[marthamay]

Hello everyone.
I'm hoping this is the right place for me to be. Over the past few weeks I have read many of the stories posted in this forum and have found it inspiring. There seems to be some really supportive and good attitudes and advice - something I feel I need right now.

I'm having one of those days, where it hits you hard and painfully that you are not really happy in your skin. My self esteem has taken a huge dive and actually all I want to do is cry, but I feel so silly. I KNOW I am technically overweight, a little heavy, etc, etc - but most of the time I look in my mirror and think, yeah you are fine. I avoid cameras but today, at a child's birthday, a friend took a photo of me riding a miniature train with my 19 month old daughter on my lap. Admittedly, it's hard to look 'great' whilst riding a miniature train (yes, that does give me a little comic relief!) but honestly, I just looked revolting. I looked fat and bloated. My features looked lost in my face. It has shaken me. I don't know what is the truth - what I see in the mirror or what the camera shows.

I'm surprised with how I look. I wear a size 12, I weigh 146 lb, I'm 5"2. I'm on the very edge of being a normal weight - so why do I look so huge????? I'm sure it's not some sort of body dysmorphia - people are always asking me when I'm going to get around to losing the baby weight. Maybe it's that I'm a short *** and don't carry my weight well. I just don't know. What I do know is that I am NOT HAPPY with being that woman in the photo.

Anyway, I need somewhere I can come to talk about just how awful this feels. I don't want to discuss this with friends because I am ashamed about 'caring so much' and also, I really, really, REALLY don't want my children to hear me using self-loathing language. I want to give the best possible chance of growing up with a healthy sense of their own bodies. I listened to my mum hate her body my whole life and I don't doubt that it has effected me. But I do need somewhere I can be honest and take positive steps.

So I guess step one is to try to calm down the self loathing and work out how to make things better.

I'm already changing my eating habits and trying to get more active. In the last two months I have dropped from 152lb down to 146lb. It's a good start but I seem to have stalled a bit and my motivation is a little low. Hopefully, beginning to post on here will help me keep up.

I look forward to reading more of your stories and finding inspiration in your successes.

[Medeis]

Hi, congrats on the weight loss you have obtained so far, that is wonderful. I hope your journey to the weight loss you desire continues to be positive. Nice to meet you!

[LovesToTravel]

Hi, marthamay, welcome to the board!

I think I get what you're saying. I was never one to be photographed a lot so I had in my head for years pictures of myself back when I weighed around 125 or 130 pounds. Then a couple of years ago I saw a picture of myself around 150 and I cried! It was just...a bit of a shock, you know? A slap in the face when you're already not feeling so great about your body.

I too grew up with a mother who struggled with her weight and self-esteem and am trying to not fall into that cycle. Don't have any kids, but I can appreciate your motivation to not pass that crap on to your daughter.

Anyway, congrats on the weight loss so far and I wish you the best of luck with your continued efforts. See you around the board!

[Jacqui_D]

Hi Marthamay! Oh, I get you on what you're feeling! When I look in my home mirror, I don't think I look so bad or very heavy, but get me in front of a dressing room mirror or on camera and I am always shocked at how huge I look! Please try not to be so hard on yourself. If you are 5'2" and 146 lbs, you have a BMI of 26.7, and 136 lbs with a BMI of 25 is considered normal/healthy for you, so you are not far off! Congrats on the weight you've lost so far, great job! And now keep going! You can do this and you'll feel so much better when you do! Good luck!

[marthamay]

Thanks guys! Yes, 136lb doesn't sound like a lot to loose but it feels like a mountain to climb! Crazy I know.

Where is the best place on this site to keep a kind of personal journal of day to day stuff? I noticed that the blogs are currently disabled...

[Mad Donnelly]

Well, I'm much heavier and I'd love to be a size 12 but I hear what you mean about looking in the mirror and not really sure what you're seeing. Like I said, I know I'm fat but I still see "me" so it's never bothered me. I just would like to fit in clothes better and see what happens.

[Mrs Snark]

Welcome marthamay!

First, I love that you rode on a miniature train and then used the word "whilst" in your post -- we should be friends, sister, you're awesome!

You've come to the right place, lots of us here struggling the the same issues. And one bad photo doesn't mean a thing. Just saying! Personally, I take bad photos all.the.time -- that's what scissors (and delete buttons) are for!

But of course, if you feel like you look revolting that's your reality and it stinks. We are all very critical of ourselves and that's something I'm working on also. Anyway, there is great advice and support for you here as you continue on your journey -- and you're already kicking butt!

I don't know about the blogs here anymore, but you can easily get one at Blogger.com, they are really easy to use!

[Mad Donnelly]

I look in the mirror and I don't see "far person" but what I see in pictures is. But I've been wondering where what I've been losing is coming from because I don't see it or feel it. But today I saw it. It's not, of course, around the middle (altho there must be some). It's from my legs. Well, fine, but it already looks kinda saggy (ick, but, then again, it'd look better if I shaved my legs, IYKWIM). But skinny legs with a still-large stomach doesn't make your clothes fit better and that's what I want and also makes that large stomach that will be the last to go look even larger.

I would also like to see a "skinny" face in pics.

[marthamay]

Well thanks for all the Welcomes.

I've been thinking about my goals. I think having mini goals will help keep me motivated. So here goes...

Goal number 1 - out of the 140's. 4.4lb to go

Goal number 2 - get within healthy weight for height range 136lb
(no longer technically overweight!) 7.4lb to go

Goal number 3- Out of the 130's. 14.4lb to go

Ultimate Goal - 125lb 18.4lb to go

I've chosen 125 because it's the weight I was when I was 24 and it fits neatly into my healthy weight range. I remember when I was 24 I thought I was too big...I think this time I will really appreciate 125! Maybe I will reevaluate when I get there, or maybe I'll just be happy with it.

Once I get to 125 I will have lost 28lb in total. that's 2stone. It will take me a little lower than pre children weight.

These are the things that motivate me to lose the weight:

1) I want to feel healthy and strong.
2) I don't want to have to buy more clothes. I want to fit into the ones I have packed at the back of my wardrobe
3) If I do buy more clothes, I'd like them to be a size 8-10 rather than a 12-14 (Australian sizes)
4) If I ever have a third child, I want to feel physically recovered and strong enough to cope with another pregnancy and another baby.
5) I don't want to avoid the camera and have no photos of myself with my beautiful children growing up.
6) I want to feel attractive to my partner. I know he loves me but I want to feel confident about my body. At the moment my weight effects my libido/confidence.


I'm really motivated to at least meet my first mini goal (under 140) in the next few weeks because I'm off travelling to San Fran in the USA and then on to the UK to stay with family for xmas. Desperate to feel a little more confident and not have everybody think 'oh dear, she hasn't managed to shift the baby weight has she.'

Even if I don't quite make those few pounds before Dec 6, every single lb lost will make a difference.

I am not eating sugary foods at all, exercising 3-4 times at the gym per week and have just this week started experimenting with intermittent fasting.

I know that compared to many people on this board I don't have a whole lot to lose, but I do feel really rubbish where I am at right now and seeing other's success on these boards is a really big inspiration and motivation. 2 stone is not a walk in the park when you are a complete shorty at 5"2!

so wish me luck...here we go....

[Jacqui_D]

I think you have a great plan and mini-goals! Although 3FC no longer supports new blogs where you can keep a journal of your progress, check out the Featherweights Support Group sub-forum: http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/featherweights-197/. They have a daily weigh-in thread and a chat thread each month, among others. You are certainly a featherweight so you'd fit right in! Good luck!

[marthamay]

Thanks Jacqui D I was wondering about how I could keep a sort of daily progress thing here. I'm so disappointed about the blogs! Featherweights is a great subcategory. I'm going to give it a go.