*The Darwin awards! You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so
without further ado here are the 2008 Darwin awards.
*Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
ran,' accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when
it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels tr ying to get him out but could not reach him.
It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into
the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who
said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth
and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a
hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer
and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew
their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by
Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge
cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.
Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at
2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to
see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was
closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the
middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the
midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee
rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around
Bingham's leg and the tied the other to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off
at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and
was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The
sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the grou nd where he struck his head on a rock as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It
seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'S**t happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES
FROM THE GENE POOL
, except the one about the elephant poo-ing his keeper to death is an urban legend that's been around for at least 10 years: 
