3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

Hi, I'm Siobhan. I'm 31 and live in Glasgow :)

This post is entirely too long.

I've wound up here through google several times, so I figured, where's the harm in joining?

I grew up thinking I was huge, from about the age of 10 (when I admittedly looked a little chunky). I followed my mum onto a raw food only diet until I looked like a stick figure. I put all the weight back on again. Around age 12/13 I started skating, soon enough I was doing speed skating sessions of 2-4 hours, 3-4 times a week. As a teenager, I was fit. I still thought I was enormous, and enormously ugly. I always got picked last in gym because I'm introverted and not hugely into the group activities thing. It never occurred to me that I was actually really fit and healthy, and at a consistent 8 stone I was hardly fat. I had a bad relationship with food and became a very emotional eater, but I just burned it off because I was skating so much.

When I was 16, I stopped skating to concentrate on my Higher exams. By the time I left school at 17, about 8 months later, I was TWELVE STONE. I'd put on 4 stone in 8 months and hated myself. After school I worked for a year before uni and started WW. Went down to 9 stone and looked pretty awesome.

When I got to uni, I contracted glandular fever within the first 2 days and my first year was a write off. I really hated myself now because I'd put all the weight back on and was failing on my course, and was in a pile of debt.

By the time I dropped out of uni at 21 I was still 12 stone, where I sort of stayed via 10 stone through various diets, rules, anything I could do to beat myself up for what a worthless piece of **** I was.

12 stone remained my normal weight and I was never happy with myself. I couldn't wear the clothes I liked, nothing ever looked right, I was completely unfit, it just became a way of life. I still see skinny people, and other people, me being one of the other people, as if it'll never be any other way.

After being made redundant at 27, my career going down the toilet, realising I was in the wrong career all along, even more debt, long periods of unemployment, long periods of depression, a year long bad (TMI) experience with the depo shot, and a nervous breakdown, I was 210 the last time I weighed myself, so...

(sorry this is so long, it's a bit of a catharsis to admit it's actually a problem)

I am never dieting again! I've decided not to use diets as a stick to beat myself with any more. I'm seeing a counsellor and realising as I'm not as useless as I've made myself out to be. I've decided to make small positive changes to my diet and exercise habits, one at a time until they stick. I've been at this for about 3 months. Intuitive eating really appeals to me as I'm not much of a rules person. I refuse to weigh myself yet because if I find I've put on weight, I hate myself, and if I find I've lost weight I eat a box of donuts so I can hate myself. So far, I've discovered that: I prefer crackers to haribo; the thought of using a gym appeals to me (as you can be a sweaty mess in the comfort of your workout gear, you're not walking around in the street like that); I am starting to prefer tea & coffee with no sugar). What I want out of this is:

I want to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath.
I want to think of myself as fit to be seen in public.
I want to stop sweating all the time.
I want to wear high heels again without my feet hurting after 2 minutes.
I want to wear sleeveless clothes without my arms looking chunky.
I want to be seen in photos.
I want to wear skirts without my legs rubbing together.
I want my GP to put me back on the pill.
I want to wear trousers without having to constantly hoist them up over my belly.
I want to be able to squeeze past people in busy places without feeling I'm taking up too much space.
I want to wear things that suit my personality, not hide my body.
I want to be able to agree to do something without having to work out if my hair and makeup will melt through walking up a hill.
I want my boyfriend to be able to pick me up.
I want to know what food really tastes like.

And I want to do all this without feeling like it's just temporary because I'm on a restrictive diet!

Most recently, I cut sugar out of my tea about 4 weeks ago. So, I just started drinking coffee instead. So, today I cut sugar out of that too... and I actually prefer it! Since a lot of my calories come in liquid form, I'm going to change nothing else and see what effect it has. My ultimate (if arbitrary) goal is 112lbs. Since I'm not going to start weighing myself for a long time because of the psychological tornado it'll produce, my first mini goal is to get into my firetrap trousers. They're 34w and stretchy, and I can get into them, but they're uncomfortable and show off all the bulges in my legs. The day I go out wearing those and feeling good about it, I will pick a slightly smaller piece of clothing and work towards that!

I know that was some rant, but it's more for my benefit so I can look back on it later. I haven't stepped in front of a camera since I was under 200lbs!