Nervous but excited...
 

Hi everyone :)

I'm really anxious about writing this (in fact, I'm really anxious about posting on the forum at all) because I'm not used to talking candidly about my weight to anyone. My name is April and I'm from Australia. I'm a 21 year old studying to become a Primary school teacher and/or a Special Education teacher at university.

I have always been fat. Even as a baby, I was bigger than what was considered 'normal'. It only got worse as I got older, no matter how many exercise plans my teachers put me on, no matter how many fad diets I tried, no matter how many gyms my mum and I signed up for. NOTHING worked long term. Sure, I lost 10 kilos here, 20 kilos there, but it always came back (plus an extra 10 or 20). Sometimes I feel like I missed out on the most important aspects of childhood - children are meant to be carefree and happy and aren't supposed to worry about anything serious. They shouldn't feel such a crippling pressure to change how they look. I never got to just be a kid - I was always dealing with people (family, teachers, doctors, dieticians… the list goes on) trying to 'fix' me.

When I was 13 years old, I had a lap band surgery done - I was one of the youngest in the country to have ever had it at that point. It was a long, gruelling process involving a LOT of doctors appointments, hospital visits, therapy sessions, and testing. My mum (who also battles with her weight) had it done years prior and achieved enormous success and everyone involved thought I would have similar results. I ended up losing maybe 10 kilos (22 pounds) and most of that was lost during the 'liquid diet' I had to go on after the surgery while I was healing. And that was it. It was one of the most heart breaking experiences of my life. I was just as hungry as I had ever been, but whenever I ate, my food would get stuck in the band and create a blockage rather than a feeling of fullness, and I would be left in pain unless I threw it back up. The problem with that was that I have a huge, HUGE fear of throwing up and thus did absolutely everything in my power NOT to do so.

The result was that during almost every meal I would have to stop eating after a few bites so that I could lock myself in the bathroom (sometimes for hours) trying desperately not to vomit while often crying because it made me feel so anxious and uncomfortable (and it was also quite painful). That lasted for years, until I was 18 and had it taken out because I just couldn't handle it any more. The surgeon performing the removal procedure suggested I try stomach stapling instead, but I decided that I wanted to do this 'cold turkey'. I realise now that my attitude towards my weight, food, and exercise needs to change before my body will follow suit. But I think I am finally ready.

At the start of 2013, I reached my heaviest - 130 kilos (286 pounds). Since then, I have begun trying to eat better and have begun VERY lightly exercising. I am now at 124.3 kilos (274 pounds). Ultimately, I want to reach 75 kilos (165 pounds) but I know the journey will be long and I will need a lot of smaller goals a long the way.

I want to lose weight and I want to be happy and I want to feel good about myself. I have absolutely no confidence and I want that to change. I want to be the best teacher I can be, but I can't see that happening while I'm too embarrassed of my body to even stand in front of a class. I have never had a job because I am just too anxious and self conscious - and the thought of telling someone my size when getting a uniform makes me want to die. I have never had a boyfriend or even been kissed. I have a good group of close friends but none that have been made post high school because I am just too shy to talk to new people. I feel like I have so much to offer the world and my weight is the only thing holding me back. I don't want to let it hold me back any more.

Let's hope this is my year :)

:welcome2: To You!

I am so sorry for all the pain you went thru during the time of the lap band. Gosh that was so intense for you. But here you are! Yeah.. You are doing it yourself and GOOD FOR YOU! Being here on this forum too, is a big time help. Lots of Info, Nice Nice people, Stories and thoughts so that you know you are not alone with this trip and journey. You have started a life getting healthier. You have decided. :congrat: :hug: Be proud of yourself!

Welcome! I'm like you in that I have social anxiety due to my weight. I have no friends (unless I can count some family members as friends). It sounds you have been through a lot at such a young age. I hope you find great success! I'm still pretty new here, but you will find man caring compassionate people here.

Hi April, we have about the same to lose, and we can do it! Everyone is just so supportive on here, just one day at a time and we will get there!

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. I was really anxious to even check the replies because it's so ingrained in my head that discussing my weight will bring nothing but shame and cruelty from others. I'm so grateful that I now have others who understand my experiences and worries :)

So far I've mostly just been calorie counting. I've slipped up a few times, on friends' birthdays and such. But I don't want to be so strict that I can't have a nice dinner on a special occasion every now and then.. at least not this early into my journey, at least. I also started doing some mild exercise, but that has sort of come to a halt now. Exercise is my biggest hurdle, honestly. I know that will make all the difference but I just can't get myself to do it regularly. Hopefully that will change as the weight starts coming off and I start feeling less tired/exhausted when I work out?

Welcome and good luck on your journey!!!