Maintaining Bingers
 

I'm not sure what's been going on with me lately...my binging has been, well out of control Friday and Saturday evenings and most all of Sunday. It's certainly nothing like it used to be, but binging none the less. Thankfully my weight has not paid the price as of yet, but I fear it's only a matter of time. I really can't figure out what's going on, and rather than over analyze I think I'll just re-adopt some of the rules that worked to curb my binging before while I was losing.

Part of me wants to say, well my weight hasn't suffered yet so maybe this is just part my maintenance plan, but emotionally I can't handle the guilt that comes post binge. And depending on what the binge drug of choice was, my running performance suffers. Anyway, I just wanted to through this out there for any other maintaining bingers and maybe we can recommit together to take control of this dark disorder. I officially claim tonight was my last binge...for this point on everything will be consciously consumed and when the urge strikes I will refrain, distract and calmly release the urge to stuff the stress and boredom away...eating unnecessary food never solved anything. And although I binged tonight, I will not punish myself tomorrow.

I still at the hospital whith my little baby , but when i go back home ( hope tomorrow ) i will reccomite whit you.
I will think of you each time i want to binge .. . Let see what happen.

ncuneo, while I was never officially diagnosed with a binge disorder, I definitely have binge episodes. I've found that since I've lost weight and maintained, that my binge episodes are very different than before. My binge foods can be either healthy food, like homemade bread, or go for the complete junk, like chips, ice cream, chocolate candy, baked goods, etc. If it makes it's way into my house, I'm going to eat it. And let's be clear about this--I don't buy it! This is all food that DH or well-meaning "friends and extended-family" bring to us. I was primarily raised by my depression era grandmother who really made an impression in me that we DO NOT WASTE FOOD! Therefore, I become a human garbage can, which is so not what I want. The negative voices, blaming, recriminations and self-punishment must stop!

But this is the change, I don't eat as much and it doesn't happen as often. Instead of 5-6 days a week, I'm at a 2-3 days a month. I'd like to eliminate the binges completely but I think that that might make me binge more. I am really with both of you, but I'm going to work on continuous improvement (however incremental), rather than cold turkey.

Wow, you guys sound so much like me. I never binged until I started maintaining 18 mo. ago. I binged badly 2 times a week & my excuse was that my weight was going to drop too low, I was at the lowest weight for my height. If I binged I could prevent more weight loss. All it did was cause me to gain 5 lbs of water, feel sick & sluggish. For the past month I've learned that if I just eat healthy food til i'm full, not stuffed, I feel much better. My weight did go up in October from binging, cause I wasn't being careful ( I love anything sweet & peanut butter). I've been binge free since X-mas, now it's more of an over eating problem, i eat more calories than I should. I do it every couple days. I also love to run & exercise, I can't right now cause of the winter weather, so I'm exercising in the house everyday, if i eat too much I can't perform properly either. So either it's got to stop completely or maybe just give myself 1 free day to eat what i want. Maintaining is way too hard for me, so I've decided to go into diet mode, that just works better for me. I think it's easier to diet than to maintain!

For me it's all about trying to face that maintenance is for life. That can be a hard thing. I feel that restriction a lot sometimes.

My binge eating is either emotional or because I'm exhausted. I'm never really hungry when I overeat.

And it tends to be toward the weekend or on the weekend. I'm aided and abetted by DH in that he's always saying "it's the weekend, party time!" I still sometimes have that mentality too. "The rest of the world gets to party so why can't I?"

And the food has changed. Now it's salty carbs, rather than ice cream and cookies.

I've found that thinking in absolutes - no more bingeing ever - just sets me up to fail. I try to eat the "forbidden foods" (chips and beer) no more than once a week.

I am maintaining my weight about 5 lbs. over my goal weight. Two years now. I think if I could overcome this eating problem I'd easily make it to goal.

But is that important enough to give up the emotional release the eating gives me (even though it's fleeting and temporary)?

For now the answer is no. It's the only support (other than 3FC and you can only whine about something so many times before people get tired of it) I have so I use it.

Dagmar

I'm not "officially" maintaining but I just wanted to chime in and say that like fruitlady, I was never a binger before I reached my all-time low weight/was consciously dieting. I have been thinking recently about taking a break from 3FC or at least posting less and not reading all the threads, because I just find myself thinking 24/7 about food and eating.

I am trying out an experiment, cutting out all dessert type foods for one week. My binges have all been sugar binges - eating whole boxes of chocolate, packages of cookies, etc. I hope that it may be as simple as breaking a sugar addiction, though I do suspect that there is a bigger problem lurking beneath the surface.

While I wouldn't wish this problem on my worst enemies, I am grateful that there is support to be had here at 3FC and that it's not just me...

I've been debating whether my posting in this thread would be helpful, or not, because I am in recovery from binge eating disorder. By this, I mean that I haven't binged for several years now, at least not in the way that I used to. Years ago, there were three different types of binges that I engaged in, which I don't do now:

- I would deliberately drive to a store, buy things, sit back & methodically eat them, one by one, and as fast as possible, until I felt ill & bloated. This was done with great secrecy, and shame, as I feared people running the cash registers could intuit my plans.
- I would ransack the kitchen until I found something that I could eat, again as fast as I could & as much as I possible. Again, this was a very private behavior, and happened when I was alone, or was hidden if there was one other potential witness in another room.
- At a buffet or party with food laid out, I would slip into a noticeably different gear & start loading my plate with many, many different things, and eat them all, a little too quickly & a little too intently, again until I felt pretty ill. This is the only kind of binge that happened in public, at a meal time, & was the most rare.

Okay, so I don't do that anymore. But, I have vestigial, telltale bingeing behaviors that hint at my compulsive tendencies: I can chew sugarfree gum all day, one stick after another, or drink coffee, doused with Splenda, one cup after another. (I switch to decaf, as too much caffeine makes me feel somewhat hysterical.) Some days I give into those behaviors, but more often, I fight them,with the tools I've learned from therapy & working on my disorder over the years. The vestigial binge tendencies may be socially acceptable, but they are still compulsive & unhealthy & are a sign that I'm not well.

Here is what I know about myself, after years -- YEARS -- of working on these behaviors:

- They are emotionally & psychologically rooted. If I am uneasy, agitated, if I'm not taking time to breathe & get a little perspective, if I am very much stuck inside my own head, if I feel conflicted, if I feel overwhelmed, unequal to demands from others or demands that I place on myself, then I seem to want to put things in my mouth & work my jaws. When I'm eating, I go into a place that is not-thinking, not-feeling, simply consuming, flooded with sweetness or whatever it is that I'm tasting, and this oblivion has the addictive appeal of a drug. BUT ... it is only partly the food that is the cause. The real cause is my state of mind, and my dropping into a coping mechanism that is not all that helpful. It means I'm not recognizing my emotional state, and it means I am not DOING THE WORK of identifying & using another coping mechanism.

- They are the result of restriction. For every action, there is a reaction. Part of me is a very stern authority figure, who always demands a great deal of myself, including perfect adherence to an exercise schedule & eating plan, and limiting or keeping off-limits certain foods. The stronger the iron fist of this authority figure, the more another part of me feels over-restricted & exhausted, that it cannot possibly live up to these demands, that it can't even try, and that its only solace is (yes, you guessed it) food, or whatever it is the authority figure says I can't have. That part of me will eventually engage in a little jailbreak, rebelling against the authority, and therefore choosing the very thing that has been forbidden to me.

- They occur when my weight is extremely low. And this is the part that is not too popular with people, when I tell them this, but part of my not bingeing the way I used to is accepting a higher everyday weight. In other words, not striving for the best, the most excellent version of me that could possibly be achieved. It's a psychological strategy, as this removes the pressure on me to sustain the achievement of the very low weight. (I do wonder if there is also a physical component, in that it's a restricted, semi-starved state & one's body wants to eat enough to put one back at a certain point, but until that's thoroughly proved, I can only speak for the psychological element.) I binged because I got really, really uneasy at having to STAY AT my low weight, once I'd made it. I doubted my ability to do it, I felt this was a trophy that was very precariously won, and all the self-doubt & fear of failure caused me to be agitated & uneasy & etc. (See description of feelings that can trigger bingeing or binge-like behavior in me, above.)

I worked for three years with a therapist who took a behavioral approach, which stopped the worst of the bingeing. I also let my weight go back up. (It got out of control for several years there, actually.) I continue to work weekly with a therapist, but we talk less about bingeing (as I don't really do that anymore) than about other aspects of my life, which has indirectly helped the behaviors.

Sorry for the novel, but I thought there may be something in here that may be helpful for SOMEBODY on this thread, even if we are very different in other ways.

I should say clearly what I think my post already suggests: I am certainly not a professional with any background in treating eating disorders, I am just a fellow sufferer who is much, much better than she was, years ago, and am writing out of my own experience. Your mileage may vary.

Yikes, Ncuneo. I just hopped on here, and I was thinking about posting, almost word for word, what you wrote.

I have a horrible history with binge eating, but mine has been under control since I started my weight loss journey. I stalled out about 15 lbs above my goal, but I was still staying on track, although gradually shifting my mindset to more of a maintenance mode. I realized that I was happy enough at this weight and I just didn't have the energy to keep on a super strict plan and watch the scale not budge.

Last week, I had this incredibly important meeting where I knew that everyone was going to be checking me out to see how I looked. It was stressful in a good way-- I thought I looked good and made a good impression. But ever since, then I've been getting a little less under control every day.

So far, I haven't done anything that I would consider a classic binge (eating an entire package of double stuf Oreos) but I've been getting very out of control with some healthy equivalents-- raisins, dried figs, nuts, extra servings of bread with almond butter.... My weight has not changed-- yet.

Part of me is thinking "this is a good thing...loosen up a bit, actively maintain for a month or two, and then buckle down and try to shed the last 25 to 30." Part of me is thinking "OH MY GOD YOU ARE HEADING BACK TOWARD ALL THE HABITS THAT GOT YOU TO 300 POUNDS."

One thing I have to admit to myself is that someone who binged for 30 years is not going to get over it one hundred per cent from one day to the next and never struggle again. It's just not realistic.

My biggest insight when I was losing was that bingeing, all along, was a CHOICE, not a compulsion, and I can recognize that it's true now too. I'm not doing it because I want to gain weight. I'm doing it because I think I can get away with it, and it scares me.

I also absolutely relate to this!

And saef -- thank you so much for sharing your experience. I found the lessons that you shared as someone who has recovering from this behavior really, really helpful. I was wondering if you could elaborate a little bit more on your second point -- on how you used to binge as a reaction to the "stern authority figure" inside you. I had a lightbulb moment when I read that. When I binge, I feel this sense of pure, blissful freedom from all of the planning that I require of myself. But, I know from experience that planning is essential in order for me to maintain this weight. And 95% of the time, that rigorous planning is absolutely worth it Years ago, I weighed much more than my signature shows, and I was miserable. So, my goal right now is to figure out how to achieve balance.

Yes!! I have found that 3FC is a double-edged sword for me. On one hand there's support, excellent advice, understanding, empathy - on the other hand it sort of feeds my obsession and I find I think about food a lot more. Part of this might just be seeing what everyone else is eating. :)

A good example of this happened during the snow/ice storm the second week of January. We Southerners were iced in our homes (that's what happens when a metropolitan area of 4 million only has 10 snow plows!) and I spent the week on my couch, alternately checking/writing on 3FC and bargaining with myself as to the next time I could eat. It was a rough 5 days.

VERY helpful and enlightening for me, Saef. Thank you for sharing.

If I remember correctly, you have stated on other threads that you don't count calories. Would you say that your therapy has enabled you to you eat intuitively? I don't want to put words in your mouth - I don't know if that's how you describe how you maintain your weight. But I'm interested to know if therapy has provided you with strategies and techniques to, for lack of a better term, be at peace with food and your body. I would really love that for myself, honestly. Most of the time I feel really good with how I'm handling this weight loss journey, and with calorie counting, but there are days when I feel obsessive and restricted and like I'm balanced on the edge of a very fine blade. I would really, for once in my life, like to have a "normal" relationship with food. Not that I know what that looks like!

I echo this and am thankful that someone gave me this advice a long time ago, and that I took it to heart. The idea of "Progress, not perfection," has helped on more than one occasion as I've attempted to make lifelong, positive changes for my health. Now, if only I could apply the same to my amazing procrastination skills . . . :)

I think it takes a lot of focus and self-control for all of us to deal with whatever our particular relationship is with food.

Not to in any way trivialize what is a real struggle for all of us but sometimes I see my bingeing as a form of "blowing off steam". Kinda the Sat. night "party" as a reward for all the dieting/maintaining control I sustain all week.

For me it works to offset a pressure that could otherwise lead to much worse behaviours.

Just my own scenario.

Dagmar :dizzy:

I agree with you, Dagmar - that's what it is for me. Although, sometimes when I do things like eat 10 strips of twizzlers (what? why? I don't even like them!), I feel like something more sinister is lurking in the behavior. Sometimes I wish I WOULD gain weight from those mini/almost binges - "getting away with it" scale-wise does nothing to stop me from hurting myself emotionally.

This struck a chord with me. My prior binge-like behaviors usually originated with some combination of anxiety and boredom. But lately I've started to do it again, and this time the cause is likely the major changes I'm about to face, including finishing grad school, moving far far away and starting a new and demanding job. I just realized that the binging is purely an avoidance mechanism now. I can escape to a place of no thoughts or feelings, where I briefly forget how scared and nervous I am. I wish I knew how to cope with the fear.

saef- I already posted here, but I had to tell you that everything( & I mean every bit)you said in your post, is the same for me. I think we are very alike, your post really helped me to see the light!

Though I do not binge anymore, I know I am not completely well & am still in recovery because my relationship with food & eating is still fraught. I am still overly restrictive.

There are all kinds of foods that I won't eat at all anymore, under any circumstances. Not even a bite, a lick or a taste (as Rockin' Robin used to say). For instance, I did not eat anything related to the holiday at Christmas. I mean, nothing. Nothing at all. No pie, no cake, no chocolate, no eggnog, not a crumb of a cookie. Some think that's admirable. In my heart, I have enough sanity to see that's somehow, well, excessive. I did not starve during the holidays. I ate three meals a day, and snacks. I ate healthily. I ate standing rib roast, pork loin stuffed with apples & apricots, leg of lamb. Lots of veggies. Surely I could have cut back on portions a bit & had just a cookie, just once? But am unable to allow myself to do this.

I have lost some joy & spontaneity.

And you know what? The bingeing behavior is tricky & shape-shifting. It morphed. During the holiday season, I bought too many clothes on eBay. I was scrolling compulsively through auction listings, instead of eating. Several weeks passed before I was able to come up for air & see what I was doing.

So I tell you, it's not solely about the food.

It's about my mind, about control & about anxiety.

I do not yet have the balance that you describe.

I am trying. Very hard. I do engage in a lot of self-examination. That I am able to recognize this behavior in myself, and describe it here, and have that kind of perspective on myself, instead of being in denial or, even worse, oblivious to the rigidness of my stance & occasions when it breaks down -- that is something good, and places me further along in the spectrum from health & wellness to illness.

And every time I agree to go out to dinner, or get take-out, or to dine at a friend's place, that is a victory, in which I watch myself, and see the anxiety rise -- BUT I MAKE MYSELF DO IT ANYWAY -- and then, when I find it isn't disastrous, and I'm not much heavier the next day or a few days later, I find I've enlarged my life & I have come much closer to normal eating behaviors. I am able to do this now routinely, with only a momentary hesitation.

It's helpful to freak out on the boards here publicly. In the act of writing about my extreme anxiety over new situations, I see how relatively small the problem is, and how my rigidness has crept back in, and when I can see myself from the outside with better perspective, I regain some sanity. I'm able to back off on being authority figure a little, and to remember my mantra, which is: To ask less of myself.

I see so many people come to the boards seeking willpower, or chiding themselves for a failure in willpower. I'm not always sure that is the problem, because of my own experience. My problem is definitely NOT lack of willpower. It is inflexibility & disregarding my own limits.

I attribute the end of my bingeing as I've described in my earlier post to being easier on myself & asking less of myself. The remaining vestigial behaviors, or the morphing of the behavior, occurs when I forget about that.

But I do NOT have this all figured out, or I would not have moved from bingeing to another extreme, which is general restrictiveness with episodes of attempts at "normality" during which I still feel vigilant & still feel some anxiety.

With me, anyway, the former bingeing is part of something bigger & is just one expression of anxiety & control issues.

Saef, thanks so much for sharing. I'm in the beginning of my maintenance phase (though I'd still like to lose) and it's comforting to hear that someone else struggled with this for years and that I'm not and idiot for not already having it all figured out.

For me, it's definitely an anxiety thing. Whenever I get rattled (I don't know how else to describe it), I find myself compelled to go to the refrigerator over and over again. Mind you, a binge for me is like a dozen homemade chocolate chip cookies, but in WW points, those 12 cookies are an entire day's worth of points. If it's not the chocolate chip cookies, it's something else.

Removing food from the house doesn't change the behavior, and there are only so many things I can remove from the house. I've come to realize that there will always be something to binge on, so I try to focus on dealing with the behavior rather than avoiding specific foods.

My current approach has been to let myself have things back in the house that I was trying to ban thinking it would stop the binges. I was making cookies every two days at first, but last week I went six days without making another batch. I'm hoping to go even longer this week. But having things around all the time removes the "it's almost gone, I need to enjoy it while I have it" compulsion.

I'm also trying to learn other substitute behaviors. Knitting. Soduko puzzles. Tidying the house. I know I don't lose weight when I'm tense, and right now I'm very, very tense. I did eat six chocolate chip cookies today, but it was only six, and I dealt with the tension in other ways. I wish I could just relax once. I know when I was losing, if I was stressed, I would plateau for a few days and then once the stress passed, I'd have a big drop that would make up for what I didn't loose while I was tense. Somehow I need to get back to that place of mental peace.

What an interesting thread! Thanks to everyone for sharing. I don't know if what I'll have to say will fit in with it, but here goes:

I can't say ever had a binging disorder. What I ate day to day was just the norm for me. I guess you can say every meal I had was a binge. I was probably consuming well over 4,000 calories a day, and as much at 10,000. My weight was a never ending upward spiral that just kept rising and rising. I never only ate until I was "satisfied" whatever that means when it comes to food. To this day, I don't know what a satisfied feeling is when I eat. I just tell myself what I can and can't have. I give myself limits. In the past year and a half, I have only gotten up for seconds ONE time. But with every meal, especially the good ones, I could always have a bit more, I just stop myself before I do it. It's even gotten to the point where I feel embarassed if I get up for seconds. But I think that's a whole different issue.

Yet, in spite of what I've posted, vs. what the actual topic of this thread is about, there are SO many times where I find myself wanting to go back to old eating habits. Sometimes I come really close to it. I just psych myself out to be stronger. I've got to, I've got nothing else. There is no magical brainwashing, food addiction cure pill or method. Mind over matter. I wish I never developed this unhealthy relationship with food, but it is what it is. And although each day is an ongoing battle with myself, I somehow keep coming out on top. At the end of the day, I never want to go back to where I was. I can't. Yet, every day, I know deep down, that obese woman is still lurking inside me trying to escape...

Thank you, thank you everyone. It feels so good to know that I'm not alone. I guess just as with weight loss, it's important to know we can't be perfect all the time. We will slip, but just as with weight loss as long as we are back on plan immediately we will continue to maintain just as we all continued to lose. I guess just part of me felt like, if I can't get this under control, well then it's only a matter of time before I'm 268 lbs again. That doesn't have to be true, and I know this. So one day at a time, one situation at a time, on meal at a time. I can maintain this weight for the long term and along the way...well a binge may happen, but I will do everything in my power to keep control the best I can and always, ALWAYS return to my plan.

I have to say that this is an extreamly interesting thread. I've wanted to comment several times, but felt as though my reply would sound weird... :)

At one time I felt as though I only could relate to people who started out in the morbidly obese catagory... I always felt that "we" had a whole set of issues that the plain old "overweight" could not relate to, or even understand. Several posts in this thread opened my eyes wide open to this issue and I can honetly say that I can relate to at least one point each person has made....no matter what weight they started out at. (Just thought I throw that out there...;))

As some of you may know, when I first started out with my weight loss I never "cheated". I stayed on plan day after day, month after month. I wanted the weight off as quickly as possible. I remember some people felt I was setting myself up for a binge by being so strict...so I set out to prove them wrong. Well, when I finally made it goal I admit, I had few "controlled binges". And nothing happened. I didn't crash and burn, I didn't gain back 190 pounds overnight. I just felt guilt. I'd get back on the wagon and all was well. So then I'd go a little deeper...still didn't sink. Then a little deeper...and as long as I'd come up for air, I was still fine.

I'm to the point now, I think, that true binges (as in 1000's of fast calories) no longer appeal to me. Besides fast food, (which I have vowed to never eat again and don't desire to eat), I have eaten more than my share of all the forbidden foods I never allowed myself to eat while I was strictly dieting. I've binged on cheese cake, and on ice cream and all that junk I craved but denied myself of for so many months. And here I am, the same weight and still getting out of the water before it gets too deep. A binge just isn't exciting to me anymore. It's just food. Now, I'm not saying that food has lost it's power...NO WAY, it will always be an issue, but eating myself silly just doesn't "do it" for me anymore.

Lori Bell- so glad you commented, I did the same, didn't cheat on my diet once in the 10mo. it took me to lose the weight. I was very strict, only would eat my certain foods that I felt were safe. Once that weight was gone, I indulged big time, binging 1 or 2 times a week on junk food at home. I also did not go near fast food, I didn't even want it. Still don't want it & it's been over 2 yrs. I'm over the binge thing too ( like 4000-6000 cal. at one time), it is just food, nothing you haven't tasted before. I'm more of an overeater now, but that's getting better too. At least with over eating I consume much less calories than a with a binge & i don't feel sick afterwards. Feeling sick for 2 days just isn't worth it anymore for me, & I make sure when I am eating something junky, I don't go overboard cause I don't want to feel that way.

Time to revive this thread. I am having a super hard time. I've had a six pound gain since Jan. 20th. Today, the day started bad and just got worse and I ended up forcing myself to add up my calories-- which totaled 2500.

I binge when I get anxious and I'm super anxious right now. I'm not even binging on cheesecake or anything interesting. I'm just eating all day long.

That's an interesting idea about keeping food in the house so you can get normal exposure to it - like it's always there so you don't have to binge.

I am moving in with my boyfriend next month and we've joked that we need to keep food under lock and key. (kind of funny, but not really, because while I can binge on bad foods I can also binge on okay foods and healthy foods).

It's still a struggle for me, but it's somewhat reassuring I'm not alone in this.

I've been experimenting this week with keeping "bingeable" food in the house. Nothing too challenging - peanut butter and cereal is a bit much - but single serving portions of things like nuts, chocolate, etc. It's working well. I put it in the pantry and sometimes if I feel like it I'll bring a small portion to work.

Jeez, I need to be like the poster child of this thread, lol...

I am happy to say that I have not binged (or restricted!) for nearly two weeks. But that two week hump is hard for me, for some reason that's when the bingemonster starts making justifications like "you've done so well for so long, time for a treat." But now that I've snapped myself out of the binge/restrict pattern that I had been in for a few weeks, I'm hoping I can stick with it this time.

Last night was hard for me. I was so perfectly beautifully on plan all day, but it was my husband's birthday. I made him a homemade yellow cake with homemade cream cheese frosting and decorated with sliced strawberries. I amazingly managed to not use my mouth as the waste bucket for cake scraps or leftover frosting. I had a smidge of frosting just for a taste check, but it was just a dot on my little finger. But then it was actual cake-eating time. I had honestly planned on not having any cake, but when the time came, I gave in and had a tiny piece. I was annoyed that I'd have to add several hundred calories on my calorie counter for that tiny piece and that familiar all-or-nothing feeling crept in. I was thinking that I'd already blown it by having unplanned cake, why stop at that tiny unsatisfying piece? So I had an extra bite, then another. BUT, I DID stop before it got out of hand. It was not a binge. So, minor slip up, minor victory.

Mkendrick - That's exactly what I've been doing since I hit goal, most weekends! I've binged most weekends then been so restrictive during the week I've been thoroughly miserable, and so the pattern goes.
This last 10 days or so I decided to try to eat a little more during the week to see if it would help the hunger and cravings and in turn help me maybe reduce the binges, and so far it's worked. It seems really odd to allow myself that bit more food during the week and at the time it's hard to overcome the feeling that I'm not POP, but the number on the scale is much better than it has been for a couple of weeks and I'm feeling more level headed, so we'll see I guess.

Random question for my fellow maintainers with binge tendencies, hehe...

Have you ALWAYS been a binger or has that behavior developed over the weight loss/maintenance process? For me, it's the latter. Which is kind of frustrating, since this whole thing has been a journey to get healthier, but I have actually developed some unhealthy habits in the process.

Before I started losing weight, I simply didn't care what I ate. Sure, I wanted to lose weight, but I didn't make any effort to do so. I obviously over ate, and sometimes I was a little embarrassed about how much food I could pack away compared to others, but it was never the binge behavior. It wasn't the desperate OMG-I-need-to-eat-everything-I-can-get-my-hands-on-right-now feeling. I just ate what I wanted when I wanted (which was junk and way too often). I wasn't even much of an emotional eater.

I feel like my plan, even though it's a healthy, balanced plan based on nourishing and satisfying myself, has led me to binges. I feel like ANY plan would have, it's not a fault with my specific diet regimen. It's the fact that there are certain rules and restrictions that I have to follow. Even moderate rules like staying under 1600cal/day. Physically, I can easily satisfy myself in a very healthy way following this rule. Mentally and emotionally, this rule is easy for me to follow 95% of the time. But the fact that there is a "rule" at all, means that there's a rule to break. So eating over 1600cal/day is breaking a "rule," it's forbidden, it's rebellious. And then I get it in my head that if I'm breaking a rule, I might as well live it up. Teenagers that sneak into their parent's liquor cabinet aren't going to have a modest 4oz glass of red wine, they're going to go all out! So when I break the rule, I'm going over by thousands of calories, hence, a binge.

I have tried allowing treats in moderation...planning a fun-size candy bar in my calories or something. So then those "forbidden foods" are no longer "forbidden." But that just drives me insane. That one measley little taste of a treat doesn't satisfy me, it just makes me want to eat the whole bag of 'em.

So has anybody else developed this binge pattern or have you always had it?

I'm speaking of me historically.

The lower the weight that I tried to maintain, and the more I restricted & devoted my energies to staying there, the worse the bingeing became.

Which is why I say, for every action, there was a comparable reaction. The tighter my grasp, the more out of control the bingeing behavior. It was too symmetrical for me not to get the message my body & psyche was sending.

It's partly why I've settled for a higher maintenance weight this time around. I attribute that helping me end the behavior, although there are a lot of other factors.

At high weights, I didn't binge. Or at least, I didn't go through the sequence of behaviors that I've learned to recognize as a binge. I overate -- and would fixate on a particular food & eat it repeatedly or in large quantities -- but this was desultory, slow, could occur in front of other people. Nothing speeded-up, desperate, hidden. This is still disordered eating. (The fixation on some food for a certain period of time.) But not like what I know is a binge when it happens.

Megan, you sound a LOT like me!

I was the same way. When I was larger, I didn't binge. At least I didn't think I did. I just ate bad stuff and didn't exercise at all. It was nothing for me to skip breakfast, have a cheeseburger, large fries and mozzarella sticks for lunch, chocolate all day at work, then half or more of a pan of something like Hamburger Helper, spaghetti or lasagna for dinner. I wasn't big on desserts, oddly enough. Just FOOD. I ate, got done eating and stopped.

During weight loss, those stopped. I was strict. I didn't go over my calorie allotment to the point where it became so regimented that it was hard to enter maintenance at all. I lost 20 more pounds while trying to find my maintenance calories due to this (and the fact that I'd maintain 3 weeks of the month and lose only after my TOM - made it hard to see if my calorie totals were working!)

Looking back now, there were some little binges. I was an emotional eater. If I was sad, I went to comfort food (mashed potatoes - even instant; mac and cheese; cheese sticks...). If I was happy, I celebrated with the chocolates, cakes and pies at work (so maybe I WAS a sweet eater...). I was also a boredom eater. Nothing to do? I was at the fridge. Piece of cheese here, bread there, handful of chips. Nothing too big.

Now that I'm in maintenance, these behaviors are creeping back in. I'll get home from work at 4 pm everyday and just start snacking on accessible things - like a little handful of oyster crackers from the open package, some parmesan cheese (love the stuff), shredded cheese. I've tried holding off on my afternoon snack, between lunch and dinner, until I get home, but then all the chocolate at work is too tempting.

I also know that this will catch up with me if I don't stop!

Nope, always been a binger. Literally I can remember back to when I was little sneaky and binging. Although I was skinny up until my early 20's when I went to college and met my now husband.

My issue was that my mom restricted me and had her own weight issues that were kind of learned by me. So when I got out of the house and I was on my own I stopped exercising and had a free for all for oh about 10 years.

When I started counting my binging got a lot better and was pretty much under control most of last year. I'm not really sure what's happening now that I'm in maitnenance.

I've got a couple new thoughts though.

I'm going to be less restrictive durning the week, only in the since that I'm going to up my cals so there's "less room" to binge over the weekends. Before my cals were a little low for me during the week, so I almost had to binge to stop losing.

Second and I'm not sure if this is a good idea, but I'm going to let myself binge, but in a way that's "healthy". Like for example, if I want to binge then fine...it has to be on things that benefit my body and weight training/yoga/running in some way. So it's more of a re-feed, if you believe in that concept. I stopped keeping most of my binge foods in the house so the only options are healthy stuff anyways. AND I'm going to start tracking my binges - so that will require me to stop and think about what I'm doing and IF it's really worth it and I'm sure the further guilt of knowing just how much I consumed is going to be just wonderful. Usually when I binge there is no counting and I just keep going back for more. Well if I have to stop and weight and measure and track before putting it in my mouth, maybe I'll think twice.

I'm also thinking about changing the way I count on the weekends. So instead of planning my day out in advance to meet a certain calorie point, I'm going to track as I go, eat what I want and let the cals fall where they may within reason of course...Cleaning out the house has helped a lot. Also cleaning up my diet and getting rid of processed stuff has helped too. As well and really focusing on fitness.

In the end, I think it's just going to be a life long battle for me and one I plan to fight...because being thin is so worth it!

I definitely only started binging after I lost the majority of my extra weight. I generally "let" myself overeat on the weekends in hopes that it will keep me in check during the week, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

I'd like to get off the "diet mode" wagon but I find that impossible because I know how many calories are in everything and I can't quit doing the mental math. That, and if I ate intuitively I'd go RIGHT back to the "old ways," probably doubly so. There is a lot of mourning for being able to sit down and enjoy a meal without stressing out about it and numbers-crunching.

:wave:My experience is totally different in that I've had a lifetime problem with bingeing.
What I've done is change the way I THINK about the "diet mode" wagon,
because...I AGREE that eating intuitively will take me back to obesity.

MKendrick, I am like you. When I was fat, I didn't think about food. I ate what I wanted when I wanted it, and like you, what I wanted was unhealthy and I wanted too much of it too often. I did not binge. I used to be the person who could buy a dozen donuts and eat just one. I never felt the urge to clean my plate and would happily leave three bites left over.

Nowadays not so much. Yesterday I bought a 6-pack of prune-filled jelly donuts at the grocery and DH and I each ate 3. Part of it is the restriction, which is why I have to include a "free" meal in my plan. Part of it is that DH has always been more of a binge eater and a member of the clean plate club and his tendencies have rubbed off on me. I typically deal with it by just not bringing junk food into the house and limiting it to a single serving when I'm out.

I've been failing at this the past couple weeks though. I lost 5 lbs because of stress about my dog's injury, and now that he's doing better I got stuck in this mindset of "I lost too much so I need to gain some back, so it's okay to eat junk." I gained back those 5lbs plus couple more. I'm still within my comfort zone but I'm having trouble breaking out of this mindset that it's okay to eat junk. I told DH yesterday that I almost feel like my craving for junk is such that I feel like need to eat enough junk to make me sick so that I'll stop wanting to eat it. I haven't done that yet, and I don't know if it's the answer or not.

Starting today I am not going to eat any dessert on weekdays. This has always been part of my maintenance plan but I've slipped a lot. NO DESSERT ON WEEKDAYS.

paperclippy, take it from me - you can never eat so much junk/dessert that it will cure you of your desire for it. You can eat it until you're sick, but give it an hour or two and your stomach will produce room for more. It's a neverending cycle of horrible.

I would like to join you on your "NO DESSERT ON WEEKDAYS" crusade. Today, like yesterday and the day before and the day before that, have just proved to me that I am like a baby or a lower life form and cannot behave like a lady around sweets.

I am in the non-bingeing before weight loss club. Sure, I ate horribly and lots of it but never so much that I was sick (okay well maybe at buffets but that was more about the huge assortment of food available and I wanted to have it all). I remember the first time I lost weight - there was this woman in my office who had a huge basket of chocolates. At this point, I had lost quite a bit of weight and was doing good. Well, one day I ate some of her chocolate and then some more and some more. The next thing I knew, I was at the gas station buying anything and everything. It was like I had already wrecked my diet that day, so I was going to enjoy it.

This time around I am trying to approach this all so differently. I figure if I stay at 174 forever, it is far better than balooning back up to 198. So I try to eat intuitively but if I want some ice cream, okay sure, but some - not 8 gallons. Now I used to read these same words on other people's posts and I would think I could never do that because I wanted the 8 gallons - I wanted the feeling of just shoving the food in my mouth without thinking about it. But what I have realized is that is what I was craving - not having to worry about food - more than the 8 gallons. So I really try to be relaxed about it all. I have a set of meals I eat that are healthy and low calorie (and I don't have to think about them or count the calories). And if I deviate on one or two days, it is not the end of the world. Because the bingeing is what will make me gain all the weight, small deviations will not. And I have been losing - not super fast like before but I have been doing about a pound a week and that is good for me.

Hello all,
This is my first post here but I have been following and feeling in tune with many. Just this morning I was recalling a "naturally thin" friend who DOES actually watch her weight but it seems food is just not a big deal for her. We were in florida together and she had an ice cream brownie sundae several times that week. Of course, I voiced some jealousy. (BTW she is a 44 year old mother of four and still looks great in a bikini, rarely exercises, also)

She told me she NEVER eats like this at home. She never has ice cream and YES, she will gain 10 pounds on this vacation. But then when she returns home and back to her regular eating patterns it will come off. I then said that I did eat ice cream when not on vacation and am always having to watch myself and my weight. Her eyes opened wide ;) She could NOT imagine ice cream as a regular occurrence--

I was reflecting on this because I have ice cream in the house and have pretty much been eating the entire gallon by myself. Days, nights, weekdays, weekends...no matter.

I join you in the no dessert on the weekdays pledge.
K

Wow, so many of you sound EXACTLY like me!!! MindiV, I think we must be brain twins, haha.

I think another factor that led me to binges after weight loss was while *during* weight loss, I had a specific goal to work towards and it was easy to keep it in focus. During weight maintenance, I still have a goal, and that's for my weight to stay roughly the same, but maintaining a constant isn't the same mindset as changing to get to a goal.

So with the new maintenance mindset, it was easier to allow myself, as in planned, more cheats. I ate low cal (not restricted low cal, but around what I ate when I was losing) for the most part and would allow myself these huge cheat meals. It amazed me every single time that those huge cheat meals never affected the scale. I might be up the next day from sodium, but my weight always bounced right back. I guess that gave me a false sense of security because those big cheat meals became more frequent. And with the more frequent cheats, other habits crept back like snacking and grabbing a handful of this and that in the kitchen. For the most part, my weight would bounce back. But the number it bounced back to was creeping up. I didn't do significant damage, of which I'm so glad, but now I'm 129ish on my low days instead of 124-125. The fact that my weight was no longer bouncing back to where I wanted it to be scared me a bit. I had to face the music that I had indeed gained back 5lbs of real weight (I know that's a small number, but a gain back just the same). So that sent me into major damage control mode, hence, restricting. As we discussed, more restricting made me feel more deprived and rebellious which led to a binge. So I was going from restricting to binges. The bigger the binge, the stricter the restriction which led to an even bigger binge followed my an even stricter restriction.

I know many of you followed my thread about the blow out with my husband when I told him I needed his help snapping out of that cycle. That was after a week of eating around 500-600cal/day. I have never in my life done something like that. Well following the blow up and after talking through it, I started eating normal healthy meals again. As awful as that was, I think it snapped me back on track. I have been eating between 1200-1600cal/day since then of very balanced and delicious meals. I feel satisfied again, so even though I might crave some binge foods, my body isn't desperately screaming "feed me!" anymore so I can ignore the cravings.

Congrats on your wedding mkendrick :) many years of love, happiness and good health :):):)