Ah Gary, I think you may have hit the nail on the head. Not sure if I mentioned this, but DD#3, who just graduated from high school is going away - far, far away - like to another continent away - to school next year, well not next year, but the end of August.
Yup, on top of everything else that is going on, I am definitely feeling the empty nest syndrome. And it came on QUICK. I think quicker than most experience it. Boom. Boom. Boom. I am *losing* my three girls in less than two months and I really have no idea what to expect and that's probably causing me more stress than all of that other stuff.
fiberlover, I literally laughed out loud from your comment. I can relate to that SO much. Too funny!
preppingbride, oh gosh, you even have that as your user name, thank you for sharing your story, I WILL take it to heart. I hope your mom fully recovers.
Cheryl, he's not in the hospital or on the couch, but I did scream a bit, "what are you CRAZY???? why in the world would I want that garbage? what are you thinking? that's the LAST thing I want!!!!" Not pretty. I am not proud. I DO need to chill, don't I?
My DH calls it "whirling dervish" mode. That's when I get so wound up and am flying around doing 100 things at once and getting more and more stressed and . . .
. . .he just goes out, buys the ice cream, and plunks the container down in front of me with a spoon stuck in it.
/shrug.. I've been doing this six years and my husband STILL will ask me if I want a cinnabon or ice cream when we are wandering around a mall (and he knows I am an anal retentive loon - LOL).
Plus I've been a vegetarian for over a year and he'll invite me to a burger place for lunch. He's not malicious he's just absentminded. :P They are trying to help, dontchya know? =)
dh has "gotten" me the same present that I have told him I dont want every year for the last 5 years. When he cant think of a present he writes what he "intends to get me" in the birthday card. Fortunately he has never gotten his act together in time to actually go get it. Well he did get me a gift certificate once, so I was able to use it for something else.
Every year I say I dont want it, will never want it and wont use it. Every year he puts it in the card like it is a great brand new idea.
Many men take a long time to rewrite scripts in their head. His mental dialogue probably went along the lines of
"Oh crap, she is stressed. I dont like stressed, I need to fix this (cause I am the man and I need to fix problems) ok, wait , what was it that fixes stress. I cant think I cant think. Chinese! Yes I have a recollection of Chinese fixing stress. I know she doesnt eat chinese anymore but this is a freaking emergency! I dont know how to fix it in the NEW Robin, I only know how to fix it in the OLD robin. HELP!!! OH MY GOD I DONT KNOW HOW TO FIX IT!!!!! Maybe the Chinese will still work, please God let the chinese still work. Or ice cream. Ice cream fixes everything doesnt it? I am a MAN I must FIX IT and I dont know what the new option is!!!!! "
Honey do you want Chinese?
For his sanity figure out what a reliable new option is and tell him now so that he has a fix.
"Oh crap, she is stressed. I dont like stressed, I need to fix this (cause I am the man and I need to fix problems) ok, wait , what was it that fixes stress. I cant think I cant think. Chinese! Yes I have a recollection of Chinese fixing stress. I know she doesnt eat chinese anymore but this is a freaking emergency! I dont know how to fix it in the NEW Robin, I only know how to fix it in the OLD robin. HELP!!! OH MY GOD I DONT KNOW HOW TO FIX IT!!!!! Maybe the Chinese will still work, please God let the chinese still work. Or ice cream. Ice cream fixes everything doesnt it? I am a MAN I must FIX IT and I dont know what the new option is!!!!! "
Agree 100%. Need to fix things, plus not knowing what "new" option will fix things, equals chinese food and ice cream offer.
Since he's clearly trying to help but doesn't know how, can you think of something he CAN offer to do that will help? Instead of yelling back (or better yet, at a time when you're not so stressed that yelling is the only option that comes to mind), can you say "When I'm stressed, offering me junk won't help...but you know what will help? <Insert helpful thing here - rubbing your shoulders, offering to help write out place cards, etc>"
And this isn't just a man thing. We have two women in our household, and the urge to "fix" is strong. Each of us have lost over 100 lbs and we still make offers of "junk" when the other is stressed (but it tends to be "on plan" junk...like "How about I drive the half hour to your favorite salad bar and get you a really big salad for dinner, so you don't have to cook" or "let me make whole wheat panko-breaded chicken strips for dinner tonight, since those are comforting to you"). It's no fun to watch your significant other suffering, and one does tend to grasp at straws to find the thing that'll make the other feel better.
I too agree with ennay. I KNOW he was trying to help/fix/calm/soothe me - and he was using an old bag of tricks which just doesn't cut it for me any more.
And yes Mandalinn, I am well aware that screaming at him was not the best way to handle it. Unfortunately I was not in the right state of mind to tell him what would have *done it* for me, but I will tell speak to him about it when the opportunity arises.
Though he WAS trying to help/soothe/calm/fix me - there *may* have been a slight ulterior motive, or maybe just a case of killing two birds with one stone - DH has mentioned Chinese food to me around 1/2 a dozen times, maybe more in the past couple of weeks. He's wanting some. And he should go get him some. Me. I'm not interested. He goes out with his buddies every other week or so - I'm going to suggest that they do so in a Chinese restaurant.
Though Chinese food was one of my favorites back in the day, even when I plan in a splurge, it's NOT on that. It's as if I *just can't go there*. Too many bad memories. We have had it one time in the past four years and that was after an away weekend where I went waaaaay off plan and decided to continue the waaaay off-ed-ness.
And Glory, he DID offer me a massage, a back massage, probably an hour earlier when he saw how stressed I was becoming, but I was into punishing myself for some dopey reason and turned him down.
What can I say? Sometimes I'm just not all that bright. Cause' he gives a darn good back rub.
I am *losing* my three girls in less than two months and I really have no idea what to expect and that's probably causing me more stress than all of that other stuff.
