I'm back, I'm different... Re-Introduction
 

Hi everyone!

I don't know if anyone remembers me. It's been a long time since I have been here. I started here back in October of '07. I had been dieting and I successfully lost 15 lbs. However, within a few months, I fell off the wagon and gained it all back, and haven't really been back here since. I have spent the rest of my time since then re-evaluating what I did last time, trying to figure out what went wrong, and I experienced a few epiphanies...

1. Last time, I chose a diet/lifestyle that was just not maintainable. I couldn't eat like that for the rest of my life. I was sad, I was miserable and I felt sick all the time. I tried to cut my calories too fast, and I was eating bland, boring diet foods that never made me feel satisfied.

2. I was pushing myself too hard. Any week that I didn't lose at least 2 lbs was seen as a failure to me. I was weighing myself all the time and became scale-obsessed. Didn't matter to me whether or not I was losing fat or just water weight... I just wanted to see a lower number on that scale.

3. I was exercising to the point of exhaustion. I had this "no pain, no gain" mentality, and I always pushed myself to the limit every week at the gym, to the point of feeling nauseous and shaky every day when I left. Because of this association with exercising and feeling horrible physically, I quickly burned out and began hating the gym.

4. This is the biggie- I tried to lose the weight based on self-hatred, rather than out of love for myself. I hated how I looked, and somehow I thought that happiness would come from being a size 2 or a size 4. I would post pictures of skinny women on my fridge and tell myself that I had to look like them, or I was a failure. I had this illusion that once I became thin, everything else in my life would be perfect. I also had this bizarre idea that people would like me more if I was thin, and that I would be a better person when I became thin.

A lot has happened in my life since I was here last. I graduated college, I found a job, I have made new friends, and I have done a lot of soul searching. And I have started to re-evaluate how I see myself, and how I see happiness. When I was first married, I had moved away with my husband- away from my family, my friends and everything that was familiar. And so I latched onto him, looking to him to make me happy, because I felt like I didn't have anyone/anything else. But, after settling here, and getting a job... I have become more independent. And with this independence has come a lot of self-love... I now know that responsiblity for my own happiness comes from within, and if I have something I want to do/experience, it's up to me to make those things happen... I don't have to rely on my husband or anyone else to make me happy.

This time, I feel like losing weight is going to be different. First of all, I am excited to be losing the weight- not dreading it. I am not looking at this diet as time in my life where I am just going to eat bland, boring diet food... I am looking at it as a way to expand my culinary experiences. Fresh veggies, fresh fruit, healthy oils and fresh organic lean meats... I CAN'T WAIT!! I plan on experimenting and making DELICIOUS meals and enjoying every single moment of it. I don't plan on killing myself at the gym this time... I want to be active and have fun. Go dancing with friends, go hiking with my dog, wrestle on the floor with my husband (no that's not a euphamism, though THAT will burn lots of calories too... ;)).

This isn't about fitting into a bikini anymore. This isn't about vanity, or about numbers on the scale or on the tag of my jeans, or about trying to prove something, or about my own insecurities.... Now, I am doing all of this for the right reasons. I am doing this because I LOVE MYSELF, and I want the best for myself, and I want to enjoy taking care of myself. I only have one body, and I should see it as a gift- the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.

And that is why this time is different... :)

Thanks for listening. I am so happy to be back here, among all of you inspiring, wonderful people. I can't wait to share this journey with all of you!

THAT, my dear, is EXACTLY what this forum is all about. RAWK ON!!!

Good luck!!

Part of success and moving forward is realizing past failures. Frustration comes about when someone does the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Take care and hope to see you around more often!

OMG - what a fantastic post! I know what you mean - i grew up with a Dad who used to tell me I was fat and make pig noises when i looked in the fridge (i wasn't fat as a teen) Made me grow up with this idea that I had to be some other person's idea of perfect.

Now I have given all that up. I just want to buy UK size 12's in the sale cos there are more of them on the rails at sale time. It's all about clothes - how shallow am I? ;)

But seriously, you are spot on about happiness. It comes from within ourselves, there is nothing external which can provide lasting happiness.

I look forward to sharing the journey with you too :)

Yes, MOONRABBIT, I do remember you ~ Glad you have a new vision: that is really the most important revelation! I have yo-yoed way too much and knew that I had to do this for more 'healthy' (see my moniker) reasons; and in a way that was sustainable for the rest of my life. I have to like what I'm eating and what I am doing, or it won't last ...


JEN ~ Do we have the same father? ;) hmmm ... :hug: I'm going for sizes too!:hug:

Beautiful post MoonRabbit. I'm so glad you are finding your true self! You are finding the strength and beauty and love that resides inside each one of us.

JW2BH, I had a similar experience. I always had a muscular build, and was a gymnast and track star in highschool (not overweight at all), but always felt fat and ugly because of my step father, who happened to like women with skinny legs. I wonder how many of us have issues because of someone ridiculing us when we were younger. I know my thighs are larger than a lot of women, but I still had beautiful shapely legs when I was not overweight, and some men love my legs. I just never got past the image of not having the ideal legs that I was raised to believe were "desirable".

It's so hard to love your body when you are fighting against this unrealistic dream of looking like a model or movie star.

I really wish this country did not push the supermodel look so much (and that trend just seems to be getting worse now that there are so many celebrity shows on TV and more magazines glamorizing women who have skinny bodies.

I wish the media would market healthy bodies instead.

I remember you and your posts - so glad you came back!

Sounds like a lot has happened since you were here, and I'm betting that you WILL do it this time :)

MANY of us have lost weight for the wrong reasons or the wrong way - consider the wisdom you now have because of your experiences on your journey.

I look forward to many more wonderful posts from you :D

Great post. YES, YES, YES!

receidivist--your legs are in good company--have a look at my screenname! LOL...

Even WITH running 3 miles a day my thighs are 22.25...and my calves 16"!

All of your legs are in good company! My thighs are big and strong ... i even once got myself down to a UK size 10 (in my 20's) and my thighs STILL stayed big!

And you're right about the hopeless "ideal" of a woman in the media ... but look on it this way. if you were famous, you'd have everything you ate and drank strictly controlled and be practically frogmarched out for workouts. Gimmie my freedom any day! Far more healthy

you guys are awesome! Thank you for the warm welcome back :)