Frustrated about 'too thin' comment
 

I saw my father over the weekend and he stated that I was 'too thin' in his opinion which left me more than a little upset. I was near tears. When I asked my DH point-blank if he thought my father was right, he said, 'absolutely not'. He pointed out that I looked fit but certainly not gaunt or frail like my dad was hedging at. I'm still new to this maintenance thing and my father's comment (even though I don't agree with him) has made me second-guess my IF way of eating. I'm so confused.

Should I eat bread or not? Should I get my carbs just from fruits or vegetables? Should I only eat paleo with an occasional cheat day? Should I just eat three meals a day and that's it? These are the questions that I struggle with.

My eating has always been the missing link in my quest for better health. Even when I exercised for months at a time, my eating habits were always poor. Short of going to a RD which is not a financial option right now, I'm asking for help with my diet. Please! Anyone?!? TIA.

The problem nowadays is that I don't think people are used to seeing thin folks unless they're on television (doesn't TV add pounds? I've seen celebrities in real life and they always seem thinner in person), so when they actually DO see a real thin person, it's a shock! Clearly that person needs to eat or something! </sarcasm>

You probably already know this, but you're in the normal BMI range so I don't see the need for worry. You're also extremely fit, so I'm sure you look great! While your father may just have your best interests in mind, he isn't you or your doctor so he doesn't know that you're fine and healthy at that weight unless you straight up told him (would he listen?)

I'm pretty sure I remember you posting before that your weight loss/fitness journey started with talking to your doctor or something like that? I would probably just point out that exactly. That you've talked to your doctor about your weight/fitness and that he/she approved with your plan. I don't think there's anything else to be discussed beyond that.

I agree with sontakle, my question would have been, thin as compared to what? The mostly overweight population? I have been getting those comments more and more and I sm still a couple of pounds away from the upper range of a healthy BMI.

With so much media surrounding eating disorders maybe this is his way of communicating his concern to you. Sounds like how my dad communicates! Anyway, I would go with how you feel. If you feel healthy and fit and your doctor agrees then just give it time and he will eventually get used to the new you! Congratulations on your success!

It's funny but parents are critical either way. Either you are too fat or you are too skinny, or this or that. Well, mine are, especially my grandmother, so I know how feel in a way. You decide what's right for you as long as you are healthy and happy.

Great response!

*sigh*....i just wish somebody would tell me i'm too thin...

My grandmother DOESN'T want me to be thin or fit. She always says "Our side of the family are bound to pick up weight, the girls in our family are fat". It;s like she wants me to be fat, and when I do lose weight she never comments on it.

Also the other day my one friend said. "You should stop before you fall through your butt". I was like. WHAT? I'm not even in my normal BMI but "Im almost falling through my butt". When we're overweight they moan when we're thin they moan. I rest my case.

People are weird. I think especially our parents and grandparents. They were used to the way we were and that's how they know us. Maybe you should sit down and talk to your dad about this. Good luck ;)

"Thin" is one of those very subjective things.

melodymist I hope you don't mind my using your avatar as an example - it jumped out at me.

What do all of you think about the arm in melody's avatar? Is it thin, too thin, fit, unfit, etc.?

Our responses to thin/fat are also coloured by our experience of being overweight, yes? And the person/parent commenting on our weight also has their responses coloured by same.

Dagmar :dizzy:

Oh, I hear you on that.

Honestly, if it were me (and I'm thinking of my own family here) I wouldn't waste my breath.

The OP is happy with her weight and fitness level, her hubby thinks she is fine, so what's the problem? She may want to get a second opinion from her doctor, but other than that, she could take her dad's comment as a back-handed compliment.

Or ignore it altogether.

Hi fitmom, I had exactly the same thing when I first lost weight. People would tell me I was too thin and "not to lose any more." Sometimes I think it's just because it's not how they're used to seeing you. If your weight is in the healthy range, and you feel good, just stick to your guns and people will learn to live with it!

Agreed! My own brother pointed this out to me a couple of months ago. He also stated that we see so many people that are overweight that that is considered the norm. That those of us that are in the normal BMI category appear to be too thin.

Like! People will get used to it. As long as you, your husband and your doctor are fine with your weight, no one should even question it. I've had my fair share of comments too. I try to turn them into compliments in my head. :hug:

I really think that that that's true. I look at myself in the mirror now and I think that I look pretty normal but I'm still 25lbs overweight. I think a big part of that is that in reality I am pretty normal when it comes to others on the street but that doesn't mean that I'm at a healthy weight yet.

That's a really hard question to ask because we can only she her arm. People all carry weight differently so while her arm does appear to be pretty thin to me I don't have any perspective on the rest of her body. I also don't know her history.

I had a friend growing up that had almost identical stats to fitmom. She had a very small frame and her family is naturally VERY thin, very active. They eat well too but also a lot! I would never have considered her too thin because of that. Now, if I were to be the same weight as fitmom, I definitely think that I would be too thin and my family would have cause to worry! That's because I have a large frame, tend to be muscular and I come from a family that's prone to weight gain. I would have to be eating barely anything at all to maintain that weight.

A lot of this comes down to knowing the person, their history, their struggles etc. I have a friend who IS prone to disordered eating and when we used to live near each other, yeah, I'd watch what she ate because I knew her history and her struggles.

Fitmom, assuming your stats listed are correct (5'6" and 116lbs), you are right at the bottom edge of the "normal" BMI range. Of course as we know BMI is a population average and is not necessarily the best measurement for any given person, but it's the only thing we really have to go on. So at 116 you are still in the "normal" range, but if you were 114 you would be in the "underweight" range.

Take that for whatever it means to you. We can't judge whether you are "too thin" or not -- that is up to you and your doctor. As for your diet, IMO if you aren't happy with it, change it. If you are happy with it, leave it the way it is. Maintenance is all about experimenting with our diets and exercise regiments to find what works for us as individuals.

Whether you are too thin or not? Honey only you can answer that. You know your body, you know your behaviors, you know YOU. So you just need to accept that others aren't always going to have the same views and opinions of us that we want them to, this is especially true with parents. This is true for me too and it really got me questioning my motives and goals. So just chalk it up to your dad being of an older generation when things were different and not being "used" to seeing you at this current weight.

Stop it! Ok that was harsh, but seriously you're going to give yourself anxiety. Trust me, I've only been at this maintenance thing a year but the more I analyze, over analyze and analyze some more the harder it becomes. When I sit back and ask myself what my body truely wants and accept that MY personal eating patterns - it's a breeze. Yes I eat carbs, **** I eat refined carbs sometimes. But generally, yes I try to make my diet as clean as possible and have a little fun on the weekends.

It's what we do MOST of the time that matters, not SOME of the time. as long as you've got good habits, carbs are fine, fat is fine, sugar is fine. You just have to know your body and how much of these things it can tolerate. Sure some people can't tolerate sugar or carbs, and some people are addicted to food, but when you just settle down and are moderate about it all - it all good. It really is I promise :)

Only you can say if you feel too thin or not. I'm your height and I got down to 116 and that felt too thin to me, I'm at 133 now and still have people tell me sometimes I need to eat a sandwich. It is all subjective.

On your diet - do what works for you. Like ncuneo said above - don't obsess about it and make yourself crazy. You are in a hard place right now, so you don't need anymore stress. :hug:

I have to wonder just how objective do you think your dh really was being put on the spot "point-blank" like he was? I mean, he saw how terribly upset you were...on the verge of tears you say. Do you really think he's going finish the job so that you would break down and sob? If my dh and I were in the same position, he would say anything to make me feel better, even if he fudged his true honest feelings...It's like telling your wife she doesn't look fat. KWIM?

Anyway, I know many people have told you that only YOU can decide if you are too thin, but I don't think that is exactly accurate. For example, anyone with anexoria or similar disorders will tell you they are too fat even if they weigh 100 pounds.

I would go see your doctor...I mean, since you started this journey at a near perfect/normal BMI to a weight that is on the verge of underweight, maybe you do need some guidance from a professional. I guess I'm like your Dad, I'm not used to seeing women my height at such low weights unless they are in some sort of treatment for something. :hug:

ETA: Please know that I'm not implying that you are anorexic or have any other eating disorder. I'm just trying to make the point that sometimes we can develop body image issues and we don't/can't see in the mirror what other people see when they look at us.

+1 to paperclippy. Your stats show you to be on the bottom edge of healthy on the BMI. Now, the BMI was never meant to assess health, it was a population metric of the 1800s but still, you are, by the numbers hovering at the general population's definition of "too thin." I would expect, at this point that you would get this type of comment, it's not that they want you to be their ideal, but that you set off their warning bells and they worry about you. The best answer you can give them is "I have talked to my doctor and he/she has declared me healthy the way I am. I have no desire to be unhealthy, just the best version of me."

I'd suggest also that you get a medical opinion. And be sure to tell your doc how much you eat and how much you exercise. Docs don't know this stuff unless you tell them.

If nothing else, you'll be able to say that your doctor thinks you're fine. Or, if your doctor thinks there's a problem, then that's good information to have.

Jay

In addition to the points already made, I'd like to chime in that the source of a comment is sometimes important to consider. Does your dad normally make thoughtful comments, or is he often overly critical? What context was it said in - did he throw it off-the-cuff or was he trying to have a serious moment of concern with you? Sometimes it's hard to be objective about family members, but... if he is often critical I'd say ignore him. If he was genuinely concerned maybe it's worth a one-time sit-down to tell him how healthily you eat, how great you feel.

FWIW; from a doctor:
Too thin = (1) your body is undergoing hormonal changes to compensate for inadequate nutrition and body fat stores (e.g., you lose your period, your thyroid starts to underperform, your morning body temperature drops by a degree or more, you are anemic, etc); (2) you cannot eat a nutritionally sound diet (one that provides you with the minimum daily required macro- and micro-nutrients- see fnic.nal.usda.gov for details) without gaining weight; (3) you feel unwell - are chronically tired, irritable, unable to concentrate, have low-level depression, etc that is NOT EXPLAINED by other medical problems. A caution: sometimes, #3 is not apparent to you unless you gain some weight, and contrast how you feel then to how you felt before.

If you ask a competent doctor whether your body weight "is right for you" (:>), she should respond by asking you a host of additional questions related to the above, and follow it up with some lab tests, per #1. Just like the related question "am I too fat," the answer to "am I too thin" BIOLOGICALLY has very little to do with what you see in the mirror, and mostly to do with what's happening to you INSIDE. The aesthetic question is a completely different one, to which the right answer changes with the winds of fashion.

My weight fluctuates by 40 pounds and my in-laws and friends never comment because they know it's all medicine related and out of my control if I'm on the heavy medicine verses the thin medicine.

But people lately have been saying not to lose any more weight. So I'm trying to eat as healthy as I can and eat as much of my lunch and dinner as I can. Just not a breakfast eater. If I feel I need a snack. I eat a snack.

Im sure your father's comment hurt on a couple levels. One, he is your parent so of course on a very primal level you want his approval, support and unconditional love. My best bet is that he loves you and is just not accustomed to the change...so out of caring he voiced concern. On a second level, Im guessing the comment was most upsetting because it hit upon some personal insecurity. Its ok to be insecure when in new territory.

I think you need to just ask yourself what you want. Do you want to be at your current weight? You are on the lower edge of a medically safe weight. Which unless a medical profession has specific concerns, is not an issue for anyone to speculate about. It sounds like you are happy with your weight. Trust that. Trust yourself.

And regarding diet. How do you *want* to eat? All of those methods work just great for different people. What do you feel is best, easiest to maintain, makes you feel the best in the short and long term? If you know, go with it! If you dont...just decide it is ok to try a variety of things and adapt. Its ok. You dont have to have all the answers. You are doing an amazing job of taking care of your body.

*hugs*

Did your father say the comments out of meanness or concern for his daughter's health?

My wife is 5' 5 1/2"and weighs 122....not much junk in her trunk...

If she weighed 116 I think I would probably think she looked too skinny.

Ummm, tough one this. I have been going through the same problem recently, and clearly at 150lbs I'm not too thin, but I have been suffering the "Stop it now" comments from a variety of people. Even DH says I shouldn't lose more. However, I think when people have seen you bigger , in my case twice the size, it's extremely hard for them to see you at a reasonable weight. They cannot extrapolate the thinner you from the fatter you, even if they have watched you lose the weight. Now if I were to see my father, who I haven't seen since I was 300lbs, I think I'd get the same reaction as you. People's perceptions are sometimes skewed.
I do think you may want to consider the numbers, as others have said you are at the low end of normal, and perhaps thats where the concern comes from with your Dad.

I think the really telling thing is how emotional this makes you feel.

I've had plenty of people tell me all kinds of rude things about my weight. It used to bother me a lot- too fat, too thin, whatever it was that day. This was a product of my warped obsession with my weight and body. The number on the scale used to make or break my day. Now, I feel like I'm past all that and people who tell me I'm too thin, I just laugh. It's not about what they say, it's about how it makes you feel. And if it makes you feel very emotional, that's coming from inside you. Is it possible that somewhere inside you actually are concerned that you may be thinner than you should be?

Asking your man is never going to get you a straight answer. What's he going to say? Yes, you are too thin? No way! Not unless he wants to sleep on the couch.

I have seen friends lose a lot of weight and there is a point where you become concerned- your anxiety over your diet is another red flag. This shouldn't be stressing you out so much. Might be a good idea to talk to somebody.

I've duly noted all the comments. Thanks to everyone. :hug:

My pastor and mom recently told me this. My DH is thrilled with my looks, and honestly, it is MY opinion about ME that is the only one that counts. Finally.

I think the questions you posted are dead on right. Ask them, journal YOUR responses in a systamatic manner, then decide. This is exactly what I have done and I am in fabulous health as recent, complete and thorough medical exams attest to. Read, read, read- Wheat Belly & anything by Gary Taubes are starting points. Kaplods is another must read on how to interpret personal data and I daily visit diethobby.com. Other health symptoms might surprisingly clear up or then maybe not.

Congratulations on the weight loss and maintenance. Few lose it, and fewer maintain it!:carrot::carrot::carrot: