It's time. Long, but I need to get it out there.
 

When I was little I was very fit. I spent my summers running around my small town, high in the mountains only taking breaks when my parents forced me to. Five hours per day at the swimming pool, four hours playing, one hour of lessons. In fact, one summer none of the neighborhood parents could drive us to the pool, in a town ten miles away for our lessons so we hopped on our bikes and got ourselves there. In a five minute bike ride from our house we could explore a giant ravine or get lost in a 10 square mile area covered in volcanic boulders.

Eventually I had to move to the city, and I became the victim of merciless bullying that went on for three years. I think it was because I was from a single parent family, living in a two bedroom apartment in the sketchy part of town. But we went to a wealthy school. I was the poor kid going to a rich school. I shopped second hand, which gave me fashions five or six years old. I had no friends from 6-9 grade. I comforted myself in schoolwork.

In the middle of 8th grade I got dropped out of the gifted program. Why? The only reason I can think of, and the more I learn, the more convinced I am right is that I was a poor kid. Can't have one poor kid bucking all the research saying they don't stand a chance, can we? I comforted myself with brownies and Doritos.

Ten years later. I actually keep a notebook of all the things that kids said to me during those three years. Yeah, I kept a notebook, and I can't bring myself to throw it away. I've tried. But I always go dumpster diving before garbage day. When I'm feeling depressed I read the stupid thing. I really should get rid of that.

Anyway, I graduated summa cum laude from college, I have a successful career, and it's time for a change. I've been overweight since I was 13. I've never been skinny, or even fit always the fat one.

As of right now, I've never been on a date that I did not initiate or was set up on, which is weird in my more traditional culture (small town LDS), oh and I'm 25 years old and I have high blood pressure. I need to do this for my health, I need to do this for my self esteem, and I need to do this for me.

Welcome to 3FC. You can do this. I think that it us time to throw the notebook away, or at least stop reading it. Hugs.

I completely agree with MablesGirl. Please do yourself a favor and make that notebook a thing of the past. What possible purpose does it serve?

And welcome 3FC. You're a strong person; graduating summa cum laude is not an insignificant feat, and it shows that you're capable of accomplishing anything you wish. So think about weight loss as a similar challenge.

By hanging on to that notebook you are letting those bullies, who have been out of your life for some time, hang on to all the power.

Let it go.

:wel3fc: And I agree... get rid of the notebook. "Soaking" in a hurtful past is not a positive step.

Welcome and good luck on your journey!!

My son was bullied in school and we've done everything we can to build back his self esteem. He's working on it and I am hoping he does not have a lot of long term baggage. I was abused as a child and have had a lot of counseling, so I will tell you to SHRED that notebook. You don't need it as a reminder. I'm sure you will not forget what those horrible bullies said to you. The thing you need to know is they did that to make themselves feel superior to you. By you re-reading their words, YOU are giving them power still. You need to take control and you already know that book needs to go. Do not throw it away, destroy it, burn it or shred it. No second chance or going back for it.

You've taken the first steps, no continue taking control. No one else can.