Wednesday, February 23:

45 minute spin class
45 minute Pilates routine on my own

I have a scheduling challenge tomorrow. Life is sending me another test of whether I can relax my rigidness & behave like a more rational, flexible human being. I've got to go into Connecticut -- I have an important meeting at 9 AM, on a product that I'm in charge of, and that they're thinking of retiring -- and also I've got a 6:15 PM doctor appointment, which will make it hard to get to the gym for Pilates at 7 PM. Then if I really want to do my usual amount of cardio afterward, I won't get out of the gym till 9 PM or later. Which means dinner at when?? And bed immediately after. That's if I insist on adhering to my routine.

The thing is, I really like my Pilates class.

Fretting over clearing this series of hurdles tomorrow is ruining my enjoyment of life this evening & making me gloomy. Oh, yeah, and that product meeting could mean major changes on the job for me. Honestly, though, I'm fixated more on whether I'll get cheated out of a Pilates class.

No, I can't miss Pilates & just do cardio or barely make Pilates & skip cardio. That wouldn't be my EXACT SCHEDULE.

No, I can't take a rest day, like a normal person. I can never be allowed to take a rest day like a normal person. That would mean a FAILURE TO KEEP TO MY EXERCISE SCHEDULE. And I am not a normal person. I have to work twice as hard as a normal person, just to look like a normal person & to fool the world into believing I am a normal person.

(I'm trying to make fun of myself because that sometimes calms the anxious state I work myself into. Over nothing. Over what other people just shrug at.)

Part of me is trying mightily to avoid self-reproach. Self-reproach happens when I look in the mirror & am not happy with some slackness or dimpling or pooch. And the mean little voice in my head says: "Yes, and it's never going away unless you work at it. But if you miss Pilates class, you're not working at it. If you really want it, you'll do anything for it. Guess you aren't willing to put in the work, slacker."

Part of me understands this is yet another instance of Magical Thinking: "If I exercise every single day of my life, and eat mindfully, the Evil Gods of Fatness will remain howling outside my locked & barred door & will stay away for another day. I will be permitted another happy day of impersonating a normal-weight person. I will stay Cinderella, instead of waking up the next morning swollen up like a great big pumpkin."

Oh Saef. I feel your frustration. Not that it will likely help you, but you should know that your body needs a rest sometimes. Truly. I don't think any doctor would suggest you exercise 7 days a week with no days off. I was frustrated tonight myself because dinner was going to be late and I REALLY wanted to get to my class. I HATE running but I'll usually run if I can't get to a class. I ran yesterday and I REALLY didn't want to run today. I ended up making it to my class but I was recognizing my rigidity as not a good thing! I hope you give yourself a break.

Feb. 23: 65 minutes UJAM class (hip hop class)

Totals:
16 days
881 minutes

Feb 22:
two 5-min walks with the dog

Feb 23:
10-15 mins on bike trainer, easy
two 5-min walks with the dog

Feb 24:
two 6-min walks with the dog
10 mins on bike trainer

Thanks for understanding, Michele. See, sometimes it really is not lack of willpower. That is not exactly our problem at these moments, is it?

Rationally, I know that a rest day is okay, but the Magical Thinking gets in the way.

As does my great fear that missing one day is the beginning of not caring enough & missing more days. All while in a hypnotized state so that I don't notice or am in denial that the balloon of fat is slowly re-inflating.

An unbroken string of exercise days will **save me**. Yeah, it's insane.

Thursday, Feb. 24:

60 minutes arc trainer, hill intervals, resistance at 9

Got to the gym 15 minutes past the hour, with the Pilates class already well along & the door shut. I joked with the girl at the desk about feeling guilty. Lots of people on the cardio machines, but a woman was just vacating one of the arc trainers.

On the machine right next to it was the single guy who lives next door to me at my apartment building. He is built like a football player. One of his upper arms is probably as big around as a 16-year-old model's waist. He is also very nice. Was probably ginger-haired but has gone gray. And has a friendly ruddy face. We didn't talk. I had chatted with him for a while the other night at the gym & felt if I got really chatty again, so soon afterward, it would look like a calculated pursuit. And I just wanted the machine next to him, & to get my workout in. Anyway, he ended his session soon after I started mine.

If my weight is about the same tomorrow, even without Pilates class, I'll maybe have learned from this.

I had completely forgotten my mantra: When I am completely freaked out, the solution is usually: Ask less of myself.

Feb. 24: 42 minutes running on treadmill. Bummed that I missed my hip hop class but also trying to be flexible.

Totals:
17 days
923 minutes

Saef

Have you told yourself that not having a Rest Day is damaging your body? You could feel and look more gorgeous if you took off the pressure for just one day. Call it Active Rest and go for a walk to look at the birds.

(Upper Case for Important Things. That wretched magical thinking is getting above itself.)

Birchie, I'm trying to identify magical thinking when it happens so that it has less power over me. When I'm at my worst, I don't even recognize that my rationale for doing what I do is irrational & rigid, or that it is powered by anxiety & a desire to secure all systems in the face of attack. When I get a little perspective & can figure out at what point I am diverging from being moderate & sensible, it sometimes helps. So does posting it here. And posting here makes me laugh at myself. When I do that, I'm able to moderate.

On the Rest Day thing, my head is full of the words of competing authorities. "You can do cardio every day." "It's okay to do some yoga and Pilates every day." "Getting in some form of exercise every day is a common strategy of those who've lost a great deal of weight & kept it off."

I'm okay with doing it every day.

My problem is that I have to stop feeling badly & feeling guilt when it doesn't happen. Also, I need to be more flexible. To really believe it's okay to not take a class. About a year ago, I wasn't so fixated on making classes. But then I took a few & liked them. They went from optional & nice-to-have to mandatory. As though I'm working on a degree program from them; as though they're classes in a course of study. I really need to ease up on that attitude.

Anyway ....

Friday, Feb. 25:

15:05 rowing on the Concept 2 for 3,068 meters at 2:19 for 500 meters and 41 s/m, for a projected total of 6,280 meters
60 minutes weights
45 minutes elliptical, resistance at 8, alternating going backward

Fri Feb 25:
6:30 upright stationary bike level 5 (1.5 miles)
3 sets bench presses @30#, 12 rep, 12 rep, 8 rep, alternating with
3x10 leg lower/raise, 3x20 crunches/bicycles
3x10s hang wide grip pullup bar
3x10 back extension alternating with
10 walking lunges first set, 2x10 squats no weight
stretching

Feb. 25: 52 minutes elliptical

Totals:
18 days
975 minutes

Thanks, saef, for laying it out a bit more. Getting it out in the cold light of day must help. It'll shrivel! At least a bit.

As for me, we are leaving my mother's today so I'll be in the car too much. I'll fit in a blowy walk by the seaside half-way. Tonight we're staying in a hotel with a full-size snooker table so I may have a game or two. Or I may just lie in the bath. After a ferocious tummy upset I'm tired, despite sleeping for most of 36 hours.

Saturday, Feb. 26:

45 minute spin class
60 minute Pilates class

And off for a day of walking & looking, maybe to the Neue Galerie (I think I've spelled that wrong) and probably also a movie. Either something called "Kaboom" or the documentary on Vidal Sassoon.

Feb. 26: 65 minutes bootcamp

Totals:
19 days
1040 minutes

Sunday, Feb. 27:

15:07 rowing on the Concept 2 for 2,991 meters at 2:29 for 500 meters and 40 s/m, for a projected total of 5,989 meters
60 minutes weights
45 minutes spin class

Reading Tom Venuto afterward in the waiting area at Valvoline Instant Oil Change. They took my expired discount coupon anyway. Tom Venuto's all about affirmations, using pictures & images to help you reach your goal, and the power of positive thinking. He wouldn't like me very much if he knew me.

My next book needs to have nothing to do with weight loss, exercise or physical culture. I need to put something else inside the dumpster of my head.