To those to are also realizing their weight struggle: I am writing here because I have tried to express the hurt and pain and fear that I feel to others in my life and there is no one that seems to understand. I don't know if the questions are something they are unprepared to face themselves or they are as in denial as I am. I have changed-dramatically and in a way that I no longer recognize myself in a picture. I feel shame and try to avoid pictures I used to smile for- even one year ago. No one seems to really understand my feelings and some will try comforts like "I think you are still beautiful" or "I don't see what you are talking about" when I refer to the additional weight that has come on at such an alarming pace. Their denial is not in their eyes when they look at me and they pause at my thighs or belly or look not too directly into my eyes. I have noticed these things too but perhaps it is easier to be kind to oneself on a day to day basis. I don't hate my growing thighs and find day to day contentment even with the weight but every once in a while it hits me like a truck when I see myself in photos and the old me the one that had a jawline that was not rounded and eyes that reflected joy out of a my face. My mother was overweight all of the many years that I have been on this earth and the fear of this same fate has always lingered that since she was I would be too. I also fear that even if I do make efforts to lose the weight that the great effort will result in yoyoing back to the place of failure. I fear that I am destined to fail. There I said it. I fear I will fail because I do not know a way to really suceed and I feel very alone.

CherryBlossom -- I feel your hurt and pain right through your post and want you to know that I and many other have felt the same way. You are not alone here and that is so important in the journey you have begun away from fear and into joy.

I wrote the following to another member recently, and wanted to share it with you too in perhaps giving you a place to start. I felt the same as you for many years. I quit trying because I never seemed to succeed. What worked for me was beginning a personal training program (exercise) that I committed to. At the time, I mentally could not deal with the thought of losing weight by diet because it never seemed to work and I didn't want to fail again. I knew it was important not to fail. So -- while I did improve my diet -- I didn't place the whole weight of my emotions on it, which were very fragile and hurt at the time.

So, what I'm saying, is I measured "my success" by the act of doing my program (starting with an exercise program and very shortly thereafter with an eating program), NOT by the outcome of it. I knew I could do the exercise and eating program. I was not sure it would help me lose weight but I decided not to worry about the "losing weight" part.

Well, it has been working. I know I will make it this time. I am nearly 70 pounds down from when I started and I still try not to place to much emotional stock in the actual "weight" but in the "actions". I can control the actions so it gives me confidence.

You can do this, and you must.

Oh Cherry blossom, I do feel identified with many things you said. In my case, I've always been the chubby one (and I use the word chubby because I am not obese and consider myself only slightly overweight). But chubby nonetheless. Sometimes my tummy sticks out and "balloons" as if I had just eaten a dinosaur and my butt is the size of Texas...
But whether you are obese or a little bit overweight, the psychological effects are the same: comparing yourself to other and thinking "I eat as much or even LESS than them, why do they wake up thin tomorrow and I know I will wake up feeling sooo fat?" or not daring looking at your photos...
And the one that resonated the most is: will I end up like my mother?
My husband calls me skinny... but I know I'm not. And it's not in my head, like he says. It a deeper, inner fear that i will lose control and I will go down the same path my mom did. I absolutely love and adore my mother. I couldn't have asked for a better mom. But when it comes to food and body... I wish I had had another example.
She tried thoug. She took me to a pediatrician when I was ten to control my weight (successfully) and then I remember being on diets from then on. My last big diet (700 calories a day) was three years ago. I got to the lowest weight I've eve been and immediately put it all on.

Now I refuse to do another diet. Thanks to all the diets I've done, I have very healthy eating and cooking habits, and I exercise at least twice a week (and because I LOVE my gym classes).But I can't face another diet and another failure. I can't face telling everyone "no, thank you, i can't, I'm on a diet" and have them see me fail. I can't face going to a meeting and bringing my own food.

I am trying to enjoy what I eat and just eat in moderation. I've been trying to win this struggle. But I think... what after I have kids? How am I going to lose the baby weight? Is my husband going to be repulsed by me? Is my daughter going to have weight problems too? Is my family going to be ashamed of me?
Am I ever going to achieve my dream of being a normal-looking wife and mom? I don't need to be 100 lbs. I don't want to be an unnatural thin for me.

But even if I am only a bit overweight (ar around 150~155 at 5'5'') THE WEIGHT IS NOT IN MY HEAD. And my emotional issues and fears with food are the same than an obese person......

I am so thankful for both of your responses! I was honestly wondering if there was anyone that I could share all that with who would identify with me. To CJZee, I can do that one thing, start with just committing to an exercise program. I have done it before years ago and did have pretty good results. I thought I did not then because I was more muscular than skinny but I would love to have that situation now. What did you do for changes to your diet when you were ready to go there?
To ALO22: I soooo feel you. However, have no idea what I weigh since I have not gotten on a scale in a year and being encouraged today I went to find the one I had hidden and cannot seem to locate it. We are probably in the same range but being short one or two pounds can make quite a difference. I have somewhat been preoccupied with the "curse of weight" due to my mom's well intended but scary messages still echo in my head. I cannot imagine what being put on diets and so much attention to one's weight does to a child. Thank you for identifying with my fears. BTW- I my last and only terribly dramatic food change was a fast one year ago. I looked and felt better than I had for a long time but it all came on and thensome right after. I am not sure about calorie restriction.
I realized a lot this past weekend. I realized that the reason why I was so despondent with my changes were not just aging but because I got a lot balence and self worth based on what I looked like. This part was out of whack in the first place. Secondly, feeling like no one understands can be a good thing because if no one can relieve the panic and confusion then you have to face it straight on by yourself. This sucks but no one will see those hidden areas and motivations but you and the Lord. To tackle the whys involves serious soul searching. Which leads me to my last one: my only issue is not not just how I look or my weight. In one way or another I have been trying to find/control/avoid circumstances. Perhaps I will not be successful with anything until I unbury the chaos and fear and control that is probably residing somewhere right below the surface.

Hi CherryBlossom --
I at first did calorie counting. My trainer told me to try 1900 calories a day and I didn't lose on that, so I cut it down to 1550 and I started losing weight very slowly. What I realize now is that any time I start a new exercise regime, I hold onto weight (but that is okay, I'm building muscle, etc.) However, at the time it was disconcerting, so -- after reading a lot -- I decided to go low-carb because I knew it would cut down on my hunger and the likelihood I would fail. I did find that I needed at least 20-25 grams of carbs in the meal I ate before weight-lifting so I added that in, as well as a fast-acting carb (banana) and protein drink immediately after weight lifting. This put me higher than I normally would go on the carbs, but really helped with the lifting so I did it. This was one tweak I did to the program and I have changed it up several times depending on how I'm losing and what is going on in my life. My motto has become "You can't fail if you don't quit."

I don't go nuts, though. When I'm traveling I switch back to calorie counting. I try to stay below 1550 calories and 35 grams of (net) carbs. I have almost totally cut out all wheat, rice, potatoes, sugar, etc. I eat lots of vegetables, but only the occasional low-fructose fruit (like berries.) This has cut my appetite way back and made it controllable. Also better for lots of things like blood sugar control.

I track everything in software every day. This is important even if I mess up, it keeps me accountable.

Re: your final comment on understanding yourself ... DO NOT assume you will fail if you don't understand. It is probably helpful to unbury that fear and chaos, but it is more helpful just to get going and do it. That way you will have some success and structure under your belt which will boost you up tremendously I promise. You will learn a lot about yourself by the actual doing of your program, so start your program first and unbury as you go along if need be. CJ

CherryBlossom
I read your post earlier, and have really done some soul searching myself because I wanted to respond to you.

From what you have said, it seems that you are in personal space where you are not "morbidly obese", as I was at my HW. I understand, it doesn't make it feel any better for you. I WAS once where you are now. When my weight gain was accelerating, I compared pictures and felt pain. I had lost a substantial amount of weight before, and I saw it happening again. I felt pain and shame and discontent. Other people didn't seem to understand and I felt very alone. I let it go awhile...and awhile longer...and then longer...Even at that point in my life I thought 200 pounds would never be MY reality, then one day the scale hit 198. At that point, I really quit caring and before I knew it I was looking at 300.

Now, as I slowly creep down on the scale, I truly hope I have learned enough and suffered enough that 200 will never be my reality again.

I think you have been given a super wonderful gift that I did not have back then; you have found 3FC. Here it doesn't matter if you have 10 pounds or 300 pounds to lose, we are all in this together. Sometimes, a chick will discount their journey because they only have 10# or 20 or 30. I think it's just wonderful when someone gets smarter sooner.

I really appreciate CJ sharing her story, because making small steps in the right direction is so much easier than trying to comprehend the whole process all at once. I, too, measure my success by the "act" of doing my program.

In retrospect, I think I could have turned my situation around many years ago by accepting two things
1) that I needed to have some type of regular exercise
2) that I needed to make some basic changes in my eating habits.

I follow South Beach Diet, which is quite different from Calorie Counting. I think we all have to look at all the "plans" and make our own decisions there. In the end, it's all the same; find a better way of eating and exercising. I am not a treadmill type of person, others are. I find my exercise at the pool and on my bike and I've recently started an everyday 10 min program at home. I stick with my healthy food choices and rarely delve into the foods that I absolutely love and where portion control just doesn't work.

When I started down from 275, I simply cut out the worst foods and started moving more. One thing I'm pretty sure of, is that by just making the first step, that the scale will at least stop going up. I have made 3FC my second home. I'm here every morning sharing the ups and downs with others who feel as I do.

I used to go to our gym and think "I wish I could be like her, or her, or her, or her...." One day I looked and said, "I am like her...I'm eating healthy and getting regular exercise." It is taking awhile for my physical body to catch up because I let it go so long, but I'm on the right track.

I so hope that you stick around and share your ups and downs. I hope that tomorrow, next week, next month and next year will feel better for you than it did the day you first posted. You can have success every single day WHILE you work at "unburying the chaos and fear and control".

I wish for you every success as you take each small step forward....one day at a time.

I have been really encouraged by you ladies who achieved so much. Thank you for your advice and consolation. I should introduce my mom to the site too since I believe that she would be as inspired as I have. So I have a rather silly question: why do so many diets focus on the decrease of carbs? I understand doing without suger but why fruits and grains? I did not eat processed grains for years and avoided dairy for the most part but I am not truly sure how this varies from SB and other diets. I did it out of belief that I could have allergies because I would get bloated and tired after eating these things. I will have bread or rice with my husband now. Eating with a family is very different from eating single (Cooking was a waste of time). This is one of the changes that have occurred in the last year. Also, I drink more coffee drinks and wine much more often and I am sure that the extra calories are following on my belly. I lost my job and so I am generally more sedentary and I am recently married and I hear that often people gain weight after that too. Thoughts?

I am no expert, and I do think many people can eat carbs with no problem. I am *not* one of them. I start to crave foods when I have carbs.

There is a ton of clinical information coming out showing that lowering carbs helps reduce appetite, helps the blood lipid profile (ie lowers cholesterol etc), and generally seems better for health. This combined with many recent studies showing saturated fat in its natural form in meats, eggs, butter, is not the *bad guy* it has been made out to be. (Generally, you end up eating more fat when you reduce carbs, so that's why this is important.)

Gary Taubes "Good Calories, Bad Calories" addresses a lot of this. I don't think anyone knows everything, though. More studies are needed, but here is one that talks about it:

Study on low-carb eating

I don't eat as many carbs as I used to, and have totally cut out white flour and refined sugar in it's various forms (white, brown, corn syrup, powdered, etc). Instead, I focus on whole grains and natural sugar sources. I find as long as I stick to those basics, I don't get in the craving mode.

There are(my opinion) healthy carbohydrates in fruits, vegetables and beans, which I eat as well. South Beach has a very restrictive 2 week period where grains and fruits are cut out, then reintroduced in week 3. I, personally, find that very manageable.

I think there are lots of ways to lose weight (ie specific food plans) and that takes researching them to find a match with your lifestyle. I think that's why the suggestion of exercising and making some better food choices to start seems like a good idea. You can start that right away WHILE you are investigating what plan you want to follow.

Does anyone else feel guilt or like they did can't suceed if they don't do an all or nothing clean eating when following a food program or any other kind of regimine? I seem to forget that I am supposed to be leaving a food out like say I would like to cut back on chocolate or bread and then find myself eating that very thing later.

I never feel guilty. I just make decisions. Generally, I say to myself "this food does not exist for me" if it is not on my plan. I just don't eat it. On the rare occasion when I do eat more than I planned, I don't go crazy with negative thoughts. I think to myself a lot of people "calorie-cycle" so I just accept I did it and that it actually might be a good occasional thing. That way I don't spiral down. I actually don't mind eating MORE than I planned if I stick to the correct foods. It is when I start the carby foods that things can go down quickly. But there are so many lovely non-carby things that it doesn't normally bother me at all.

There is also the rare occasion when I pre-make a *decision* to eat a food, like a dessert I really want. But I DECIDE to do it. It can't be mindless or, again, you might begin that out-of-control spiral.

I do make sure and stay full and satiated. My body has endured many things throughout the years, but I realize now it is my best friend and deserves to be treated with respect with regards to what goes in it. It is really quite beautiful.