.

I understand completely .

I can understand your frustration with the limitations, but in no way were you different in a bad way. You were different in a good way.

I know what your old gym pal meant about limiting the healthier choices (like lentils and bananas), but I, too, refuse to limit the healthier choices. They are healthy for a reason. Potato chips and the like are not healthier choices and limiting those should allow us a bit more leniency on the healthy choices.

my weight is still up this morning and I can still feel it. Yuck. Heading out for a game of golf, walking and carrying my clubs FWIW. DD is in town for the week and wants me to go to the gym with her (for all of two days--don't know if it is worth it for that). She wants to do spin class, which I've never done, but doesn't want to do Zumba which I've wanted to try. I'm also dreading being in a huge class.

We're going to dinner tonight to celebrate DD getting her degree (but not graduating) and unfortunately our reservation is 10 minutes before the apex of the annular solar eclipse. I understand the sun will be occluded by 86% at 6:38 and our reservation is at 6:30--inside. Sure we'll see most of it before that.

I ran a race this morning, and the post race food included watermelon, cantaloupe, sliced veggies, bananas, mini blueberry muffins, mini cookies, pasta salad, BBQ, pizza, something from hooters I didn't check out and various gu, gels and sports drinks. My friend and I had some of the fruit and veggies, less than a forkful apiece of the BBQ and a small cookie, I added a mini muffin over her. I was listening to the folks who were eating the pasta, pizza, wings etc talking about how they had run a race, they were eating. Now - it was a 5k, so probably 500 cals burned if they pushed hard. Maybe as many as 600. I watched some of these people down 3-4 slices of pizza plus wings, and all I could think was that they had just undone all of their efforts with the post race food. As I was pondering this I heard two women behind me talking about only eating the carrot sticks and watermelon, avoiding the bananas and any bready item and commenting on those like me who had 140 cals in little cookie and muffin and how we undid our race with our snack. It was an interesting perspective. I refuse to seriously limit my fruit - if I had wanted a banana I would have had one. I chose to have a cookie and muffin because I know the place they come from and am confident in the calorie count, plus I only have them after these races. I questioned it briefly, but ate it. I didn't see it as an agregious amount of food like the pizza, but obviously some people did.

Shannon, that's exactly what I mean. There are so many degrees of restrictiveness in the name of health and weight control. And I worry I get a little smug about it sometimes, which leaves me in a rather elitist position, and that is a lonely place to be in. You don't have much company when you're way up there looking down on everyone else. But then there's always someone who's even more restrictive, and who's feeling a little more correct & self-righteous because they eat even less or even more selectively.

That way lies the crazy, for me anyway. I am not getting sucked into that game. But oh, it's hard. I have to consciously fight it. Part of me chastises myself: A whole banana? Really?

Because I ate obliviously, for so long, eating myself up past 250 pounds probably, I am vulnerable to self-criticism of my choices.

Part of me wants to look like a fitness model. Another part of me feels exhausted at that idea and reminds me I've got other priorities just now, and maybe even that wouldn't make me happy, just even more smug ... and lonely.

I have to think about food all the time, should I eat it ? Will I be able to button my pants if I do ? Should I leave it alone and feel deprived ? It is a balncing act. I was able to button my pants this morning but I did eat a small muffin, wasn't sure what it was but I think it may have had zucchini in it. I came home and adjusted my calories for the day so it should be alright but that is my story re: food, plan ahead, alter the plan if necessary. If I do eat something high calorie I either account for it or just suffer the consequences. I can't let that happen too often, I do not want to be over 200 pounds again. Many of you have read posts by Gary (EZMoney) Per his stats he is one foot taller than me and I weighed more than he when I started to diet.That is a sobering thought to be heavier than a 6 foot tall man when I am just 5 feet.