I'm Tired of Falling Apart
 

I guess that's really the only way to say it. I was in second grade the first time someone made fun of my weight and not much has changed in the 25 years since then. That's not what made me come here, though. I don't much care who makes fun of me these days. What I care about is getting healthy.

The biggest obstacle in my way is myself (har har har). I'm an addict in every sense of the word. I started sneaking food when I was nine. I graduated to drugs in my early 20s, but traded them in for binge drinking within a few years. In 2012, I passed out on my father's very public, very shared patio of his apartment complex and woke up there the next morning, so I traded in my binge drinking for food again. I was always fat (I haven't been below 300 pounds since middle school), but things are just out of control now. My highest weight was 520 pounds in 2013. I'm 458 pounds now, but it's taken me 2.5 years to get there because I keep sabotaging myself.

I started 2015 strong. I'd cut out fast food, soda, and most sweets. I still wasn't necessarily eating healthy, but I was making steps in the right direction. And then February 4, 2015, my best friend of 26 years (since first grade) unexpectedly died (due to weight-related issues, no less). What have I done since then? Cried a lot. Starved myself. Ate myself to the point that I thought I was going to die myself. Considered dying myself. Decided I didn't want anyone to have to move my dead fat butt.

I started 2016 strong, too. LCHF. And it worked (I dropped 15 of the pounds I've lost in the first two weeks of January). And then I sabotaged myself again. And every day just gets worse. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my friend's passing, and I am a mess. I have no support system. I have no friends. I have not left my house since two days before Christmas (and didn't even realize it until today) because everyone finds me an inconvenience (I don't drive and the people who keep offering to help me learn always bail when the time comes). I don't want to die, but sometimes I feel like it's the only way out of this mess.

Simply put, I'm 33 years old and I feel like I'm 133 years old. I haven't had a relationship in more than two years, I have no friends left, I do not go anywhere, and the only thing I've ever wanted in life is to be a mother, which I feel slipping further away with every passing year. This is my final cry for help. I am really hoping I find the support I need here because no amount of screaming or crying or begging has gotten my family to help me and I'm obviously not finding the willpower within myself yet.

I apologize for this incredibly emotional post. I don't really want to call it negative because I've done this once before (lost a large amount of weight) and I have hope that I can find the head space to do it again. I just need to know I have people in my corner.

Thanks for reading.

ameliaaaa - I've just popped in quickly but wanted to make sure you know you're being heard.

You DO have a support system now. It's right here :hug: This is truly one of the most supportive, non judgemental sites I've ever seen.

Next, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. The anniversaries of those losses bring things back in such a wave. I know it's tough. When you first lose the person you're in shock. After the shock clears, the memories can sometimes be staggering.

Surf the boards, find a group or thread that feels like a fit or interests you and jump in. You have started 2016 strong by coming here. There is a lot of experience and knowledge. You may well see someone with a similary story. People are following a wide variety of plans and some don't really have a set "named" plan.

Welcome!

Hello Ameliaaaa
 

Hi there Ameliaaaa,

I am also new here. I just want you to know that I read your post and felt all your emotions. You've really been through it. Here is a good place to start and I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I'm fed up of myself too. Weight gain for me causes more chronic pain. I need to stay slim in order to help my health condition.

So I'm wanting to lose about 56 pounds.

Message me any time if you need a friend.

Fraz :)

Hi amelia, welcome to 3FC. :hug:

Wow! I'm with you. I would love to be with you on your journey. I run in place on my diet, but never give up. I would love to succeed with you!

I get it. 100% get it. I think you are in the right place though. I'm happy to be on your support team!

Thank you everyone for the responses. It truly means a lot. :) Today was rough, but I did manage to get out of the house and get some movement in. I'm trying to decide what exactly my next step is, but I do know I'm ready to do this. :)

Hi, Amelia ~
Just wanted you to know sending you lots of ((hugs)) from across the miles. I may not totally understand and know the path you've walked, but I understand some of the pain you've felt, and I know how awful and debilitating it can feel. FWIW, I think it's brave that you opened up your heart to all of us on here. In return, I hope that you find friends here to build your own support system. Sometimes the "families" we need start out as strangers. :) Right now, I only post minimally on one thread, but I'll be looking out for you and feel free to message me!

I'm new on this site but I just felt that I cant leave the post without sending you a Hello, I think you're in the right place, surrounded with lots of people that feels if not exactly, pretty similar to you. I also would advice you to do some meditation everyday, it helps a lot to calm down your anxiety, and to help you to believe a little bit more in yourself by hearing your inner voice. Try with some guided meditation available in Youtube, or subscribe to a podcast. It doesn't need to be especifically about weight loss, any meditation will help you to build your self esteem.

Good luck in your journey. I'll keep an eye on you.

ameliaaa, welcome.

Thanks for sharing your story so we get the chance to meet you. I have no doubt that you can do this--I hope your desire for a better life carries you into a new way of eating, a new way of moving, a new way of taking care of yourself. This is a great place to be, and you will absolutely find encouragement and support.

It's great to have you here!

Hi Ameliaaa,

I am sorry for your loss and how hard this time of year is for you. It sounds like you are struggling through a lot, but I want to reflect back to you that in spite of all you face and have faced you are still fighting, still trying to move forward, getting up each day and trying in some way. And that mindset is the cornerstone of resilience. You are very brave to share your story here, and I hope your tomorrow is better than your today. You are a strong resilient woman, and we are here for you!!!