[TXMary2]

I posted my introduction in the Calorie Counter section, but I wanted to post here too.

I think this is my third introduction. I am Mary, age 38, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, last weigh in 255 and I am hoping I am still about that weight. I have 3 children 18, 13 and 5. I really, really want to be a healthy weight and fit so I can bike ride with my kids or hike or just chase a ball in the back yard without feeling like I am going to die or need a nap!

I have come here before and I have used fitday.com before, but quit. Several months ago I started a blog because my Grandfather said if I lost 100 pounds (which is my goal) by June 1, 2010 he would give me $1000. Now I only have 8 months to do that so it isn't likely I'll make it. However, I need to lose the weight with or without the thousand bucks. I am sick of myself. I am depressed, lethargic and disgusted. I know I need to increase my activity. Right now I am home mostly every day with my two kids (we homeschool) and while my two guys are very active I am not! I am always sitting unless I am cooking or cleaning and when I am doing those things I need to sit down after a short while.

I get so lost in a depressive fog that I sometimes don't want to function. I can go 2 days without a shower because I just can't motivate myself to do so unless I need to leave the house.

I think I know what I need to do to get started, but then I start second guessing myself. I have a spiral notebook and I am going to do my measurements and go force myself to weigh on the bathroom scale in the morning. I am going to write down everything I eat and measure portions etc. I am going to start with 1800 calories a day and see what happens. Should I be drinking alot of water too?

As far as exercise goes, honestly I am afraid to do it because everytime I do I feel like I am starving afterwards and end up eating so much that it erases whatever benefit I had from exercising. Should I just start out with some floor exercises just to get my muscles in motion? For about 3 months I walked with my girlfriends and I did lose about 13 pounds during a 3 week period that I was watching what I ate, but after I stopped watching the food I put it right back on. I was "starving" when I got home from the walking and I might have been overdoing the walking too for my size- I don't know.

Anyway, all I know is that I want to be healthy and I don't want to miss out on life anymore. I want to look sexy for my husband too- I have put this 100 pounds on gradually over the last 12 years and he never says anything, but I know he'd be thrilled if I lost the weight.

Any advice?