Hey everyone!

Okay, so when I filled out my "bio", it would only let me type a certain amount of words and I could barely say anything! Here's my story, what lead me to and where I am today. It's alot, for as young as I am, and I'm sure its an interesting read and I definitely want supporters so here you go:

*IT MAY SEEM LONG BUT I PROMISE IT'S WORTH READING! LOOKING FOR SUPPORT, PLEASE READ!* :] THANK YOU.

I grew up 2nd child out of 5; we're all within a 10 year range. All of the boys are tall; I am only 5'3''. We are waiting to see if my sister will be tall, she's 10 right now, and if so - I'm the only shorty! Point is: I got the short genes.

Even though I thought differently, I may have not been tall but I guess I was the one with the looks [ughhhhh I don't agree with this so I hate admitting it] and definitely the one with the personality traits. The others, all boys minus the youngest sister, are more "genius/non-conformist" types. They're pretty big, too. Thick and tall. I'm more of the "social butterfly", I guess.

Well, although compliments may come and people tell me those statements above, I do not ever really believe them. You see, ever since I was young [the youngest I can remember this taking place is 4 years old] I felt bigger than everyone else. I felt like when I walked I could hear the ground thud and that I was bigger than all of my friends. I even have memories of trying to be just like my "skinnier" friends, like - walk at the same pace as them at recess, wear my hair the same, etc.. just because in my young mind I figured "oh, well if I do everything the same as them, I'll be skinny and pretty like them too!". (Wow, I haven't really shared that with any one before).

Truth be told, this was not even the case [at all]. If anything, I was slender and skinnier than most of them! Anyway, thats all way back in the elementary school days. Years passed, obviously. Like I said, in high school I was in the "fast popular crowd". You know, smoking and drinking by the age of 13, etc. Ridiculous now that I think about it, but at the time I thought I was just on top of the world. Literally. Everyone knew me; some even told me they aspired to be me! (Sounds conceited and I'm sorry but I am the least cocky person you will meet. Just bear with me and understand that none of this is fabricated and I'm just telling my story). I had the hot older boyfriend, I had the good grades, I was invited to the parties. At the point where it felt like it couldnt get any better, my world began to crumble.

Summer 2004 I felt like my "oh so perfect" life was shot to ****. I lost my best friend, broke up with my year+ boyfriend, had too fun one night with alcohol and parents were called, and then exactly a month later caught smoking. Absurb. I felt like everything was so out of control, and I guess my own underlying way of controlling it was through food/eating. This is when I developed anorexia nervosa. I lost over 30 pounds in 2 months, from the good and thin 130 to less than 100.

I do NOT want any of you to think I became anorexic because "being skinny is the latest fad". I did not ever say "Okay, I'm going to starve myself because thats all I can do". It just happened. People asked me, and still do, "Was it hard?". Answer: No, because I wasn't trying to "starve myself". It happened way out of my control. It just... happened. I just... stopped eating. [Note: I had "just simply stopped eating" typed, but this story called my life is actually anything but simple].

After a year of near-death fears and hospital visits, binge-eating began and not much vomitting/laxative abuse.. yet. This led to a 60+ pound weight gain in just a short month. I know, unbelievable.. but believe it. I don't feel like going into this year of "feeling like a fatso", because it was ****.. to me at least.

I was so unhappy with myself. I felt so fat [God, I hate that word]. I became depressed [who wouldn't after going through anorexia and looking like a skeleton and then all of a sudden being fatter and 20 pounds heavier than I had ever been in my life? Not to mention the thousands of people I knew who WITNESSED this physical change without being able to understand.. most not even caring to.].

I was put on prozac, went to therapy - none of it did much, at all. I felt manic and scared and upset and let down. A huge fat failure. This was junior and half of senior year of high school.

Finally, a year ago (Jan 2007) when I was a senior in high school, I took control. I lost weight over a matter of months, healthily too! Well, not fully - I was throwing up on avg twice a week, sometimes more and sometimes less. BUT - it takes a while to recover, and definitely lessened as time went on. Mainly, I was trying to eat 1500 a day, all ridiculously healthy foods and throughout the day. I was probably a bit too restrictive sometimes, and I was definitely still binge eating pretty often. [about once a week I guess.. but something makes me feel like it was more like 2 or 3 times.] Oh yeah, and I started working out. Mostly running. I started not being able to go ten minutes straight, but by the end I could do a good, slow jog for an hour! [Don't forget about my legs being stubs! This was fabulous for me, I'm not some olympian runner you know..]

By summer, I had gone from 167 (heighest) to around 143.

I remained at this for a bit. I started college, recently, in August 07. At first I was on a roll: started working out almost every day for 45 mins to an hour. I wasn't eating that much, probably not enough [Around 1200?]. Still would binge about once a week, but would be so mad about it and would work out extra hard and eat that 1200ish amount the next day. I had just started taking adderal about a month ago [because of attention defecit disorder.. didn't take it in high school because my perfectionism let me perform well, plus all the other shi* that I was already going through]. So, I wasn't really trying to starve myself, my appetite was really being suppressed a bit. However, the new found freedom and independence of college, not to mention my new thinness and toned body, made me want to.

A few months ago, I'd say about early Nov 2007 to now, early Jan 2008, bingeing took control again.. kind of like it was before I "took control" a year ago. I tried and tried and still am trying to stop these behaviors and get better. I set up a nutritionist and therapist at college even before this was happening, and even though I was seeing them weekly, emotions and just the transition and stress of college made me get too stressed/anxious and lead to using food as an outlet, of course.

This leads me to where I am now. January 12, 2008. This constant bingeing for the past two months, not to mention that it was basically an everyday affair for this whole month off of vacation, [I havent been taking my adderal.. does this have to do with it? Hmm.]. I have truly gained "the Freshman 15". But! Whether or not this is typical for some college students, mine wasnt because of the excessive alcohol and different foods. Mine is because of compulsively over eating, and now not purging [I completely stopped this summer - I know, kudos to me]. So basically I feel like I've blown up. Oh yeah, and stopping my work outs 5-6 days a week about two months ago didn't help either.

My friends honestly say I don't look different. Maybe I don't, maybe you can "barely" tell. For me, though, the way I eat makes the way I see. So, if I binged for a week straight, the mirror image was just disgusting to me. Reality wise, I probably gained about 10 since college. I recently decided stay away from the scales [finally listened to the therapists after 3-4 years of telling me to do so while dealing with these multiple eating problems]. But since you probably want to know, and I guess it is kind of vital information, I'm going to guess I'm about 155. So that means I went from 140-155 this first semester of college.

I felt depressed this Holiday break on most days. I slept on average 12 hours a night, a definite change coming from the maybe 6 hours a night while college was in session. I was really upset with the way my "*** grew" as the days of bingeing went on, especially since I "see exaggerated". Not even a week ago, I was crying to a good friend on the phone at 3 in the morning about how "I feel I will never gain control again. I am upset and can't do this". However, for the past four days I've FINALLY been doing better with the whole attitude and not bingeing. Well, I did last night. But that means I went three days without doing so and messed up last night but life goes on you know?

Okay, I'm going to try and end this now because I know its long and I am at the "now". Basically, as a new years resolution, but more so a LIFE TIME resolution, I want to and am going to get better, once and for all! The right way! No starving, No bingeing. No throwing up, No laxatives.

We can do this. I'm going to work out [I'm definitely going to need yalls support for this one! I've gotten off track]! I'm going to eat right [and yall are going to help me and likewise!]!. Because you know why, I can. and YOU CAN. Meaning WE can.

At my young age of 19, if I've been through all of this and can get better once and for all, YOU can too.

I know I am young, but I like to truly believe that I am wise beyond my years. This website obviously has lots of users, and it is almost intimidating to see that a new post comes about every other minute.

I am looking for a group of good, solid supporters. Oh, and I know this may have had a "sarcastic" edge, but I honestly am one of the most caring people and will DEFINITELY help any one who supports me out too. I always give and give, and I like it that way, so I will love to help you out too!! (I mean it!).

I'm new to this website, so bare with me! But definitely reply if you want to be one of those supports and want help from me. Don't judge from the age, judge from the experience. Oh, and don't forget.. we can do it!

And we will.

Thanks so much for reading and listening,
it truly means the world.
<3 Me

Welcome to 3FC My heart goes out to you, you've been through so much, much more than anyone should have to experience in a lifetime, and yet you've gone through it all in just a few years You sound like a very smart and determined person, and I do believe you will overcome this and attain a permanent and healthy lifestyle. Please feel free to join in any of our forums that look interesting to you, I think you'll find the support you need Good luck!