Hi maintainers!

I don't post much in this section, but I read every day and it keeps me sane

I had a situation come up that hasn't happened in the 4 years since I began this journey (almost to that mythical 5 year point!)

I ran into a girl I grew up with at a bar last night. I had not seen her since the day we graduated high school. I was about 200 pounds then.

I did not know her very well, but even though she ran with the "mean girl" crowd, she was a very nice girl. She still is a very nice girl.

Well, we were catching up and chatting away when I noticed that every few minutes she would make some self-deprecating remark about "what a fat a$$ she turned out to be". They were pretty awful remarks and it made me uncomfortable.

The fact of the matter was she had not gotten fat at all. She simply wasn't a lanky teenager anymore. She filled out. She's now a woman.

I just didn't get it. I have had all kinds of reaction from people and the crazy ones I usually find pretty funny, but this was really sad. It even offended me a little bit. I know we all get self conscious about our bodies, but she was the girl with the money, the car, the boyfriend, the cool clothes... I had none of those things. And I hated myself (ahhh, high school). Her life today is actually pretty awesome, too.

Did she feel that I could only be thin by her being fat? Was it just some messed up form of flattery? It really bummed me out because she's a nice girl, but the crowd she ran with (and still does) are very critical. One of them actually asked me how I could let myself get "that way" once. Again, ahhhhh high school.

So, what do you do in that situation? We are strange creatures if one's mere presence can exacerbate another's flaw. I was genuinely happy to see her and hope I do again.

Anyone relate?

Hey don't let it bug you, some people just do that. It's probably a kind of "fishing" she throws out the bait "oh, I'm so fat" and you are supposed to respond "you look wonderful!"

Hi Jen,

First of all, congratulations on the payoff to all of your hard work!

It sounds to me like this woman may have some self confidence issues. It's sad, but it's not your responsibility to save her from herself. IMHO, the best thing that you can do for both of you is just show her by example how to be healthy and love yourself. If you do end up seeing her again in the future, be cautious of how her negativity affects you. Otherwise, having a friend like you could do her a world of good

Best wishes!

Hi. I don't think it's about you at all. She's probably just very self-conscious now about her added few pounds.

I am sure it's not really *about* me, although it was clear that *I* made her uncomfortable, it was really a display of her own insecurity.

Thanks Glory and Penelope Hey, who doesn't "fish" in some way or another? The thing was, I responded several times that I thought she looked great and she didn't seem to have gained weight to me, but she kept on going... I'm sure we've all made a comment here and there about added pounds or whatever, but this was such a grand display of self loathing to someone she hadn't seen since high school. I just wasn't sure what to make of it Aside from all that though, she is fun and who knows? Maybe I have a new workout buddy?

hey jen,

I'm just wondering if it is possible that maybe she was actually in a roundabout way fishing for some tips on how you achieved your own weight loss? Did the discussion of your loss since high school come up (beyond 'Hey, you look GREAT!')? I find it strange that with so much information out there about healthy eating and healthy ways to lose that some people are still so clueless as to think that having a beer means they should skip dinner... but honestly, some people are truly clueless and have little to no knowledge or foundation for how to eat healthfully.

Perhaps she was hoping you would provide her with some inspiration or motivation by sharing your journey with her? I don't know... it's just a thought. There are clearly insecurity issues (and probably a little jealousy too). If the two of you decide to connect again and hang out, maybe you can talk to her about it.

At any rate, I agree with the others... you look great and I love your story - it's one of the most inspiring ones I've seen on 3FC. I'm sure you handled yourself gracefully and tactfully even though she made things a bit awkward with her comments.

I have a close friend that does this all the time. She is very insecure about herself overall and is constantly putting herself down (her weight is just one of the things she criticizes herself about). Clearly she wants reassurance that she's not fat, she's not stupid, she's not a bad mother... you name it, she needs reassurance about it. The problem is, though, that my reassurance is never enough. In the end, we all answer to ourselves and if we don't feel good about ourselves, no amount of reassurance from someone else will fix that. So no matter how many times I tell she looks great, is smart, isn't a terrible mother, she has to keep asking for reassurance. It's frustrating and sometimes I wish she'd just get a good therapist and work through her insecurity issues, but she is a really good friend in a lot of other ways so mostly I just deal with it. Since it doesn't really matter what I say, sometimes I just let her comments go and sometimes I "take the bait" and try to reassure her that she's fine.

I also get these comments a lot from casual acquaintences who notice I've lost weight. At first I was stumped by it because often times they do need to lose a few pounds. But I finally figured out that they really just want reassurance that they aren't overweight. Since then I've gotten good reassuring people that they look fine. I figure if they really want tips for weight loss, they'll ask for them (and some people do--but then when they realize I don't have a magic secret weight loss formula, they lose interest pretty quickly )

I'm not close to being a maintainer (yet!), but I hope it's okay if I throw in my 2 cents.

I am guilty of this type of self-bashing, and it is a knee-jerk reaction. I'm not fishing for compliments. It's more like I'm trying to let the other person know that I know I'm heavy and that I'm not happy about it.

When I see a friend who has lost weight, or hasn't seen me since I gained a ton of it myself, then I feel like I am being judged and I need to verbalize what I imagine the other person must be thinking. Kind of like beating them to the punch, or something.

I guess it's a way for me to show them that I am judging myself as harshly as I imagine that they are.

It just boils down to being insecure about how I look.

I suppose we are our own worst enemies, aren't we I just never would have thought, "wow she put on a few!" To me, everyone in high school put on a few, but only because I lost a few

It was just a little hard to react to. When I was heavy, I never wanted to talk about weight period. I just pretended I wasn't

"You look great! I'm a COW!"
"Really, you look amazing. I'm a huge FAT A**"
"You're so pretty. I shouldn't be allowed to eat!"