[MissEmily]

Isn't there just nothing worse than that moment you think you look super hot and sex-goddess-esque, and then you see that one specific picture and you're like, I'm sorry, when I did become part of the Elephant Seal family?

I've been a "bigger girl" all my life - I've never known any different and I've always assumed I would be like this forever. And I've struggled a long time between "I'm miserable looking like this. I'm gross and awful and look like a manatee" (totally normal and healthy thoughts for a young girl right?...right?), and "you know what? I'm owning this. I look good. I've got hot porportions and I don't need to be a twig to be sexy."
As of right now, I'm somewhere in the middle.

Either way I feel like I'm wrong - the negativity is clearly getting me no where. I'm 22, engaged, oh so happy and the self-digust thoughts aren't really making any pounds magically drop off, weirdly enough. But I also feel like when I legitimately feel good about myself - it's like I'm trying to justify being overweight by claiming I like myself the way I am. Which I shouldn't.

Does anyone else ever just step on that snarling, biting, terrifiying scale, stare at the too-high number and just think, "what's the point? I've done this much damage already"?

[LovesToTravel]

Welcome to the board, MissEmily. Congrats on your forthcoming nuptials and I wish you the best of luck with your efforts!

I can't speak to all of your experiences, but I understand walking that line (or swinging back and forth across it wildly, depending on the day) between self-love and self-loathing. Our perceptions of ourselves, as women in particular, are often pretty distorted and society pushes us to try and attain what are often unrealistic, if not downright impossible goals. It sucks mightily.

[Jacqui_D]

Hi MissEmily! Oh yes, many of us know what it's like to think we look pretty hot then to think we look downright awful. Losing weight can't solve all of our mirror issues--we're always going to have something to complain about--but it can help to some extent and it can make us healthier. Obviously, as much as you want to accept your higher weight, it's not sitting well with you. That happened to me too. I wanted to accept being fat. I got to eat whatever I wanted. I didn't have to exercise. My hubby didn't seem to mind the excess weight. And on many days, I thought I looked really good. But no matter how hard I tried, I never really felt like myself. I was embarrassed that I had let myself go so badly. Plus, the older I got, the more I felt the weight on my joints. No amount of rationalization was going to convince me deep down that I was meant to be heavy. So here I am again, and as a matter of fact, just today, I am down to the same weight I was 4 years ago when I fell off the weight loss wagon. This time, however, I'm going to do this, and so can you! Just go for it! Good luck!

[da1sygirl]

We have very similar stories Emily and are very similar in age - also Michigan is borderline with my city! I've definitely have had the same thoughts as you - especially thinking I look super hot then I see a picture and want to barf. I call it reverse anorexia. Typically an anorexic looks in the mirror and see's themselves as fat when their not.. I look in the mirror and see myself as skinny, but I'm fat.

Congratulations on the pending nuptials!

[ILoveVegetables]

Hi Emily, welcome to the forums

Like you, I've been bigger all my life (I'm 23 now), so I don't even know how it feels to be even close to slim, and like you (and most women, I assume), I have alternate days of loving and hating myself. But ever since I started making an effort to change my habits and become more healthy, I've noticed that the days of loving myself have increased and the self loathing has decreased. I think that when you make a decision to take care of your body and your health, you automatically feel better about yourself.

Also, I thought the same thing you did, that maybe I had done too much damage to my body to ever change, but that's where I have to thank the Goals forum on this site, where people who have reached their goals have posted their stories. It's super inspiring for me, and whenever I think I can't do this, I go back there and it gives me the glimmer of hope that I crave

[MissEmily]

Hi ladies

Thanks for the hellos and positive energy! I've never used a forum like this before but I definitely see the value in it - not every day you meet with hundreds of people who share the same struggles as you (that you don't necessary discuss with very many people on a day-to-day basis!)

Looking forward to getting to know everyone & thanks again!

[marthamay]

I've just come on here for the first time for the exact same reason! Today left the house feeling sexy and confident, only to have someone send me a photo taken during the day where I looked just revolting - barely recognised myself....I just can't imagine that what I see in the mirror is such a delusion!!! How can it be!?
Anyway, it was a coincidence to read your post. Makes me think I'm probably in the right place.
Good luck on your journey. I really like what ILoveVegetables said about the good days increasing and the self loathing days decreasing...that's what I'm after.
Maybe one day we'll look at photos and think, damn, how hot am I!
Good luck.