My (long) Story .....
 

I will try and keep this as short as I can, please stick with me I really need some advice/help! Ill start with the usual story, I was always chubby growing up, always playing the lose some gain some game. I have been every size under the sun! Then in 2011 I finally decided to join a gym and really get on track, and I did! I worked out regularly, took classes and lost over 50lbs in 10 months. Everything was going great and I had no intentions of stopping, then I got the phone call that changed my life forever. My Mother passed away in her sleep, 2 weeks shy of her 49th Birthday. She had a bad reaction to a medication her Dr put her on and she stopped breathing in her sleep. Its all downhill from here. This news completely destroyed me, I was as close with my Mother as anyone could be, we talked everyday she was my best friend. I was so depressed and emotionally drained I coudnt get out of bed. I lost my job because of it and shortly after I had to leave my apartment. As a result of this I had to move into my Mothers house with my Step Father, this was the worst mistake I made. Being in the house with the constant reminder was more than I could handle, and thats when I started smoking pot, please dont judge, with every hit I took my mind got a little cloudy and the cloudier I got the easier and easier my life became. When I was high all I did was relax and watch movies, my depression wasnt an issue and I was finally able to sleep the entire night, something I was unable to do since I got "the call". I managed to pull myself together a bit, I got a new job and started being social again. Well that didnt last, at this point I am smoking daily and telling everyone that I am fine. Like I said I have always battled my weight and food was always my "go to" when I was upset, needless to say since my Mom's passing I defiantly took comfort in eating. Then when you added weed to the mix my eating got out of control, it seemed to be the only thing I could get me through each day. I would race through work just to get home so I could smoke a bowl and eat, it was the only happy thing in my life. Then things got worse, the new company I was working for decided to "downsize" and I lost my job again, then my Grandmother passed away and then my car broke down. So now I was dealing with another loss of someone I loved dearly, I didnt have 8 hours of work a day to distract me and I was stuck home in my Mothers house all day with no car to get out. Its now been 2 months since I lost my job and my eating and depression are out of control. The further and further I fell the more and more people turned their backs on me, my friends and even my family couldnt deal with me. I was constantly crying, upset, depressed and just sad, one by one people couldnt deal with the mess that I had become. Now here I sit, day in and day out smoking all day, not leaving my bedroom and just eating myself to death. I have gained back all the weight I lost, none of my clothes fit me and i am in a hole so deep I cant see any light at the end anymore. I woke up early this morning and in the moment of being sober I realized how awful I feel about myself. I am thinking about everything I ate yesterday and I am so absolutely disgusted with myself. I have this feeling often in the morning when I wake up after a night of smoking and eating. But then I just smoke more and my problems disappear again for another day. Now I know what everyone is going to say, Stop smoking and get out of the house, go get help, see a therapist call a friend. I know all of these things and I know all of the things that I "should be doing" to get better. But I just cant bring myself to do these things, I really honestly dont want to stop smoking mostly because I dont know if I am a strong enough person to truly deal with the loss of my Mother. I am afraid that if I stop smoking and truly feel these feelings I wont survive it. Can she really be gone? Is this really my life? I keep hoping to wake up to all of this being a cruel nightmare. I had so much going for me, I had a great job, great friends, great apartment and just a good life. Now I am about to turn 27 I live in my dead Mothers basement, all my friends have turned their backs on me and my family has given up on me and I just am feeling like a lost cause. Is there any hope for me or should I just give up already. HELP

ps
 

I forgot to even introduce myself in that post! I'm Matthew, I hope its ok I joined even though I am a guy, I am gay and I feel like the pressure of being a gay man are similar to a girl. I always feel the need to be skinny and in shape in order to fit in! There is so much pressure to be perfect when your a young gay man. Help me!

Wow I gotta say, I couldn't even imagine what you are going through. My mother is my best friend and losing her, I'd probably end up in a hole somewhere and lost. But there's still hope. I do not know how much my words can help but people on this site come from every background and every walk of life. Whenever I feel i need inspiration or motivation, I come here. Even if I don't post anything and just read what others write, it helps so much. It helps to know, I'm not alone. And you aren't alone. Its like Dr. Seuss said, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". I barely know you but I can tell you already acknowledge you need to make a change, its all about small steps! Can't run before you learn to crawl and walk right? :) And its very nice to meet you!

Matthew, there is nothing like losing your mother, I have experienced this myself . I have read your post and don't know what I could do to help you, but you do , it is all in your post read it again and take your own advice. Good luck.

You are stronger than you think you are, Matthew. You know what you want out of life and you can get there again. Little steps... Post whenever you need to, we're always here for you.

welcome, matthew! i hope you find the support you need here!

you cant rely on smoking. yes you might feel completely torn up on the inside, you probably arent strong enough yet, but you cant hide from life and its problems and go on everyday feeling numb. these are the experiences in life that you need to overcome, it'll MAKE you a stronger person.

get rid of the bad in your life, you know what that is and you know whats holding you back.

Hey Matthew! Stay strong! You can do it!

Hi Mathew
try not to overwhelm yourself with too many things to do.
try making one thing doable for you and focus on doing that.
like "I would go outside for 10 minutes today". when I was depressed, just getting out of the front door was a task....
Good Luck!!!