I'm not sure what's been going on with me lately...my binging has been, well out of control Friday and Saturday evenings and most all of Sunday. It's certainly nothing like it used to be, but binging none the less. Thankfully my weight has not paid the price as of yet, but I fear it's only a matter of time. I really can't figure out what's going on, and rather than over analyze I think I'll just re-adopt some of the rules that worked to curb my binging before while I was losing.
Part of me wants to say, well my weight hasn't suffered yet so maybe this is just part my maintenance plan, but emotionally I can't handle the guilt that comes post binge. And depending on what the binge drug of choice was, my running performance suffers. Anyway, I just wanted to through this out there for any other maintaining bingers and maybe we can recommit together to take control of this dark disorder. I officially claim tonight was my last binge...for this point on everything will be consciously consumed and when the urge strikes I will refrain, distract and calmly release the urge to stuff the stress and boredom away...eating unnecessary food never solved anything. And although I binged tonight, I will not punish myself tomorrow.
I still at the hospital whith my little baby , but when i go back home ( hope tomorrow ) i will reccomite whit you.
I will think of you each time i want to binge .. . Let see what happen.
ncuneo, while I was never officially diagnosed with a binge disorder, I definitely have binge episodes. I've found that since I've lost weight and maintained, that my binge episodes are very different than before. My binge foods can be either healthy food, like homemade bread, or go for the complete junk, like chips, ice cream, chocolate candy, baked goods, etc. If it makes it's way into my house, I'm going to eat it. And let's be clear about this--I don't buy it! This is all food that DH or well-meaning "friends and extended-family" bring to us. I was primarily raised by my depression era grandmother who really made an impression in me that we DO NOT WASTE FOOD! Therefore, I become a human garbage can, which is so not what I want. The negative voices, blaming, recriminations and self-punishment must stop!
But this is the change, I don't eat as much and it doesn't happen as often. Instead of 5-6 days a week, I'm at a 2-3 days a month. I'd like to eliminate the binges completely but I think that that might make me binge more. I am really with both of you, but I'm going to work on continuous improvement (however incremental), rather than cold turkey.
Wow, you guys sound so much like me. I never binged until I started maintaining 18 mo. ago. I binged badly 2 times a week & my excuse was that my weight was going to drop too low, I was at the lowest weight for my height. If I binged I could prevent more weight loss. All it did was cause me to gain 5 lbs of water, feel sick & sluggish. For the past month I've learned that if I just eat healthy food til i'm full, not stuffed, I feel much better. My weight did go up in October from binging, cause I wasn't being careful ( I love anything sweet & peanut butter). I've been binge free since X-mas, now it's more of an over eating problem, i eat more calories than I should. I do it every couple days. I also love to run & exercise, I can't right now cause of the winter weather, so I'm exercising in the house everyday, if i eat too much I can't perform properly either. So either it's got to stop completely or maybe just give myself 1 free day to eat what i want. Maintaining is way too hard for me, so I've decided to go into diet mode, that just works better for me. I think it's easier to diet than to maintain!
For me it's all about trying to face that maintenance is for life. That can be a hard thing. I feel that restriction a lot sometimes.
My binge eating is either emotional or because I'm exhausted. I'm never really hungry when I overeat.
And it tends to be toward the weekend or on the weekend. I'm aided and abetted by DH in that he's always saying "it's the weekend, party time!" I still sometimes have that mentality too. "The rest of the world gets to party so why can't I?"
And the food has changed. Now it's salty carbs, rather than ice cream and cookies.
I've found that thinking in absolutes - no more bingeing ever - just sets me up to fail. I try to eat the "forbidden foods" (chips and beer) no more than once a week.
I am maintaining my weight about 5 lbs. over my goal weight. Two years now. I think if I could overcome this eating problem I'd easily make it to goal.
But is that important enough to give up the emotional release the eating gives me (even though it's fleeting and temporary)?
For now the answer is no. It's the only support (other than 3FC and you can only whine about something so many times before people get tired of it) I have so I use it.
I'm not "officially" maintaining but I just wanted to chime in and say that like fruitlady, I was never a binger before I reached my all-time low weight/was consciously dieting. I have been thinking recently about taking a break from 3FC or at least posting less and not reading all the threads, because I just find myself thinking 24/7 about food and eating.
I am trying out an experiment, cutting out all dessert type foods for one week. My binges have all been sugar binges - eating whole boxes of chocolate, packages of cookies, etc. I hope that it may be as simple as breaking a sugar addiction, though I do suspect that there is a bigger problem lurking beneath the surface.
While I wouldn't wish this problem on my worst enemies, I am grateful that there is support to be had here at 3FC and that it's not just me...
I've been debating whether my posting in this thread would be helpful, or not, because I am in recovery from binge eating disorder. By this, I mean that I haven't binged for several years now, at least not in the way that I used to. Years ago, there were three different types of binges that I engaged in, which I don't do now:
- I would deliberately drive to a store, buy things, sit back & methodically eat them, one by one, and as fast as possible, until I felt ill & bloated. This was done with great secrecy, and shame, as I feared people running the cash registers could intuit my plans.
- I would ransack the kitchen until I found something that I could eat, again as fast as I could & as much as I possible. Again, this was a very private behavior, and happened when I was alone, or was hidden if there was one other potential witness in another room.
- At a buffet or party with food laid out, I would slip into a noticeably different gear & start loading my plate with many, many different things, and eat them all, a little too quickly & a little too intently, again until I felt pretty ill. This is the only kind of binge that happened in public, at a meal time, & was the most rare.
Okay, so I don't do that anymore. But, I have vestigial, telltale bingeing behaviors that hint at my compulsive tendencies: I can chew sugarfree gum all day, one stick after another, or drink coffee, doused with Splenda, one cup after another. (I switch to decaf, as too much caffeine makes me feel somewhat hysterical.) Some days I give into those behaviors, but more often, I fight them,with the tools I've learned from therapy & working on my disorder over the years. The vestigial binge tendencies may be socially acceptable, but they are still compulsive & unhealthy & are a sign that I'm not well.
Here is what I know about myself, after years -- YEARS -- of working on these behaviors:
- They are emotionally & psychologically rooted. If I am uneasy, agitated, if I'm not taking time to breathe & get a little perspective, if I am very much stuck inside my own head, if I feel conflicted, if I feel overwhelmed, unequal to demands from others or demands that I place on myself, then I seem to want to put things in my mouth & work my jaws. When I'm eating, I go into a place that is not-thinking, not-feeling, simply consuming, flooded with sweetness or whatever it is that I'm tasting, and this oblivion has the addictive appeal of a drug. BUT ... it is only partly the food that is the cause. The real cause is my state of mind, and my dropping into a coping mechanism that is not all that helpful. It means I'm not recognizing my emotional state, and it means I am not DOING THE WORK of identifying & using another coping mechanism.
- They are the result of restriction. For every action, there is a reaction. Part of me is a very stern authority figure, who always demands a great deal of myself, including perfect adherence to an exercise schedule & eating plan, and limiting or keeping off-limits certain foods. The stronger the iron fist of this authority figure, the more another part of me feels over-restricted & exhausted, that it cannot possibly live up to these demands, that it can't even try, and that its only solace is (yes, you guessed it) food, or whatever it is the authority figure says I can't have. That part of me will eventually engage in a little jailbreak, rebelling against the authority, and therefore choosing the very thing that has been forbidden to me.
- They occur when my weight is extremely low. And this is the part that is not too popular with people, when I tell them this, but part of my not bingeing the way I used to is accepting a higher everyday weight. In other words, not striving for the best, the most excellent version of me that could possibly be achieved. It's a psychological strategy, as this removes the pressure on me to sustain the achievement of the very low weight. (I do wonder if there is also a physical component, in that it's a restricted, semi-starved state & one's body wants to eat enough to put one back at a certain point, but until that's thoroughly proved, I can only speak for the psychological element.) I binged because I got really, really uneasy at having to STAY AT my low weight, once I'd made it. I doubted my ability to do it, I felt this was a trophy that was very precariously won, and all the self-doubt & fear of failure caused me to be agitated & uneasy & etc. (See description of feelings that can trigger bingeing or binge-like behavior in me, above.)
I worked for three years with a therapist who took a behavioral approach, which stopped the worst of the bingeing. I also let my weight go back up. (It got out of control for several years there, actually.) I continue to work weekly with a therapist, but we talk less about bingeing (as I don't really do that anymore) than about other aspects of my life, which has indirectly helped the behaviors.
Sorry for the novel, but I thought there may be something in here that may be helpful for SOMEBODY on this thread, even if we are very different in other ways.
I should say clearly what I think my post already suggests: I am certainly not a professional with any background in treating eating disorders, I am just a fellow sufferer who is much, much better than she was, years ago, and am writing out of my own experience. Your mileage may vary.
Yikes, Ncuneo. I just hopped on here, and I was thinking about posting, almost word for word, what you wrote.
I have a horrible history with binge eating, but mine has been under control since I started my weight loss journey. I stalled out about 15 lbs above my goal, but I was still staying on track, although gradually shifting my mindset to more of a maintenance mode. I realized that I was happy enough at this weight and I just didn't have the energy to keep on a super strict plan and watch the scale not budge.
Last week, I had this incredibly important meeting where I knew that everyone was going to be checking me out to see how I looked. It was stressful in a good way-- I thought I looked good and made a good impression. But ever since, then I've been getting a little less under control every day.
So far, I haven't done anything that I would consider a classic binge (eating an entire package of double stuf Oreos) but I've been getting very out of control with some healthy equivalents-- raisins, dried figs, nuts, extra servings of bread with almond butter.... My weight has not changed-- yet.
Part of me is thinking "this is a good thing...loosen up a bit, actively maintain for a month or two, and then buckle down and try to shed the last 25 to 30." Part of me is thinking "OH MY GOD YOU ARE HEADING BACK TOWARD ALL THE HABITS THAT GOT YOU TO 300 POUNDS."
One thing I have to admit to myself is that someone who binged for 30 years is not going to get over it one hundred per cent from one day to the next and never struggle again. It's just not realistic.
My biggest insight when I was losing was that bingeing, all along, was a CHOICE, not a compulsion, and I can recognize that it's true now too. I'm not doing it because I want to gain weight. I'm doing it because I think I can get away with it, and it scares me.
And saef -- thank you so much for sharing your experience. I found the lessons that you shared as someone who has recovering from this behavior really, really helpful. I was wondering if you could elaborate a little bit more on your second point -- on how you used to binge as a reaction to the "stern authority figure" inside you. I had a lightbulb moment when I read that. When I binge, I feel this sense of pure, blissful freedom from all of the planning that I require of myself. But, I know from experience that planning is essential in order for me to maintain this weight. And 95% of the time, that rigorous planning is absolutely worth it Years ago, I weighed much more than my signature shows, and I was miserable. So, my goal right now is to figure out how to achieve balance.
I have been thinking recently about taking a break from 3FC or at least posting less and not reading all the threads, because I just find myself thinking 24/7 about food and eating.
Yes!! I have found that 3FC is a double-edged sword for me. On one hand there's support, excellent advice, understanding, empathy - on the other hand it sort of feeds my obsession and I find I think about food a lot more. Part of this might just be seeing what everyone else is eating.
A good example of this happened during the snow/ice storm the second week of January. We Southerners were iced in our homes (that's what happens when a metropolitan area of 4 million only has 10 snow plows!) and I spent the week on my couch, alternately checking/writing on 3FC and bargaining with myself as to the next time I could eat. It was a rough 5 days.
Quote:
Originally Posted by saef
I've been debating whether my posting in this thread would be helpful, or not, because I am in recovery from binge eating disorder.
VERY helpful and enlightening for me, Saef. Thank you for sharing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by saef
I worked for three years with a therapist who took a behavioral approach, which stopped the worst of the bingeing. I also let my weight go back up. (It got out of control for several years there, actually.) I continue to work weekly with a therapist, but we talk less about bingeing (as I don't really do that anymore) than about other aspects of my life, which has indirectly helped the behaviors.
If I remember correctly, you have stated on other threads that you don't count calories. Would you say that your therapy has enabled you to you eat intuitively? I don't want to put words in your mouth - I don't know if that's how you describe how you maintain your weight. But I'm interested to know if therapy has provided you with strategies and techniques to, for lack of a better term, be at peace with food and your body. I would really love that for myself, honestly. Most of the time I feel really good with how I'm handling this weight loss journey, and with calorie counting, but there are days when I feel obsessive and restricted and like I'm balanced on the edge of a very fine blade. I would really, for once in my life, like to have a "normal" relationship with food. Not that I know what that looks like!
Quote:
Originally Posted by ubergirl
One thing I have to admit to myself is that someone who binged for 30 years is not going to get over it one hundred per cent from one day to the next and never struggle again. It's just not realistic.
I echo this and am thankful that someone gave me this advice a long time ago, and that I took it to heart. The idea of "Progress, not perfection," has helped on more than one occasion as I've attempted to make lifelong, positive changes for my health. Now, if only I could apply the same to my amazing procrastination skills . . .
I think it takes a lot of focus and self-control for all of us to deal with whatever our particular relationship is with food.
Not to in any way trivialize what is a real struggle for all of us but sometimes I see my bingeing as a form of "blowing off steam". Kinda the Sat. night "party" as a reward for all the dieting/maintaining control I sustain all week.
For me it works to offset a pressure that could otherwise lead to much worse behaviours.
I think it takes a lot of focus and self-control for all of us to deal with whatever our particular relationship is with food.
Not to in any way trivialize what is a real struggle for all of us but sometimes I see my bingeing as a form of "blowing off steam". Kinda the Sat. night "party" as a reward for all the dieting/maintaining control I sustain all week.
For me it works to offset a pressure that could otherwise lead to much worse behaviours.
Just my own scenario.
Dagmar
I agree with you, Dagmar - that's what it is for me. Although, sometimes when I do things like eat 10 strips of twizzlers (what? why? I don't even like them!), I feel like something more sinister is lurking in the behavior. Sometimes I wish I WOULD gain weight from those mini/almost binges - "getting away with it" scale-wise does nothing to stop me from hurting myself emotionally.
When I'm eating, I go into a place that is not-thinking, not-feeling, simply consuming, flooded with sweetness or whatever it is that I'm tasting, and this oblivion has the addictive appeal of a drug.
This struck a chord with me. My prior binge-like behaviors usually originated with some combination of anxiety and boredom. But lately I've started to do it again, and this time the cause is likely the major changes I'm about to face, including finishing grad school, moving far far away and starting a new and demanding job. I just realized that the binging is purely an avoidance mechanism now. I can escape to a place of no thoughts or feelings, where I briefly forget how scared and nervous I am. I wish I knew how to cope with the fear.
saef- I already posted here, but I had to tell you that everything( & I mean every bit)you said in your post, is the same for me. I think we are very alike, your post really helped me to see the light!
I was wondering if you could elaborate a little bit more on your second point -- on how you used to binge as a reaction to the "stern authority figure" inside you. I had a lightbulb moment when I read that. When I binge, I feel this sense of pure, blissful freedom from all of the planning that I require of myself. But, I know from experience that planning is essential in order for me to maintain this weight. And 95% of the time, that rigorous planning is absolutely worth it Years ago, I weighed much more than my signature shows, and I was miserable. So, my goal right now is to figure out how to achieve balance.
Though I do not binge anymore, I know I am not completely well & am still in recovery because my relationship with food & eating is still fraught. I am still overly restrictive.
There are all kinds of foods that I won't eat at all anymore, under any circumstances. Not even a bite, a lick or a taste (as Rockin' Robin used to say). For instance, I did not eat anything related to the holiday at Christmas. I mean, nothing. Nothing at all. No pie, no cake, no chocolate, no eggnog, not a crumb of a cookie. Some think that's admirable. In my heart, I have enough sanity to see that's somehow, well, excessive. I did not starve during the holidays. I ate three meals a day, and snacks. I ate healthily. I ate standing rib roast, pork loin stuffed with apples & apricots, leg of lamb. Lots of veggies. Surely I could have cut back on portions a bit & had just a cookie, just once? But am unable to allow myself to do this.
I have lost some joy & spontaneity.
And you know what? The bingeing behavior is tricky & shape-shifting. It morphed. During the holiday season, I bought too many clothes on eBay. I was scrolling compulsively through auction listings, instead of eating. Several weeks passed before I was able to come up for air & see what I was doing.
So I tell you, it's not solely about the food.
It's about my mind, about control & about anxiety.
I do not yet have the balance that you describe.
I am trying. Very hard. I do engage in a lot of self-examination. That I am able to recognize this behavior in myself, and describe it here, and have that kind of perspective on myself, instead of being in denial or, even worse, oblivious to the rigidness of my stance & occasions when it breaks down -- that is something good, and places me further along in the spectrum from health & wellness to illness.
And every time I agree to go out to dinner, or get take-out, or to dine at a friend's place, that is a victory, in which I watch myself, and see the anxiety rise -- BUT I MAKE MYSELF DO IT ANYWAY -- and then, when I find it isn't disastrous, and I'm not much heavier the next day or a few days later, I find I've enlarged my life & I have come much closer to normal eating behaviors. I am able to do this now routinely, with only a momentary hesitation.
It's helpful to freak out on the boards here publicly. In the act of writing about my extreme anxiety over new situations, I see how relatively small the problem is, and how my rigidness has crept back in, and when I can see myself from the outside with better perspective, I regain some sanity. I'm able to back off on being authority figure a little, and to remember my mantra, which is: To ask less of myself.
I see so many people come to the boards seeking willpower, or chiding themselves for a failure in willpower. I'm not always sure that is the problem, because of my own experience. My problem is definitely NOT lack of willpower. It is inflexibility & disregarding my own limits.
I attribute the end of my bingeing as I've described in my earlier post to being easier on myself & asking less of myself. The remaining vestigial behaviors, or the morphing of the behavior, occurs when I forget about that.
But I do NOT have this all figured out, or I would not have moved from bingeing to another extreme, which is general restrictiveness with episodes of attempts at "normality" during which I still feel vigilant & still feel some anxiety.
With me, anyway, the former bingeing is part of something bigger & is just one expression of anxiety & control issues.
Last edited by saef; 01-31-2011 at 08:47 AM.
Reason: Typos
Maintaining Bingers
