3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

Hey everyone.
I have a long story as I am sure others do.
I sit here, 6 years after first signing up for this site and countless others, at the highest weight I have ever been. I just want to smack myself and be like "what the heck is wrong with you??!" There are definite underlying emotions like fear of loss, fear of failure, insecurity, dysthymia, mild PTSD and maybe even a fear of success. I am envious of those who have a clear goal in their minds and are able to pragmatically achieve them. I have a long history of horrible diseases in my family and I am only 28 years old, and I know I have set myself up for a horrible future. I have lost and gained literally hundreds of pounds. I am currently 240lbs and thoroughly disgusted with myself. What has prompted me posting this message tonight is the sudden onset of severe lower back pain with no prior injury or ailment. I imagined myself bedridden due to my own fat and becoming even more obese and decided to come here and make this post. Right now I have a black cloud in my head full of scary thoughts and justified fear for my future. I am open to answering any questions.