We told my father he could go & we'd be fine -- it seems to be what you have to do, apparently -- but he didn't die until we'd set & then attended & returned from our appointment with the funeral home. Even then, he was angry with us for taking so long. (We weren't gone long, but he had nothing to do but lie there ... I should be clear that he wasn't in his right mind by then.) He wouldn't look at us or speak to us & accused us of going shopping for clothes at the mall. (We were, of course, in no shape to do any such thing. He must have been drawing on a lifetime of memories of mother/daughter outings.)
And then he died the next morning. God help me, I got up that morning, shoveled the driveway, went to the gym -- working off stress, my phone turned on right in front of my face on the machine, terrified that it might ring -- came back, got ready to take a shower. Had the water turned on. And heard a noise downstairs. And ran. Ran. Ran. Ran down those stairs. Because I just knew it had started & I had better be there.
He went through the confessional thing with us, too, Allison. Some of it broke my heart -- they happened so long ago & were such small things, really. What a revelation, to hear some of these things that had obviously shaped him.
Can you leave your mother alone in private with the pastor, or is that not done in your religion? My background is half Catholic, half Russian Orthodox.
My father also made my mother & me swear to some promises while standing at his bedside. Some of those were minor. And he had an awful lot to tell my mother about the upkeep of the house.
A lot of the ending for my father was his transmission of a long, fraught, heart-breakingly detailed "to do" list.
Allison. I guess there's no chance your dad can tell your mom that he'll be ok and it's all right for her to move on? I t sounds like that's what she's waiting for.
I'm kinda glad my mom died in an instant - struck by a van that severed her spinal cord. Shocking but ever so quick. My dad will probably linger forever - sorry but no sugar-coating with our relationship so I won't be crying buckets of tears when the old b*stard finally kicks.
I survived through the storm today and had one of those mind-bending amazing dog things happen right in the thick of the snow. Too long to talk about but I will never forget this day. One of my clients gets the huge silver trophy prize for all the obedience training she's done with her older dog.
And, instead of buying cookies or candy to come down from all the adrenalin/anxiety and other stuff today's adverse conditions generated, I've decided to have a long hot shower after dinner and settle in with the cats for the latest epi of "The Good Wife". I'm proud to say the "no cookies" decision took only a minute to make. I knew the resulting "sugar hangover" would be no reward.
Dagmar, I don't know about anyone else but I would love to hear about what happened with the dogs!
Bill, I think your computer troubles from a while back have infected me via the internet! My desktop at work started completely not working and I had to reinstall windows. Not what I wanted to be doing when deadlines are looming. Still trying to get it all up to speed today...
Last night I had typed out a long message and then suddenly lost it. I was too tired to retype it and this morning I can't even remember what I had said.
My Mom continues to hang on, but the edema is getting worse--you can see it in her hands really bad now. It was just in her legs and abdomen while in the hospital. My niece arrived from Japan last night at midnight and stopped in to see her, but she wasn't having one of her lucid periods. For the past two days, from about noon to 4 PM she's much more alert and talkative--as talkative as she can be I guess. During that time she can easily answer yes or no rather than just move her head. And she tries to say things but her speech is slurred and it's getting harder to understand her.
Yesterday we managed to get Dad to tell her that he was okay and she shouldn't worry about him and then later in the day he reverted to saying that he hopes she gets better--even though we've been over it many times with him that that is not the expectation. His biggest problem is that they were both convinced that he'd go first and she would be alone for another 5 years. He just isn't ready to be the survivor.
Allison, my mother's death was mercifully quick. Sudden and shocking for us but merciful for her. But that meant there were no goodbyes for my brother and me. For weeks afterward I cried and apologized to my deceased mother for everything wrong I could think of that I had done in my entire life. You will feel much better that you will be able to take care of all those undone things, if there are any. Right now you are doing everything you possibly can .
Allison. Your mother will have a peaceful end, surrounded by people she loves. I think it's wonderful that you can give her that.
The thing with the dogs was a feat of obedience. I haven't seen anything like it in 15+ years of dog walking from any other clients' dog(s).
Basically I'm now walking an older golden (Seamus is 4) with his younger housemate (Quincy is 6 months) and 2 others. I walked Seamus as a puppy but they asked me to stop when he was 2. I just resumed walking him this Monday.
Puppy Quincy has just acquired his "male parts" but is exhibiting no behaviours associated with same. There is an unneutered black lab mix named Gord who totally decked little Quincy when Quince was quite tiny. Gord came back for a rematch yesterday.
This all happened in a storm where the snow was blowing straight across the beach, parallel to the ground. The waves and wind were so loud that most of what I communicated had to be done with hand signals.
I saw Gord from a distance and he was exhibiting all sorts of dominant behaviours towards my guys. I communicated to Seamus (who himself wasn't neutered until last year) that I would handle Gord.
We all waited calmly in the park until Gord ran off down the beach to catch up with his oblivious owner. I then took my gang down and let them all off leash on the beach. The 3 young males all started playing and Stella went off to do girlie dog things.
Gord saw my guys and came pelting back, making a beeline for poor Quince, who had gone off by himself to eat some snow. I got to Quince at the same time Gord did and grabbed Gord before he nailed poor Quince again. Quincy was already submitting to Gord, sitting in front of him and lowering his head.
I dragged Gord off to the side and administered a strong correction. Then I let him go and he went right for Seamus, who had come over to help me and his buddy Quincy. Thye engaged and I again grabbed Gord, dragged him off Seamus and ordered Sea into a down/stay. Sea was very agitated/angry but he dropped into the down and started vocalizing.
By this time Gord's owner had come running back and he clipped a leash on Gord, announced "he's getting neutered tomorrow" and took off down the beach.
I turned around to see to Seamus AND HE WAS STILL IN THE DOWN/STAY. That is the single most remarkable act of obedience I have ever seen from any dog I have handled, including my own. Seamus was attacked, he was angry, his buddy was threatened, I have only been handling him for 2 days, and he totally obeyed! WOW!!!
I emailed my client last night and told her how well she had trained this dog and how impressed I was with both of them. She was quite pleased.
I am loving having such a good role model as Seamus for this group. There will be another male puppy added this summer and Seamus will function as lead dog for all of them. I look forward to this walk every day as it is my only one with all retrievers. Now they will be well-behaved retrievers. Bliss!
Dagmar, that's really interesting, and half of it is your relating not just what they did, but why, and the sense of their individuality, and also the complexity of their relationships.
Allison, still thinking of you, and your situation, and as you can tell from my posts, it's calling up so many memories for me. This is when life gets really stark & unadorned & straightforward & it's hard to put out of one's mind that this is what becomes of all of us. And yet if I wasn't able to forget that for long periods of time, I couldn't function.
But it's late and I'm tired and I've been feeling like a lightning rod at work today. I'm writing something for three analysts that's ostensibly a collaborative work, but one of the authors dislikes & is distrustful of the other two. (He came to us through our company buying his & there is an assimilation problem, to put it nicely. He's sulking because of the new processes & the different style of writing from what he's used to, and from being questioned & asked to be clearer & more rigorous, and the other two seem to need to put him in his place & show him he's in a new culture now, one in which they're very much at home.) It's my job to steer this project & arbitrate their squabbles & to get something published. I wish I didn't care that there is so much negativity underlying all their e-mails. They have zapped back & forth all day. And I have to read them, because I have to figure out what to include & what to delete in the text. Really, it's probably a lot like Dagmar's dog pack. They're three unneutered males trying to establish dominance. So you see, this is why I need to read Caesar Milan.
Saef~I hope the memories aren't bad. I've come to accept Mom passing, it's just a matter of when. She was asking our Pastor why it was taking so long. Today she wasn't as lucid, but the hospice doctor discontinued her valium so perhaps she'll have another lucid period tomorrow. If not, we'll know the time is even closer.
Just relishing the thought that when Dagmar retires as a dog trainer, she can consult in the industrial world as a Uber High paid psychologist with her slogan,
I'm still pictures Saef furiously riding her spinning bike, furiously lashing her whip over the cowed male stereotypical techie-nerd types. With her red lipstick on. (Maybe some high heels to match?). You go, girl!
Hey Saef, my company's hiring for a tech writer right now, want to move to Indianapolis? (Seriously, if you're interested PM me.)
Dagmar, I am impressed by the obedience too! Carter has been neutered since he was less than a year old but he certainly will not go into a down stay when there is a threatening dog anywhere in the area, and AFIAK he's never even encountered an un-neutered male while out with us. Which reminds me that he's well enough now for us to get back to working on obedience with him.
Allison - My grandmother was mentally ready to go for years before she actually passed last year. I think once she was in home hospice and off all of the meds except the pain medication it took somewhere between one and two weeks. I believe DH's grandfather was in hospice for about a week before he passed a few years back.
Last edited by paperclippy; 03-25-2011 at 10:48 AM.
I'm still pictures Saef furiously riding her spinning bike, furiously lashing her whip over the cowed male stereotypical techie-nerd types. With her red lipstick on. (Maybe some high heels to match?). You go, girl!
I'm going to put on some lipstick today, just to give myself some attitude, even though I'm working from home today & it doesn't match my shirt. (Recently I developed a thing for crisp cotton shirts, you know, like button-downs, except the collars don't button -- the so-called "boyfriend shirts," with a little monogram on the pocket, made by Ralph Lauren & Tommy Hilfiger. I wear them untucked, with jeans.)
This subspecies of techie-nerds is the analyst/consultant variety, commonly seen in airports and hotel bars. They tend to be bearded. (They used to wear Indiana Jones type hats, too, but I haven't seen that as much lately.) Sometimes they look like Burl Ives, sometimes like Mephistopheles. Invariably they're clothed in blue Brooks Brothers shirts that their wives don't launder but send to be dry-cleaned, lots of khakis, their alternate wardrobe being the gray suit with red tie. Everything they own is a "smart" thing or an "i" whatever. I can tell you what they look like, but often I work with them for a few years before ever seeing them. It's all done on e-mail & IMs, with maybe a phone call now & then. On this particular doc, one gentleman is in Brisbane (which he has taught me to call "BRIZ-ben," not "Briz-BANE" as in "bane of my existence), one is in Boston (though originally he's from the U.K.), and another is in Upstate NY. My whip can't reach them in these places unfortunately.
Allison - I know it must be hard for your dad, everyone expects the man in the relationship to go first. It was tough on my grandfather when my grandmother passed. I'm glad that you have come to accept it, I hope your dad finds peace with it as well.
Dagmar - that is a fantastic story about the dogs. And I love Bill's slogan.
Saef - I'm with Megan on the visual, love it. Acquiring employees often causes difficulty, doesn't it? No one really knows how to work together, and it is so much worse when the new one is defensive as this guy seems to be. Everyone has to swing their stuff around to make sure that one doesn't get an edge over another. Ick. Boys will be boys.
Jessica - how is your computer now? Make your deadline?
I'm winding back up after a week of rest following the half marathon. I've been dragging all week, finally feel a little better. I stopped the Singulair and a few other ancillary symptoms went away, that I hadn't even credited it with. I haven't had a headache in three days even with 3,939 pollen count yesterday, and I haven't had any nausea or indigestion since I stopped taking it. I still feel a little bloated, but it is passing. Planning on starting back the exercise today, I'm hoping that will help push the rest.
Shannon re "everyone has to swing their stuff around". I have a mental picture that I'm not even going to attempt to describe.
saef The psychological whip can be used long distance. And dressing up a bit sometimes works wonders with attitude, at least for me. I wear slob gear at work all week (for obvious reasons) so I get a bit "dressed up" on the weekend to go run my errands, grocery shop, etc. It reminds me that I still am female and can enjoy jewellery, perfume, heels, etc.
So the %$*& hysterical Belgian sheperd I walk today chewed through one of my front seat belts while I dropped off another dog. Payback for my throwing her into submission after she charged another dog. Last time this happened it cost me $400 to replace the belt. Since this is on the passenger side (and I'm giving up Mabel the bulldog this weekend) I'm going to do a temporary repair with duct tape. I think I'll use some of that on Miss Chloe's pointy nose too!
. I guess there's no chance your dad can tell your mom that he'll be ok and it's all right for her to move on? I t sounds like that's what she's waiting for.
My desktop at work started completely not working and I had to reinstall windows. 
Not what I wanted to be doing when deadlines are looming. Still trying to get it all up to speed today...
