Well, here I am, back again and I'm such a disappointment to myself and my family. I came here and got support from all of the wonderful people in 2009. From June 1, 2009 till Jan. 2011 I lost 122 lbs. I felt wonderful, full of energy, life was good. Then I hit a plateau for 4 months. During which time I cut my calories from 1700 to 1400 joined the YMCA and took 2 classes and swam an hour and worked with weights daily. I still didn't lose any more weight......and YES, I still had plenty to lose, like another 50 lbs.! So, with that and my frustration at not losing more...........AND the excuses and lies I let myself start believing, the weight started to creep back. Nothing for the first couple of months, then a bit here, a bit there and before I knew it (2years) BAM all of the weight was back...........plus some Oh, the disappointment in not being stronger, of lying to myself, of failing and not working my plan.......ALL of that hard work down the toilet. I thought I had conquered my eating disorder, had all of the tools and worked them........that is till I hit the proverbial "wall". I'm so frustrated that all of the diversions that I had set up for my triggers.....stopped working when I stopped working them. That's the hardest part, admitting that......I STOPPED WORKING THEM. Now I can't seem to find the mind set to get back to work......to stop killing myself with food, to love myself. I find it hard to stand, to walk, to breath........to have sex........to do ANYTHING!!!! Here I am, feeling like crap......no, not having a pity party, just stating facts, so you'd think I'd be able to just jump on board with my clean eating and exercise, but no!!!!! And of course there are other personal family issues going on to add stress ( I am NOT blaming my weight gain on this ) that makes it that much harder, because seriously, all I want to do is live in a bowl of mashed potatoes and lots of comfort food. God, give me the strength to say no to my spoiled inner child, to work on healthy habits and to get my head hunger undercontrol.

I can sense how devastated you are. I have been in the same boat quite a few times.

Can I ask, In the midst of all these intense emotions that you're going through, how are you supporting yourself? What are you doing to take care of yourself and your body so that you will be able to push through these challenges and come out the other end stronger and wiser?

Life is full of challenges and at the end of the day, if you don't support yourself, who will?

This is not the end, life is journey, it keeps going, it keeps changing.
Now is what matters, not what has been.

I believe in you.

I saw your posr and really wanted to give you support. I have a history of lose n gain, and have thougt my ED was in control as well, only to slip back to old ways when I get comfortable enough and think i'm "cured" and stop the routines that keep it under control. Unfortunately with ED, i think most of us, regardless of which ED we suffer from, will spend the rest of our lives with it waiting to take over, so we are never cured, only in remission. So we must never let our guard down. It sounds like a burden and it is. But once I realized this was going to be something I'd have to deal w/ the rest of my life, it got easier. Its a disease thats never going away.

I know how awful it feels to end up back where you started. It does feel like all that hard work is wasted. If it helps any, try to think of it as though you now have experience in what works for you to lose weight and live healthy. Yes, ideally, we should stay there once we reach goal, but sometimes that doesn't happen. Sometimes life gets in the way. And its not an excuse, but a sign to yourself that you are not done learning how to cope with life without using food. Its a sign that you are not done healing. And when you lose the weight again this time, you now know that you need to take what you've learned about eating/weight management and expand it so that it includes strategies for the hard times. I am working on that as well. I too, regained weight during very hard times during my life, and realized that this meant I had a lot fo work still to do. Sometimes I tell myself, when I feel that some weight gain through a rough patch is "ok" or that I should allow myself the slack to gain a little because I'm stressed...I tell myself that many many people faces stress everyday, and many do it without putting on weight. I remind myself its not "ok" to reach for food anymore than it is to start drinking heavily or to start (or resume) smoking, or a drug habit to deal. Sometimes that helps me to not allow myself to slip into poor eating habits during stressful times.

Forgive yourself. I know its frustrating that you have regained. I feel that way now. I'm back at my high weight. But you have to tell yourself that there's nothing you can do to go back and change what is done, but you can change the future. But it starts with forgiving yourself. For me, I noticed dwelling on feelings of failure lead me to continue to eat poorly because I start to feel like "why bother?" or "i'm a failure anyway"...

You're back here, so that is the first step. And finally one thing about losing the weight a second time is that you've done it before, you know you can do it, there's no doubt. So you can do it again, and you know how this time.

Welcome back

First of all, you are not a disappointment. You may have done something that is disappointing but you are not a disappointment. I know it's hard to deprecate the two, but failing at one thing doesn't mean you failed at everything in your life. I am quite sure that there are many many things you succeed at on a daily basis. Make a list of those things, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, look at it and add to it daily!

I go through the same self loathing and same self abuse on a fairly regular basis. I have found that recognizing the pattern and focusing on the positive helps. I also have been learning to live in the feelings, especially the bad ones. If I feel like eating my feelings, I stop and let those feelings come before I take a bite. Sure sometimes they are uncomfortable. But they never last very long and I always feel better in the morning when I get on the scale And there is no gain. The same can be said for happy feelings. I eat my feelings, good or bad. Slowly but surely I am learning to live with the feelings and all of the life that goes with them.

You are on the way, you came back and admitted where you stumbled. You can do this!

You are not a disappointment at all! I've been there too. 2 years ago I was at my lowest in years, almost under 200. And then I had a job change that I hate (and still hate) at work and started school. I too thought I had my binge eating under control and had solid healthy habits. But the stress of work and school caused me to gain back between 30 and 40 lbs, depending on the day. I kept trying to get back and would gain and lose the same 10 to 15 lbs. For TWO years! I'm finally getting back on track and have been consistant and have broken past those stupid pounds I kept gaining and losing.

It's hard. I get it. I really do. I was just so mad at myself for not getting things under control sooner. But I'm doing it now and that is what matters. You're getting back on track now!

You can do this.

I also gained back some of the weight I lost, once I started a new job.

I wonder, for some of us, maybe we should focus more on how we Feel and not the number on the scale. I think to hit a plateau is the body's chance to catch up with itself, and it's not a Gain, it's a plateau.

What's really different fo rme now is that I want to Feel better. It's not the weight, it's how I feel.

You are NOT a disappointment, you are a human being. Very simple. Get back on your track and be kind to yourself.

You are not a disappointment - to start with, it takes a lot to recognise where you are and to even contemplate starting again - well done you. You've done it once, so you can definitely do it again and you will.

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You lost 122 lbs over a year and a half which is a great, steady (and enviable!) weight loss. I'm not surprised that you got to 18 months, hit a plateau and got burnt out; it is really hard to maintain the level of motivation and dedication that weight loss requires for that amount of time. I have only lost 55 lbs in 20 months, but the number of times I have given up and had to start again have been numerous and the idea that it could take me another year or so to lose the last 32 lbs regularly seems insurmountable and impossible. Reading your weight loss story is an inspiration to me!

Just work on making it through one day at a time, and try to build yourself gradually back into your good habits. Focus on supporting yourself and remember that you are strong enough to do this. You can't sustain yourself through the rollercoaster of weight loss without an enormous amount of willpower and drive - it sounds like yours has just come back. Good luck

Hugs bigmomma!!!

You are not a disappointment. Weight loss is hard, maintenance is harder. You are not the only person who lost weight, hit a plateau, lost hope, and gained. I did it too, so did so many people here. And a lot of them managed to do it again, and this time, they were ready for that plateau and when it came they kept going. Their stories give me confidence that this time, I will beat this thing.

You and I know that that plateau is the most dangerous time. And we've learned, the hard way, that if we slack off it won't be a case of maintaining at a lower weight but gaining it all back. I'm going to be smarter this time, and you will too!

And this is not your fault, ok? We are surrounded by a toxic food environment. All our food is designed to cause us to overeat. The TV plays constant commercials for terrible food. Even our families offer it to us, not realizing the dangers. There are pitfalls everywhere we turn and it wasn't weakness that caused us to backslide, we just underestimated the dangers.

And once we got caught up again, it's so hard to get back. It looks like you didn't gain all your weight back. I did, I even gained back more. I tried for over a year and a half to get back on track, every day planning to start the diet, and eating badly by evening. Day after day.

But I finally got it under control again and I've been doing great ever since. You are back and you are going to do it again, I believe in you!

Keep trying I'm sure you'll make it! And you are not disappointment!

Hi bigmomma! BACK! The most important thing right now is that you are back. You have not given up on yourself. You want to get back to healthy living, even if you don't immediately feel up to it. It's still what you want for yourself, so it's time to do it! It doesn't matter now that you lost and regained. What matters now is your journey forward, and the good news is that you have some invaluable experience behind you which can only help you to succeed. I'm really proud of you. You are not a disappointment. You are an inspiration to anyone out there like you, who is reading this and wishes they could have your courage in jumping back up on the wagon, because you know that's where you need to be. A year from now, you can weigh what you weigh now and feel like you feel now, or you can weigh a whole lot less and feel a whole lot better. Either way, the year is still going to pass. That part isn't going to change. The journey starts now! Good luck! So happy to have you back!