Amanda - I haven't been maintaining nearly as long as you have and I know I have felt frustrated already about the 'forever' of it, wondering why I'm bothering with it. I have also had the 'why are you worried, you are skinny!' conversations with friends when I've talked about missing a day of exercise or gaining some weight back. From reading some of the other posts, I figure that happens to everyone. Like you said above, it just means that we are human, I guess. And, there is nothing wrong with a whiny, venting post. That is what this forum is here for - if you can't whine here, where can you? :)

You'll get back on track because that is who you are now. From reading your posts since I got here it is clear to me that you don't want to go back to where you started. You like the healthy person you see every day. You may sometimes resent the fact that you have to exercise more and restrict more items than other people around you, but I believe that at your core that resentment doesn't overpower your sense of accomplishment and pride. There may be some ups and downs and blips in the road, but you are on the path you want to be on.

Your posts have often talked me through blips on my path - thank you for that. Hopefully I'll be able to offer that same kind of support to you and to others here as I maintain longer and reach that same level of confidence I see in all of you.

:hug:

I'm totally there sometimes. But you are more disciplined than I am -- you are staying clean while I'll just fall off the wagon headfirst into the candy jar or the pie. I'm sitting right now at 3 pounds above redline, payback for holiday indiscretions. Because I'm so small, AND older, the best I can ever do is lose a half pound per week average if I stay POP, so that means it will take 8-6 WEEKS to get back to maintenance range.

I wish I were more disciplined to stay better on plan, so I wouldn't continue to go through these infernal mini yo-yos. I get frustrated because I exercise so hard and consistently, you'd think I could eat more, but I really can't. Well, I can eat more than I would if I didn't burn all those calories, but I still can never eat like all of those so-called normal people around me. But, then, I remind myself that I don't want to look like them either .....

I don't know if it will ever get easier, but I'd still rather be struggling to stay thin than be fat.

Ah...I can relate. I was almost at goal and got so sick and tired of working so hard to stay there, I gave up (take a look at my picture trail acct. kmac1196 for before and after and now, ugh). I had to give up all processed food. No sugar, salt, flour, wheat, gluten or yeast. It was hard but the only thing that worked. I , too, am sensitive to these things. And while I was putting back on weight, my thin friends or friends that can lose weight easily, would say things like, what's so hard, just stop eating junk and cut back on portions. I was working out hard 6 days a week cardio and heavy lifting and eating so clean...what the **** did they just say to me? Just cut out junk and eat less??? Ah well, the only advice I give you is there are more "normal" people that have to do what you and I do then there are "normal" people who don't. Your partner, my husband, seem to lose weight effortlessly. We do not...that's our cross to bear....it could be so much worse. I guess perspective is key...looking at people who have it worse rather than people who have it better, keeps me in the right frame of mind. And the second thing is, you are healthy and fit and active. That was your goal. The body is second to that. Would you be so critical of your partner or a friend if they had a more round hip or butt? I don't think so. Most of this battle from where you started to now and beyond, is mental....don't apologize for the rant...if you don't get it out and deal with it, you could be right back where you were...like me....80 pounds lost and back up needing to lose 104lbs.

And I need to add one more thing...when you were 295 lbs...wouldn't you have loved to be at 165? I'm sure your 295 lb self would be kicking your 165 self. I complained about 146...I was still jiggly in places and wanted to be in a solid size 6 not an 8. NOw.....I would love to be back there again....even to maintain there....to stay there for life....my 8's don't fit. My 12's , ****, my 20's don't fit!!!! Oh to be back there.......

:hug:

I don't have this come up so much with food. But I do have moods and get cross about things. So I can relate to what you're saying. Case in point: One day in 1990 I suddenly developed a shellfish allergy, specifically to clams. I cannot eat them now--not at all. I get very, very ill--it can be life threatening. But I loved clams, and sometimes I'll see something like a linguini with white clam sauce and just feel sad!

Another case in point: I don't drink alcohol. It's been so long that it essentially never crosses my mind. But now and then I'll see someone on TV quaffing a cold beer--or a waiter will walk by in a restaurant carrying a glass of red wine or a drink that I can smell... and I do have a moment's pang of DARN!

I guess my acceptance, like everything else, just isn't perfect! So, be cross! Grrr! It sucks! and then go on...

Jay

No fabulous advice, others have already provided the best words of wisdom.

I can relate to the resentment, though. But I try not to indulge too much in those feelings because really, there will always be people who have it easier (sometimes they are sleeping right next to you!).... but also people who have it HARDER. Much harder. Whenever I think my burden is just too much to bear and I get whiney inside my head I can easily find people carrying a MUCH heavier load, and that definitely helps to adjust my perspective.

Amanda, :hug:

In a long life, actively managing your weight, these kinds of feelings will come around. They will also go. I find it to be sort of cyclical. We also go through all kinds of physical changes, like Mel said. Pregnancy did a number on me, not to mention the different roles and responsibilities I have now as a mother. I have zero experience with the unique issues of PCOS, so if anything I say is irrelevant or even just stupid, please forgive me.

The feelings will pass. In the meantime, you can do a few things to help (some of these I'm lifting directly from my new Beck book and some are my own).

• Set a new goal to focus on. This could be a fitness goal (I usually pick some race to run), or a personal one, and work on that for a while. Sometimes maintenance gets stale for me because you stay (almost) in one spot, and getting some momentum going is good.
• Make a list of all the things you enjoy about being thin, and reflect on why what you are doing is worth some tough times.
• Make a list of all the crummy things about being fat, and reflect on why it is worth working not to be back in that situation. Note that while these lists have some overlap, for me they have some very different aspects to them.
• Make sure you are treating yourself well, getting enough sleep and good human interaction.
• Count up how much time it is actually hard. Is it 20 minutes after fixing lunch, and then forgetting for several hours, then maybe an hour in the evening, and a couple minutes here and there throughout your day? That would boil down to less than 1.5 hours in a 24 hour day--not so bad. Not fun certainly, but not overwhelming either. It is easy to lose perspective on that.
• Keep reminding yourself that other maintainers go through this and it will pass.
• Work on the unfairness thing. Yes, it isn't fair. But it just is. I found this one VERY hard to get past at first, but over the years, I don't dwell much on it. Sure I'd like to have a cookie/eat the entire pie/skip a workout, but if I want to stay thin, I can't. Oh Well. Worse things in life.
• Come here and post (you've got this one down!!). Help a newbie.
• Think about what you enjoy. E.g. I almost never ate blueberries before I started my journey and now I love them. I'm grateful for that.
• Finally, consider whether a change is needed. Situations and bodies do change over time. Perhaps it is worth moving your maintenance weight by a couple pounds to have that cookie 3 times a week, or not to add an additional hour of exercise, or whatever. One planned, concious step up in weight will not send you spiralling back out of control--it is the mindless, head-in-the-sand stuff that'll get you.

Hope some of that is useful. I do know that if you keep on keeping on, it'll get better.

Anne

P.S. I don't think you're being whiny. It is a real issue and good to figure out. No one is supposed to know it all, have it all down, or feel great about it all the time. This is where I come for that kind of support and ideas.

:hug:

I'm no maintainer myself, but I HAVE felt this way. "Why do I have to do this, no one else seems to be?"

I once read a short blurb in an article about what it was like to be an alcoholic who has been sober for years. Even this person (a woman in her 30's) would become frustrated as she went out with friends and while they could have a drink or two and control it, she couldn't. She got angry, and sad sometimes about it. Not about being sober, but about knowing that she would never be able to not think about it.

And I want to thank you for posting this. I sometimes felt whiny & a little selfish myself, just being cranky about having to eat baby carrots for a snack when my brain said I really should be happy about the loss I've made.

But we can't be happy about everything constantly. And I have to accept that regardless of what I think I should be feeling, that what I'm feeling is always going to be correct. And knowing that I'm not alone in my occasional whiny thoughts, especially when all the people I look up to go through the same things, it's such a comfort.

Maybe next time that I go through a bout of "why me's?" I'll remember that ya know what? It's okay to feel it, because nothing is fair. And the people I admire most on this board feel it sometimes, too.

I know its a lot easier to compare yourself to another woman than it is for a woman to compare herself to a man but everyone of us is different and each one of us has our own challenges. I have to say its hard to be married to someone who is skinny and eats a lot of calories, mostly healthy, but still a lot of calories.

I've been struggling for a year, hovering above 200 lbs but bouncing around the same 10 lbs over and over again. I know its a huge mental game and over the past couple months, I completely lost it. I felt sorry for myself for feeling like a blimp despite being 10 lbs above my lowest adult weight. I went home to visit my family and a lot of them hadn't seen me since I weighed around 260 and I have to say I got lots of compliments but I just felt like a blimp. I started running which somehow made me realized how much my weight sucked. Although running is easier today for me than it was a couple months ago, I feel my weight a lot when running. Then I got injured while running and that didn't help at all. So I ate... and ate and ate... Now instead of having to lose those stupid 10 lbs to get back to my low of December 07, I have to lose nearly 20. I've been majorly struggling with exercise as well.

Anyway, I'm slowly digging myself out of the bowl of self pity. How I am doing it is telling myself I'm worth it, telling myself I can't compare myself to my husband, telling myself that I can do it, etc.

One thing I've learned over the past 5 years or so is sometimes weight loss/maintenance is harder than other times. Sometimes we have a mental game we have to play with ourselves. We just have to work through those times and it'll get better. Do positive affirmations, lie to ourselves, do whatever we can to get through those times. One thing I do is I wake up every morning and tell myself that I will follow through today. It doesn't always work but it helps.

Amanda, I can totally relate to what you're feeling. :hug: I also wish sometimes that I didn't need to pack all these darn tupperwares every night, chop the veggies, wish that I could just leave the house and eat whatever food I find throughout the day like all these "naturally thin" people. Or those who say "well I went for a [20 minute] walk at lunch, I exercised today". Sometimes I really wish that was all the exercise I needed. And I have that feeling of struggling, often, so often that all that with all that I do to try to maintain my healthy lifestyle I'm still just treading water, not getting anywhere.

But I stop to think, what's the alternative? Am I just going to stop? I know that when I stop logging my food I eat too much - it's just the way my brain works - eat more food! Stop working out? I know how quickly I'll gain it all back, not to mention how tired I'll be if I start eating that junk again. And since that's just not an option, I figure I'll keep slogging along.

I do try to change up my routine, though, so it doesn't feel like the same old thing every day. It's easier with exercise than food. I try to go bike riding outside or kayaking (things that are very accessible to me) instead of just hitting the gym day after day. Or I go through my Oxygen magazines and find a different strength routine. Or... you get the idea. It's harder with food, after all, "changing up food" just can't mean stop prepping food ahead of time, for me. But I look through my recipe books and find new recipes or rediscover old favorites, make light dips for my raw veggies, little things to try to keep my food more exciting.

My inner two-year-old doesn't go for shoes. A few years ago she liked bikinis, but now she likes earrings (which grown-up Megan on a budget rarely indulges in), or purses, or an entire Saturday afternoon (gasp!) reading the new Nora Roberts novel. Go figure. Indulge your inner two-year-old.

And I do what others have mentioned too: double check with myself that I'm getting enough sleep, think if I've started/changed meds, think about what time of the month it is (even on BC I get crazy at certain times of the month), if I'm stressed out by something else, etc... Sounds like you're pretty on top of that though.

Finally, I just want to say that no one here will ever tell you, "shut up, you're thin." Because we all understand exactly what you're going through, and many of us have gone through similar things. I also find I don't have anyone who can understand me IRL. Thank goodness for this message board! Hang in there.

wndranne, excellent post.

And mandalinn, great thread! I will be printing it out when it slows down. So relevant and nitty-gritty.

Faerie, according to your sig, you ARE a maintainer, of a 108-lb loss! WTG!

Amanda, I would suggest talking to your doctor too. Even if you've never had thyroid problems before, they can pop up at any time in your life and are extremely common, so it doesn't hurt to get tested. You might also ask if there is anything they can do to help with the sugar highs/lows. The Wikipedia page for metformin says that it is used a lot for people with PCOS as well as diabetics because of PCOS's relationship to insulin resistance.

Other than the physical aspects though, I am with you on feeling bitter about my plan sometimes. My office constantly has lunch meetings, free food as thank-yous for various things, and other food-related activities. I sometimes feel like, why can't I just go eat pizza with everyone else, without worrying about it? I also feel guilty because it is partially because of me always requesting a healthy alternative that we always have Panera at our lunch meetings so that we can have a salad that isn't doused in cheese and meat. I know the guys on my team (hey, I'm a software developer, women are only 10% of the software employees) would much rather have pizza or something else. And honestly? I'd rather have pizza too. In fact, I would LOVE to have some pizza. But I can't, because according to my plan, if I ate pizza I wouldn't be able to indulge in anything else for the rest of the week, which means no "date night" dinner with DH and no desserts on the weekend.

Shannon - that's so sweet. :hug:

This has really been irking me lately. Thank you for the reminder that everyone goes through it.

This too has been a big, big part of my frustration. It's really, really nice to know other people feel this way.

Kmac - Good points. My partner, repeatedly, has been reminding me that when I WAS 295 lbs, I believed I'd NEVER be less than a size 12. That it was a biological impossibility. Now I'm an 8, and the 8's still fit (differently, but they still fit). I have to read my signature more often...sometimes, the scale does fib just a little.

Jay - I'm definitely still working on my imperfect acceptance. I'm wondering if maybe part of the current explosion is that I haven't let myself even SAY darn, ever? Interesting point to ponder...


Josephine - another good reminder. For every me, there's a me with MORE challenges to face.

Anne - I am printing your list and making a goal today to do at least three of the things on it. Thank you for providing me with positive ideas for action!

Faerie - :hug: I think part of the issue is that the people around me IRL are of the mindset that "You're thin, so all must be well". While we know here that isn't the case, if everyone around you is like "You must be so THRILLED" and shoots you down when you try to talk about the reasons you're struggling, it can make it feel like it isn't "right" to feel bad about some aspects of weight loss. Thank you (and everyone else) for the reminder that sometimes, it sucks, and while it isn't pleasant, it is OK.

Nelie - It is easier to compare myself to Sarah...same starting weight, same initial weight loss trajectory. But my body is not her body, and to be honest, my body has less FAT on it than hers does and is in better athletic shape, even though we weigh about the same. Thank you for the reminder that everyone cycles through this and it doesn't mean everything is about to fall apart.

Megan - In honor of the "change things up" suggestion, I'm making myself a different breakfast. Hey, it's a start. I also have majorly switched up my fitness routine (because my elliptical broke), so it's different and definitely more challenging. Sarah and I have also talked about getting in weekend fitness of some variety.

Again, I just want to reiterate how much I appreciate this. Because I'd been feeling rather alone in the whole thing.

Well, today after being OP yesterday despite my whining attack, the scale rewarded me with a .8 lb gain. Go scale! Sigh. BUT, here is what I learned.

It's OK to feel this way and everyone does, but going off-plan isn't an option for me.

I need to take care of myself in ways that don't revolve around food.

I need to remind myself of ALL of the (many, many) reasons why I do this, even when it isn't my favorite.

And MOST importantly, I don't have to think or even act like weight loss/maintenance is perfect and awesome 100% of the time. I think I've almost gotten into this weird "Weight Loss Role Model" role, both here and with family/friends. People IM me, email me, ask me questions, plus the Woman's World thing...and that is AWESOME, make no mistake, and I love helping people and don't want anyone to think I resent it, because I don't...but it puts me in a weird "Weight loss is awesome" cheerleader role that doesn't always mesh with what I'm feeling. I need to work on remembering that it is OK to be in a funk about it sometimes, even as I cheer others on.

Thank you all so, so much. I feel so much better and less alone in a sea of self-pity after this thread!

Paperclippy - Maybe I should get the thyroid looked at. But wouldn't that affect HR? I've been wearing the monitor for 5 days, 24 hrs a day, and my HR is I think pretty normal...still, a call into him might help. I work in software too (not code - I do functional specs) so I understand the being surrounded by men!

I can totally relate!! I'm in a funk right now about working out...I'm DOING it, but I hate the fact that I do it. Then the scale goes up from 137-140 or 141 and I wonder "Why on earth am I getting up at 6 am to ride a bike when it's not helping?!" Then it goes back down and I justify it by saying, "Well, I haven't had any gains, so I can slack off."

I don't, but it's always a thought. My problem has been getting bored with eating right while everyone around me isn't, and I've been pushing the limits too much, snacking on chocolate covered pretzels and things that I shouldn't be eating as much of at all.

Getting back on track TODAY. Grrr....