I'm not sure where to post this, and for the record I'm not maintaining yet. But I've lost enough weight that my body and self image have completely changed. I'm finding I have some big regrets about my former life as an overweight person. There are 2 major ones:

1. I was at almost my heaviest for my wedding. We have out wedding photos around the house and the serve as a great constant reminder of how huge I was and a good motivator to never go back there. But I'm very sad that I ruined the photos of one of the most important days of my life. Sure we can renew our vows and I can take some new stunning photos, but I can never redo my wedding.

2. I lost my 20's to being overweight. You're 20's are supposed to be that time in your life when you're young and vibrant and I wasted them being insecure and fat. I guess I can make up for it in my 30's, of course it's not too late, but my 20's are gone.

I know it's not healthy to dwell on these things, and I should be proud of how hard I've worked and how far I've come, but I still can't help be sadened by the 10 years of my life I wasted being overweight. Ok...pity fest over! Let's go work out or something!

Hi Ncuneo and welcome to Maintainers! We're delighted to have you join us and don't worry, no one has to be at their goal weight to post with us. Everyone's a maintainer from the first pound they lose.

I lost more than two decades to morbid obesity, along with both of my children's childhoods. It was like sleepwalking through 20 years of my life. If I could change anything, it would be to go back in time and not be the Fat Mom. So I know how you feel about losing your 20s.

But it is what it is and we are who we are. At least you grabbed hold of your life NOW -- long before I did -- and didn't waste another day! Every day of my life as a fit, healthy person is so very precious to me now. I cherish things that other people take for granted -- cute clothes, fitting into seats, just fitting in, being able to run up stairs and so on. Maybe we can say that obesity made us appreciate our bodies and lives now so much more?

Likewise, your wedding photos tell the story of your life and who you were. You didn't ruin your special day -- it's who you were then. And I'm sure DH adored you then, regardless of your size, and thought you were the most beautiful woman in the world. But I still have a hard time looking at old photos because of all the old feelings they dredge up, so I can understand how your wedding photos make you feel.

Just like with your wedding, we can't press rewind and go back and live our lives over again. I think it's normal to have regrets but we can't change the past. We can only go forward, treasuring every day in our new lives and promising ourselves that we'll never go back to where we were.

We're glad you're here with us and look forward to getting to know you!

Life is never wasted...

A wedding is never ruined...

I hope you feel better! You are doing so well.

Jay

Are you going to regret all the time spent thinking about your regrets? I dont mean that in a mean way, I mean I was similar until one day i just thought "well, people make mistakes and do things in ways that, in hindsight, they would do differently all the time. I've fixed my mistakes now. So no more regrets. Its time to enjoy my progress"

I've spent the vast majority of my life super morbidly obese (fat at 5, and morbidly obese in 4th grade).

After age 5, I've spent a grand total of about two years at an "almost normal" weight (in high school on prescription amphetemine diet pills).

I also met and married my husband at my highest weight (at his highest weight too). I'm not ashamed of either of us or our wedding photos. I damned will don't think we "ruined" them.

The important part of the wedding day was not how I looked in my wedding dress. I know so many people (now divorced) who would still be married, if they put half the thought, effort, and planning into their marriage as they did their wedding. I find it very sad when I hear someone say their wedding "was the happiest day of my life," (essentially meaning the wedding was the important event, and the marriage was all down hill from there).

My wedding day doesn't represent a peak experience in my life, it just marks a beginning of a new chapter in my life. When I look at the photos, I don't see an ugly, fat couple. I see a happy couple who happen to be fat (who might happen to be ugly to some people, but not to the people who care about us), which is all that really matters.

I've seen some pretty ugly wedding photos in my life, but I've never told anyone (or thought) "You should really put those photos away, you look really ugly in that photo," and I've never said or thought "You are too ugly to let anyone ever photograph you." Family photos aren't about making aesthetically beautiful artwork, they're about marking memories. I have family members (and or have been the family member) who's been the ugly one in the photo, whehter it be cross-eyed babies, ugly polyester pant suits (on men and women), unibrows, eyebrows plucked off and drawn back in an inch higher than reality would allow creating a "surprised" expression...

I feel that I should be ashamed of myself only if I become a person who is ashamed of myself or anyone else for not being perfect. I'm not going to regret or wish away my fat life, because it would ultimately mean wishing away ME. I think I'm a pretty fabulous person, and I shouldn't be wished away. I enjoy looking at photos of myself at all ages. I don't only see a fat, ugly child/teen/adult. I see a mostly happy child who happened to have been fat. Those photos would be different if I were thin (the person also would have been different) but regret is useless and shame is dishonorable (if I wouldn't be ashamed or filled with hatred if I saw a stranger in the photo, I certainly shoudn't be ashamed or filled with hatred seeing my fat self in those photos).

I do have regrets, but I refuse to dwell on them. I won't let myself be that kind of person. I was taught to be the best person I can be, and to spend the most effort on the things that really matter in life. I spent a lot of time trying to make a difference in people's lives (often neglecting my own needs). That was a mistake, but it doesn't deserve regret or shame.

No matter which choices you make in your life, you can waste time wishing you'd made others, but you've only got the time you've got. Work on making the best of what you've got now, and for the future, but the only way to stop dwelling on regrets is to choose not to.

I'm over 50 and I lost about two decades of my life to one thing or another. I know I'm waaay over 1/2 way done with my life and I'm making the most of every day I have left. I'm fit, healthy, active and I'm gonna keep going!

No days wasted on regret - too few left for that!

Dagmar

I can't improve on what the above posters have said.

For me, it wasn't as long or as encompassing of 'important' dates. I regretted my obesity more when I as in it than now, in my newfound maintenance.

I really only think of it to tell myself that I don't want to go back.

And to remember how my husband was wonderful about everything and never made me feel anything but beautiful.

I can get stuck in unproductive-thought loops myself, but I also have a very strong deny/ignore response. I can tuck the unproductive thoughts into a tight-sealing cubbyhole in my brain, so they don't leak out and make a mess of everything else going on in there. I don't really try to deal with the thoughts or analyze why I'm having them -- I just affirmatively decide to quit thinking about it. It may not be the healthiest approach, but it usually works for me.

But you know, if Kaplods could somehow transfer to the rest of us (Vulcan mind-meld over the Internet, maybe?) her self-esteem and general approach to life, we'd probably all be a lot better off. So I guess my best advice on this (and a lot of other things) would be, "Do what Kaplods says."

LOL, I'm flattered but I have to remind everyone that I'm not always Kaplods.
I'd also be a lot better off if I always listened to her.

I always tell people that the only difference between me and a person with multiple personality disorder, is that all my personalities communicate and are all named Colleen.

It's just unfortunate that we all get punished when one of the Colleens does something stupid - but it's great when we all get to benefit from one of us doing something kind, brilliant or wise.

I do think I cope pretty well considering only because I believe that the negative Colleens (such as the stupid, lazy, selfish, apathetic ones) are weaker and/or outnumbered by the positive ( intelligent, creative, compassionate, resourceful, motivated, industrious...) ones.




Another way to describe my life view is the native american legend/parable of the "wolves you feed." I guess it's not surprising that I'd identify with it because I don't just collect wolf stuff, I'm a wolf-fanatic. I don't even remember if I heard the parable first, or was hooked on wolves first - but here it is:



One winter’s evening whilst gathered round a blazing camp fire, an old Sioux Indian chief told his grandson about the inner struggle that goes on inside people.

“You see” said the old man, “this inner struggle is like two wolves fighting each other. One is evil, full of anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, deceit, false pride, superiority, and ego”.

“The other one,” he continued, poking the fire with a stick so that the fire crackled, sending the flames clawing at the night sky, “is good, full of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith”.

The grandson pondered his grandfather’s words and then asked, “So which wolf wins, grandfather?”

“Well”, said the wise old chief, “The one you feed!”

I tend to quote my Grandma a lot, for she was a very wise woman. She would often say, "No use in crying over spilt milk". Of course meaning it's done, it's over...can't do anything about it now. You can maybe cope with your grief of the past by not forgetting about it, and reminding yourself never to go back. 95% of the people who lose weight gain it back...use your regret as a reason to remain focused. Iconized Ghost has a good point...if you spend so much time regretting the past, you'll eventually regret all the time you spent regretting it. So simple, but so true. Move on, (don't forget) and smile about your new life.