Doing something is better than nothing
I'm a complete newbie--but have been lurking for a couple of days. This seems like a great community and I'm already so inspired by you all, especially the before and after pictures. I'm just starting to believe that gaining weight doesn't HAVE to be a snowball effect. I posted a longer introduction in the "featherweights" sections.
I'm 30, newly divorced and live in Chicago. Oh, and overweight, but that's obvious or I wouldn't be here.
I was always thin--too thin, I think, until college. But during puberty my family would comment on my body and how "heavy" I was getting. When I graduated from high school I probably weighed 110-115 lbs (didn't have a scale). During high school and college I always thought I was fat. I look at pictures and can't believe I ever thought I was "fat"--I think what I didn't like was my wide hips.
After I graduated from college I moved to Mexico for a year, where I lost weight. Surprisingly, when I got back, my mother still thought I needed to "get in shape" and lose a few lbs for my wedding. I think I had returned to my high school weight.
During graduate school--and my marriage--my weight started to creep up. But I was too busy to mind and some of it was probably muscle mass, as I started exercising (hiking, yoga, walking) for the first time in my life. I felt strong and good and was a size 4. But as my marriage started to sour and I got busier and busier, I started to eat more for comfort (food was a shared passion with my ex and one of our favorite ways to spend time together was cooking elaborate meals) and cut back on exercise. I moved up to a size 8 by the time I was thirty and stayed like that for about 3 years. I also developed curves, which I and my husband both liked. (I had had wide pointy hip bones before, but no butt or boobs).
About 4 years ago I gave up all exercise and started eating take out because I was writing my dissertation and perceived myself as being "too busy." I was a size 10-12 when I moved from LA to start my first job 3 years ago. In Feb. 2006 I went on medication for a medical condition which had bad side effects for me: I was suddenly be ravenously hungry all the time-- I weighed 162 when I started it and weighed 187 when I stopped 4 months earlier. After the doctor's appt. when I learned of my weight (I never had a scale) I went home and cried. I knew I had gained weight--I was up to a size 14/16 and had had to spend so much money buying all new clothes that winter and spring. Nonetheless, before the medication, when I was 162 I had convinced myself that I looked good and didn't want to be superficial and worry about my weight (in fact, this is the first time i've ever "talked" about this--all the women I work with and most of my friends are stick thin and I don't want to draw attention to myself or seem vain).
Now I see pictures from then and think I looked awful and bulgy. I am prone to a double chin and in those photos my face looks fat. I lost my waist (I've always had a waist) by the time I hit 187. It was awful to go to the annual conference for my field and have people completely not recognize me. Still, at the time, unless I looked at myself naked (which I avoided) or in pictures (I stopped letting people photograph me), I didn't feel bad about my weight day-to-day. I thought I was plump but not obese. I actually did hit the low end of obese for my body type and height. I also had convinced myself that "not everyone is beautiful and thin, why should I feel entitled to be thin and attractive?" I also felt, because I had gained the weight so quickly (and continually--had to buy new pants every couple of months) that I was out of control and would never be a normal weight again.
Fast forward to May 2007. My husband walked out on me. By the time he had left we were drinking every night and totally overeating together. He told me he left partially because I was fat and ugly. The stress made me feel physically ill, I rapidly dropped 10 lbs. Then I started eating again, but less. But I still lost weight and could fit size 14s again.
In August I decided I wanted to feel better about myself and I needed an outlet and to do something healthy for me . I cut back on drinking and started working out. I am now a size 8-10 and have more energy and confidence than I've had for years. I am continuing to lose weight, but not as quickly. For the most part I'm okay with that--I don't mind if the last bit is slower--I plan on continuing to exercise, weigh myself and eat healthily.
I don't feel like I trust myself, though. I never liked my body when I was young and thin, then went into a period of denial that I was overweight, then realized, horror-struck that I was fat and felt terrible. And now I am feeling confident. What if I'm deluding myself? At least I look in the mirror when I'm naked now and have goals and they don't seem so impossible, given what I've accomplished. I just don't want to go overboard and get obsessive or else do something I can't maintain and gain it all back.
Thanks to you all for making this a place where I can share this.
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