Oh Dagmar. Wow. This reminds me so much of my dad though he never showed up in person. It was just constant calls asking/demanding/pleading for money, favors, chores, more money, you name it.
It sounds like you have a very good plan in place. Now you need to stick to your guns!! I'm guessing you don't have any siblings nearby (or at all?) to help diffuse the situation? I was an only child so it was all on me. I feel your pain and frustration. Take care of yourself most importantly.
Oh Dagmar. Wow. This reminds me so much of my dad though he never showed up in person. It was just constant calls asking/demanding/pleading for money, favors, chores, more money, you name it.
It sounds like you have a very good plan in place. Now you need to stick to your guns!! I'm guessing you don't have any siblings nearby (or at all?) to help diffuse the situation? I was an only child so it was all on me. I feel your pain and frustration. Take care of yourself most importantly.
I'm the only child and my dad's only blood relative in North America, so yes it's all on me too. DH has offered to help but only if my dad is not there. My dad has offended DH by maligning the Irish, Scots, the poor, white trash, trailer park people, etc. etc. all of which are in DH's background.
My dad is an equal opportunity bigot - he hates everyone except the "white middle class male". The funny thing is that he himself comes from a very impoverished background (he got his first decent pair of shoes when drafted in to the German army at 17) which involved his alcoholic father leaving his mother, who then had a nervous breakdown. My dad spent his childhood being passed around from relative to relative. He got the equivalent of only a senior public school education.
And yet he regards himself as some sort of "royalty". I suspect there is some mental illness involved but it's hard to feel sorry for someone who constantly screams at you.
I delivered my "rules" to his house today. I'm curious to see if he responds or if he even bothers to read them. I have many, many copies and will keep handing them to him for as long as it takes.
I will stay calm and assertive (Cesar Milan would be proud )
I will stay calm and assertive (Cesar Milan would be proud )
Is Cesar Milan's code of conduct for humans handling dogs transferable to humans handling other humans?
I'm sincere in asking this; I'm not at all being sarcastic. Because I remember when my own father was hysterically tearful & angry & I tried to talk to him & nearly pat him like a horse. And it actually worked. (My father's behavior was understandable, as he was dying slowly & painfully of stomach cancer, with an undimmed mind, completely conscious that his light was being extinguished & there would be no happy ending for him.)
That would make me read Milan's books, if he has any. All I know of him is a fabulous New Yorker profile piece that I read several years ago. (I think it was in the New Yorker.)
Also I'm raising my hand here as another only child. The whole parental care thing ... don't get me started.
saef- Cesar Milan has written a number of books and I am sure others can suggest the best. In a nutshell I think that the most transferable of his "rules" is to give clear, non-confusing signals. Though we are not "pack animals" like dogs, we often operate in confusing subtext rather than from a position of sincerity and clarity. Worth checking out I think.
I have used Cesar's techniques on my dad with some success. The fights and verbal abuse used to be a lot worse. And I have much better timing now and know when to exit the situation, rather than escalating it.
IMHO we are pack animals. We have a social hierarchy (pecking order), pack positions (both at work and within our family/friends), and we are (generally) social and outgoing and seek to interact not only with our species but with others. We are also very efficient at pack hunting (war), killing (much more so that domesticated dogs), and driving those out that no longer can keep up. Etc. etc.
I felt some pangs of anxiety after delivering my "rules" and briefly thought about going to the store on my way home for junk food. Got grapes instead. If I'm going to anxiety binge it'll at least be on more nutritious food.
Reporting in from day one in SLC. Here are the updates: Mom had a setback after her PT session this morning and could not catch her breath. They ended up sending her down to the ER where she spent most of the day. The thought was a possible pulmonary embolism which I immediately thought was the case but her scan came back negative. However, they've decided her heart is only doing 10% of what it should be. My brother (who has medical power of attorney) agreed that she should be placed on a DNR Which makes total sense because any kind of CPR would break her in two. I doubt she weighs 90 pounds. She's back in ICU but mentally is 100% there and in pretty good spirits.
And my dad continues to get worse. He's now lost 47 pounds and weighs only 127 (or is it 123). In any case, it's good he has suspenders. But he continues to suffer diarrhea within 30 minutes of eating. And he hardly eats at all.
I'm grateful that my brother has decided not to go to Vegas for his daughter's soccer tournament. My SIL still has to go (driver, chaperone) but at least I'm not here alone with my parents.
Ok, so they've both resigned to the idea of assisted living but Dad doesn't want to do anything about it until Mom is home. I rather doubt she'll get to come home but they might allow her to go home if home is assisted living. Now the thing is we need to convince Dad that he needs to have his phone in the bedroom (in case he falls at night). He does have a phone in there, but it's so old it has lost the function of calling out. They have two others that they could easily swap out OR he could just take the handset in for the night but he thinks the handset should stay on the charger each night so they'll function during the day. He says he can yell if he falls (which will only work while I"m here--otherwise No One will hear him). This is the weird stubbornness that I have to work with.
Oh, and some time during the day today I managed to split the seat of my favorite Michael Kors jeans. My brother informed me of the hole in the bum. Thank goodness I had on a shirt that I could pull long! And it's raining, turning to snow during the night. I left 80 degree weather for this?
We are in the middle of family drama with my uncle (83). As another uncle said to me this week, "Sometimes you just have to take the tiller." The boat has to be heading in a safe direction and, if the person doesn't have the strength to steer, you have to step in. The tricky bit is the changeover between helping to steer and steering on their behalf.
Change the phones over. Draw up a shortlist of assisted living places with your father to "do some of the legwork before Mom gets home". Then you are a little way down that road. Very good luck.
It sounds like quite a few of us are facing "the end game" with our parents. I think this situation is always tough. One has to strive for a balance between making sure they are safe and letting them retain some independence and dignity. I would guess ( no personal experience) it helps if you've had some sort of fairly decent relationship with them during life.
DH and I are starting to seriously talk about retirement. We have no kids and no support network and we are going to be fairly poor. So we are going to make full use of every service the goverment/social agencies offer us. We are also going to be those annoying old people in the store on "senior's day" who argue with the clerks about our discount coupons (at least DH is while I'm going to be giggling in a corner ).
I have recovered nicely from my binge out and didn't continue it last night. Did get the phone call from my dad - no mention of the new "rules" - and he wanted something changed in his letter. He left a message - I don't ever pick up the phone when he calls - and there was no please or thank you.
Nuts! Zappos will no longer be shipping to Canada after this month. My shoe bill will go down drastically. I've been buying online for as long as Zappos Canada has been up and running. Darn it - no more fashionable feet. There is little selection of anything available in Canada in the way of brand name footwear.
Allison-- I have been where you are and it is a hard place. I'm glad you've got your brother to help. I had my dh but no siblings. I agree-- things like the phone you just do. Don't argue-- don't give choices-- just do. I hope they will be well enough to go to assisted living. While my dad didn't originally want to go to assisted living, down the road when he worsened, he was in and out of hospitals and rehab facilities. During those times he couldn't wait to go back to assisted living because it had become his home. Many thoughts and prayers are with you and your entire family during this trying time.
I'm on day 4 out of 5 of my bookfair. Must. Stay. Strong. I was so physically and mentally exhausted yesterday that I crawled into bed by 8 pm (I'm never in bed before 11) and went to sleep-- no gym.... doubt I'll make the gym tonight either as it is our late night. We're open all day and then at night too with Clifford, carnival stuff (the theme is carnival so we're having balloon animals, face painting). We close at 8 pm but we can never get everyone out and then I still have to count the money, etc. I'm on the verge of tears.... sigh....
At least dh comes back tonight-- but really tomorrow as his flight is due in at 1 am so the earliest he'll be home is after 2 and that's if the flight isn't delayed. He is so stubborn that he says he's still going to work tomorrow...
Allison - I'm glad that your brother is there with you and that you aren't alone in this situation with your parents. I can only imagine how hard it must be finding yourself having to make these decisions for your parents. We had to move DH's aunt out of a her house a few years ago and that was hard, it will only be worse when it is one of our parents. Stay strong, and take care of yourself ad your family.
Dagmar - I hope your situation with your dad improves as well. On the retirement question, I worry about that as well. For Dh & I, for my MIL, for my parents. I don't know that any of us will actually be ready. On Zappo's - is Zappo's Canada going away because they were bought by Amazon.com I wonder?
Michele - wow, your book fair sounds a lot more involved than the ones I remember, or the one I just went to last week. I bet you are worn out!
Saef - I was also wondering what line of work you are in. I know you work from home often, do you travel a lot?
I am tired tired tired today. We had DSS last night and he got up 7 times between 1:12 and 2:30 am, DH put him back down, then two more times from 3-3:30. I let DH stay asleep for the last two. Finally told DSS that if he got up one more time he was going to be in serious trouble. I think he just wanted the attention from his dad, and i'm thinking it is time to stop jumping up and tucking him back in every time he gets up. He is 6, old enough to go back to bed on his own when he gets up. So after going to bed at 11 I was then up from 1:10 until a little after 4, my alarm went off at 5:15. Argh.
And, I still feel bloated and icky. I'm pushing water, have eaten better and nothing has helped. I've been googling the Singulair connection - there is no official link to it, but a lot of anecdotal evidence supporting bloating and belly fat increases with it. My mom is a nurse and she has several patients who swear that nothing in their lives changed but the Singulair and now their waists are inches bigger than they were. Hm. I'm going to push more water and get back to eating my oatmeal for breakfast - I'm also back to being constipated this week, so that can't help with the bloated feel. Michele - did that resolve for you yet?
Is it still morning? Barely, I think. My parents left this morning. They're stopping to see another one of my mom's sister on their way home. They stopped to see my Mom's dad and her other sister on the way down. It's always rather sad to hear about, and makes me think about what my own genes might have in store for me (and then I go to the gym or for a walk and eat some fruit to fight it...). My grandfather, 87, is going senile. My aunt who lives and cares for him is obese, in her 50's and has a lot of health problems, some related to that obesity, and she's also a hoarder. My mom has 7 siblings and one has passed, many are or were smokers, drinkers, mental problems... pass me a carrot please.
I wonder about my own parents. They're in ok shape now in their 50's, but both carry extra weight, and my dad has been on meds for high bp & cholesterol for about a decade now, and has a bad family history. My mom worries about him all the time but he won't change his diet - drinks wine, eats cheese and crackers every afternoon, and they eat large portions of everything including desserts and ice cream on a very regular basis. We're all worried he's going to have a heart attack. Hopefully it won't happen but...
Dagmar, your dad sounds very difficult to deal with and your response is much more like an adult that he's acting. Be strong! Good job not letting the stress get to you.
Michele, enjoy DH being home.
Shannon, hearing about your DSS getting up so often, I'm laughing at saef asking if conduct for handling dogs is transferable to humans, and thinking about how Dagmar coached me last week to show Emma's who's boss and not let her get me up at 5 AM (Dagmar you'd be so proud - if she starts stirring and ignoring doesn't work, I firmly tell Emma to lay down, she does, with no carpet accidents). Because it sounds like you need exactly the same thing in your house! Though a stern "lay down" doesn't exactly transfer, needs to be changed to "go back to bed, it's not time to get up". Sorry you're so tired though.
My parents visit was really nice and I miss them already. By the end of it Pal could even tolerate Emma, b/c she'd learned not to get too close to him and basically ignored him (I was shocked a pleased she could learn to leave another dog alone)! We even managed to walk them together this morning. I'm totally relaxed and I enjoyed having a mini-vacation at home, too. My parents wanted to sit around and read, go for lots of walks, so I even found time to do my taxes, a big weight off my shoulders! Now back to work for 1.5 days til the weekend and back to focusing on rehearsals and directing the play.
Megan - Funny that you say that, because I was actually thinking about Emma last night when I put DSS down the time he finally stayed down. When he first came in I didn't say anything, just pointed at his bedroom door. When he started to fuss I held up my hand and said 'No, stop talking. It is too early to get up, stay in bed until time for school or you will get in big trouble' and left with no further conversation. It felt exactly like what you were having to do with Emma.
Day two in progress. It turns out Mom has a blood infection so they're taking her for a CT scan to see if they can see where it originates from and will install a central line for better antibiotic administration. That will also help with her dopamine administration.
Just had to yell at my Dad for completely ignoring me and starting down the stairs to the basement. He got halfway down before he finally listened to me and dragged himself back up. Said he needed some exercise (yet he JUST had PT 20 minutes ago). He wanted something that I easily found for him--and I don't know how he'd ever manage to drag himself back up the stairs carrying the items and not spilling their contents. Lord, give me strength.
)
I'm going to be giggling in a corner 
no more Zappos
