But on another topic here, the mention of poop brought this old story to mind. This actually did happen to someone and about the third time she told the story, I had to snag a copy of it. It's just too good to pass up.
> Several years ago, I was having a very serious constipation problem.
>
> Go ahead. Start laughing. I know you're probably saying "Oh God - don't tell
> me Carla has a story about constipation".
>
> No - I don't have a story about constipation. So there.
>
> I have a story about diarrhea.
>
> Now shut up and let me finish.
>
> Okay. Now...I took two Correctol - but nothing happened the next day (which
> was a Saturday). Sat on the bowl - nuthin's budgin. So much for the promise
> of "gentle next day effectiveness", right? I'm strainin - grunting. But
> there's no skid marks showin up in THIS bowl.
>
> I got off the bowl and start going about my day. In the middle of the
> afternoon, dh asks me to go the office with him as he had a new office and
> wanted me to help him decorate it and get some office supplies for him. I
> figured, okay. I'm plugged. Got a cork in it. If it hasn't happened by now
> (3:00) - it just ain't gonna happen. So I left and forgot all about my little
> "problem".
>
> When I got to the office, he gave me a list of office supplies he needed. He
> gave me his Office Depot credit card and said I wouldn't have a problem as
> "everyone knew who he was". Gee, Mr. Popularity I thought.
>
> So off I went, over to Office Depot with my daughter in tow.
>
> La la la la la. Strutting down the aisle of paper clips, legal pads.... la la
> la la la. Pencils, erasers.... la la la la la....
>
> Suddenly, I felt a gurgle in my stomach. "Oh yeah", I thought. "Perhaps that
> laxative is finally starting to work that gentle magic".
>
> I went to walk towards the women's room, but I'm starting to realize that the
> timing of my *** hitting the correct place to dispose of this stuff is not
> gonna synchronize.
>
> I'm thinking - "Oh....my.....GOD. I'm gonna....**** MY PANTS!!!!!!"
>
> I start to walk faster, but it's too late. Mt. St. Helen's starts erupting.
>
> Now - do any of you know the square footage of an Office Depot aisle where the
> ladies room is at the end? It's 2,300,500,577,888 square feet.
>
> I start walking faster and faster trying to prevent my sphincter muscles from
> allowing this mass eruption. The look on my face was that of pure horror -
> and my daughter notices the "stick-stuck-up-her-***" mode of walking.
>
> "What's the matter Mommy?" I hear her say...
>
> All I can say is "Oh my God, oh my dear God" as I go marching past her down
> this 2,300,500,677,888 square foot aisle with the smell of **** starting to
> waft through the air.
>
> Now - as I'm marching - the faster I march, the faster it starts sliding out.
> My daughter by this time is following me - and she KNOWS by the look on my
> face that things are not good. She also knows things are not good by watching
> the butt area in my pants beginning to expand.
>
> Now - I happened to have one of those tight pair of stirrup pants that you
> wear socks on the outside of -- so at least it didn't fall out onto the floor.
> It just went down my legs and into my socks. And here I am --- THANKFUL for
> this!!!!!
>
> I finally race into the ladies room - and I'm crying by this point. "Oh my
> God - I can't believe this is happening. Oh my God". Finally, my daughter
> comes in and says "Ewwwwww. Oh my GOD - Mommy - is that YOU that stinks so
> bad????"
>
> I say "Alison - if you even THINK about leaving - you will be the first child
> to DIE in an Office Depot bathroom. Now - get me some paper towels and GUARD
> THE DAMN DOOR and make sure no one else comes in here!!!!"
>
> She wets every single paper towel she can find and slips them under the door -
> then stands watch between the door and the ladies room.
>
> I attempt to take off my pants - but there's **** falling out all over. As
> many times as I said "Oh my God" - you'd a thought that He would have shown up
> in a VISION in that damn bathroom!
>
> I'm trying to wipe as best I can - but it's just not cutting it. All I'm
> doing is plugging up the toilet now with paper towels. I take my pants off -
> they are so gross, I can barely even think about handling them. My
> underwear? Forget it - in the sanitary napkin bin. My socks? Same place.
> My daughter is crying by now....
>
> "Oh my God Mommy - this is SO embarrassing. What if someone comes in????"
>
> You just say "Wow - must be a baby diaper in the trash can!" If you mention a
> word - you're a DEAD KID! Got me???"
>
> Sniveling - "okay Mommy....but I thought you didn't want me to lie".
>
> "LIE Dammit. LIE YOUR *** OFF!!!!!"
>
> Finally - I emerge from the stall, **** smeared all over the place - the
> stench totally unbelievable - and I'm attempting to rinse out my pants.
> They've got CHUNKS of **** in em.
>
> I didn't give a crap (hehehe) at this point. It's going down the SINK!
>
> Suddenly, Alison slams the door and stands in front of it - her face as white
> as a bottle of liquid paper. She shreeks "Someone's COMING!!!! A lady is
> COMING INTO THE BATHROOM!!!!!"
>
> "Well, DON'T LET HER IN!!!!"
>
> She starts to cry uncontrollably.
>
> I run back in the stall, my wet smelly *** hanging out, naked from the butt
> down with my ****-dripping pants in hand. I'm peering through the door jam.
> I watch the door open. In walks a young girl employee of Office Depot with a
> name tag. She says hi to Alison. Alison tries not to look like a deer caught
> in the headlights. She goes to the third mirror and sink (the **** is in the
> first one) - turns and says to Ali -
>
> Girl: "MAN!!!! What DIED in here????"
>
> Ali: "Uh....um....Well.... um"... then blurts as fast as she can "my mom had
> a bad stomach ache and just pooped her pants!".
>
> Girl: Silent for a second. Then, "Oh". Um.....well....really? Ummm...Maa'm?
> Do you ...need any....help?"
>
> Mom thinking: Okay, hmmm...I wonder what casket I should pick for her? Oh well
> not to worry, cause I'll be in prison and dh will have to handle the funeral.
>
> Mom instead says: "Oh no...Just a little diarrhea, that's all. I'm fine".
>
> Girl: Oh....okay....sorry. (Leaves VERY quickly).
>
> I come out of the stall - and Alison is hysterical by now. "I'm sorry Mommy.
> I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to say".
>
> "Awright. Awright. Quit your sniveling. We've GOT to figure out a way to get
> OUT of here without attracting attention."
>
> I put on my soaking wet disgusting smelly pants - (my underwear and socks had
> already been disgarded, leaving a nice surprise for the one who had trash duty
> that day) - pulled my sweater down as low as I could - and ran out of that
> damn store as fast as I could go. I did happen to notice that girl talking to
> a crowd of boys as I passed. They all had smiles on their faces.
>
> To make a long story longer, I immediately went next door to a KMart and
> proceeded to shop. I did notice however people sniffing the air whenever I
> approached and then moving slowly away. I just smiled.
>
> In all the history of shoppers, I'm sure I could have won a prize that day for
> the speediest K-Mart shopper on record. Socks, pants, underwear, shoes. I
> think it took 30.2 seconds. I made Alison pay for it while I hung out in yet
> another ladies room stall.
) >
> Alison just followed the stench and slipped the bag underneath where she heard
> dripping and saw a small brown puddle.
>
> I changed as quickly as I could, put the **** dripping clothes in the bag, and
> discarded every piece of clothing I had been wearing at the beginning of this
> little shopping adventure on the way out in the dumpster, including my shoes.
>
> As I was driving back to my husband's office, the only words that were still
> coming to mind were "Oh my God". I walked into my husband's office and
> immediately went into his rest room to "bathe" in the sink. He sees me with
> no supplies - no bags - and an entirely new outfit. Before he could even ask,
> I tell him the story - and I thought the man would hock up a lung laughing.
>
> I was so mad I lied to him. "HA! Glad to know YOU think it's so funny. But
> just so you know, I told them I was your wife on the way out and that their
> bathroom needed attention. I just can't wait until YOU go in there next week
> for supplies!"
>
> Shut him up.
