My mother, bless her heart, just doesnt understand.
My wholeeee life shes been extremely insensitive to my weight (shes not the most reserved, to say the least.) I was a chubby baby and fed very well so I've always been on the heavier side despite the thinness of my siblings.
She used to tell me as a child "if you keep eating like that you'll always be fat." For my whole life she's told me to move my "fat ***" and shes even bribed me by saying things like "I'll buy you dresses/skirts/tops like that if you lose weight" It was all very hurtful and I never told her how much it bothered me.
When I started my journey she would always offer me fattening goodies and I declined and she would make comments like "I guess my food isnt good enough for you." It wasnt that, her food is amazing but its also what put me at 180.
Now that I reached my goal and im moving into maintenance she comments on how i'm "too skinny" and analyses everything I eat and asks when I'm going to "eat normally." She wonders when "this diet will be over"
I don't know how to explain to my mom that this isnt a diet. This is my life now. I dont want to eat unhealthy foods. I enjoy the energy I get from the wonderful natural foods that my body loves. I also don't know how to deal with her "too skinny" comments when all my life I've had to deal with her "youre too fat" comments. Will I ever be good enough?
Any advice?
How old are you? Do you live with her? How is your relationship otherwise? If you can have a heart to heart with her where she will respect your feelings, that might be the best way to go. If you don't have a relationship like that, it is probably best to try to ignore her if you can. Easier said than done, I'm sure. But hopefully "your new way" will just become "your way" and be assumed as your normal.
Wow, thanks for the responses!
I'm 20 and I do live with her. We've always been really close, you could call me a mommas girl. And thats so true, Michou, nothing better than the truth.
I guess next time she questions me I'll just be honest with her.
I feel your pain. The fact is, she may never change her view. But remember...it's just that...HER VIEW...not yours! I'm closing in on 44 yrs of life, and the one thing that I've learned is that we CANNOT change others. My mother (who is also a piece of work..lol), will always be the way she is...I accept that. Perhaps you'll find happiness and peace as you do the same. Stop fighting to change her view...chances are you won't.
However, ask yourself....Am I happy with myself? Do I feel proud of my accomplishments? Chances are...others will view you the way YOU view yourself! Now getting them to admit it...well that's a horse of an entirely different color! LOL! Learn to AGREE to DISAGREE...others, including family, will not always see things as you do...it's ok. DO YOU!!!
Congrats.....can't wait to be at goal like you! BTW, how long did it take you to drop the 50 lbs? Did it get really hard the final 10-20 lbs? Any stalls?
Last edited by joyfulloser; 01-21-2011 at 11:36 AM.
She sounds a little mean =/ do your siblings have good relationships w her? maybe talk to them about it? I hope she responds well to your heart to heart talk, but from what it sounds like, I’d be aware that for some reason she’s wanting to make you feel guilty about your life choices. sounds like she’s feeling victimized.
Well, from a per-sychological POV, she is annoyed now because you are effectively rejecting the way she raised you. Even though the way she raised you made you 180 - in her mind, the fact that you managed to lose weight by eating a different way to the way she fed you, is a rejection of her, and basically is telling her that she did something wrong as a parent.
My mother is overweight and, among other things, when she makes bread and butter she will slather her bread with a huge layer of butter. Now I do like butter, but a long time ago I decided to put the minimum of butter on my bread, so if she ever makes us tea, I will scrape off the excess butter and leave it on the side of my plate - I also do the same for my kids. She hates it as it is basically saying that I disapprove of how much butter she has. I don't care how much she has, I just don't want it.
Gosh that sucks, and girl you were never "fat." Maybe chubby- but the way you talk I thought you were going to be easily over 200 lbs. *sigh* I just don't get parents sometimes.
Anyways- I totally understand how tough that is for you- it's your mom- you love her- want to make her happy- but you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. You eat her food, gain weight, and she criticizes you for being overweight. Or you don't eat her food and she criticizes you for not eating enough and being too thin.
I'd just do your best to tell her that you ARE eating normal and that the things she's said has hurt you and yes you love her food but can't eat it like you used to. It's nothing personal, it's a health/weight issue.
Best of luck- I know how hard it is to talk to parents.
Its so nice to finally have a place to talk about this stuff with people who actually understand and are going through the same thing! Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. I've learned you all are very wise chicks!
I feel like no one, friends, family, or significant others, can ever really understand what all goes into this journey. It's definitely really hard to talk about but I hope it gets easier.
Congrats to all of you ladies btw!
@joyfulloser, I actually reached my exact goal on my 9 month weigh in! I'd never been so happy and I'm sure you'll feel the same way! Keep going strong girl! You're doing an amazing job! The last 10 we're absolutely the hardest!
Oh boy, I totally understand this one. Except for me, it was my dad instead of my mom. He has always simultaneously criticized my weight while encouraging me to eat unhealthy food and making fun of people who exercise. (He himself is obese, and started criticizing my weight when I was at a perfectly healthy weight.)
It used to be that my mom was similar, but just not as overtly critical. When I went on a diet once, she did offer to buy me a nice dress when I reached my weight loss goal. But she never called me fat or anything like that. In any case, after I lost all the weight, my mom also decided to improve her health and is now also a maintainer. So at least now I am in a good spot where my mom is "on my side" so to speak.
However, it's still a problem. My sister and I have both had multiple heart-to-hearts with my dad about this issue. Only recently did he even say anything approaching an apology for the way he used to criticize us. Before that he would just say I was being too sensitive.
In any case, I'm not sure what advice I have to offer, except to tell you that I understand somewhat. My own coping technique is somewhat lacking -- I live in a different state than my parents, so I only see them once or twice a year for no longer than a week. During that week, I eat almost all the junk food that is insisted on. The only rules I manage to keep up while I'm with them is 1) I eat my own standard breakfast, and 2) I keep up my exercise. Beyond that it's kind of a free-for-all week because I just don't want to deal with my dad's food issues. Two weeks a year aren't enough to do any real damage for me.
Kind of a cop out, I know. Unfortunately since you live with your mom it's not really an option for you. I have had the "When are you going to be done?" question and answered it with "If I go back to eating like I used to, I will go back to looking like I used to."
I completely understand how you feel. Just this weekend we had our sons 5th birthday party and I was dressed in new black jeans and black boots and feeling pretty good about myself....then I overheard 2 people talking at the party and heard my name and the word "skinny". So I knew it was coming. Then a bit later my Mom started talking about wanting to lose some weight and she looks over and says "You need to stop losing, you look too skinny".
Someone else that day asked why I was still on "that diet" also. I try to explain that I am still watching calories but I'm also eating alot MORE calories to stay at the same weight. I guess they just don't get it.
Honestly, everyone makes me start to think I have some kind of eating disorder
135-140 pounds is middle ground for my height. I don't know why everyone is saying these things.
I haven't read all the responses, just your original post, so forgive me if this is a repeat.
It's hard to express ourselves sometimes, but your post is pretty clear. I suggest you print this thread and have your Mom read it. She probably has no idea how she's affecting you.
Sometimes I think my mom's head would explode if she were ever to successfully keep her criticisms to herself. Her version of keeping her opinion to herself is to announce loudly (or in a stage whisper) to as many people as she can, how good she's being by keeping her opinion to herself (which of course means she's not really keeping it to herself).
I think that a lot of times they see the way you've been eating as a diet intended for weight loss and are concerned that you will continute to lose weight if you continue to eat the same foods. I would try explaining that you know you lost X pounds while eating like this and that you know she's concerned that you're going to keep losing, but you're not. You've increased your calories so that you won't continue to lose, you just are eating the same types of healthy things. Just say that it took a lot of hard work to get where you are and you're not prepared to have that go away by slipping back into the same habits that led to your weight gain to begin with. You eat enough calories to maintain your weight, not too few so you lose, and not too many so you gain. And I would say some people are fortunate and don't have to be cognizant of what goes in their bodies, but I'm not one of them and if I don't pay attention, it will be easy for me to start adding calories here and calories there until I'm eating well beyond what my body needs.
"When are you going to be done with all this?"
I'm closing in on 44 yrs of life, and the one thing that I've learned is that we CANNOT change others. My mother (who is also a piece of work..lol), will always be the way she is...I accept that. Perhaps you'll find happiness and peace as you do the same. Stop fighting to change her view...chances are you won't.
