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Old 12-10-2012, 03:01 PM   #1
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Default How did you feel when you reached goal. Surprising reaction.

I have thought about posting a thread about this for several days but have have held off because I didn't want to seem like a downer. I met goal on 12/7/12 and was excited and proud but did not feel like I thought I would.

That being said, for several years, I have been unhappy with the way I looked and how much I weighed. I felt embarrassed and oftentimes acted in ways that allowed me to not partiicapte in life because my confidence was in the dumps. Over the course of the years, I have said to myself that if I weighed X then this would be easier, my stress would be less, my energy would be better, my confidence higher, my anxiety less, and on and on. Give me any scenario and I could follow it up with "it would be better if I weighed X". I beleived this wholeheartedly.

Now that I have arrived so to speak, I am recognizing that this is not the case. My worries, my anxiety/depression, stress, have not gone away and I am not instantly happy with my confidence surging through the roof. My problems have not been erased. Unfortunately, there is still work to be done and compounded at the moment with fears of regaining, etc.

My family is obsessed with weight and for many years I was praised because I was thin and active. I come from a family of mainly women so the talk is always who is gaining/losing, etc. When I gained weight (around 40lbs) my great grandma (yes great gma who is 94) would make comments like "your gaining weight, looks like you are gaining weight, looks like you have gained a few pounds, etc. How pathetic is it that a 94 year old person is making comments like that? And may I add that she is mean spirited in the process? Like as if I don't know, or anyone for that matter, when they are gaining. DUH! Also, my aunt, who I posted about earlier, made a comment a few weeks ago 2.5 seconds after she walked in the door about my gma (not great gma) doing "that diet and gaining all of it back". Yesterday, while visiting my great gma she says "oh you look so thin, you must be thrilled, I bet all your friends are so pleased with how you look, I am so happy to see you looking skinny again". WTH kind of comments is that?

I know, or maybe I don't, that they are meant to be complimentary, but either way, they really mess with my head. Like before when I was 40lbs heavier I wasn't worthy of loving as much? Then she follows up the compliments with you know your grandma gained hers right back. Ahhhhhhhhh, I really feel like I am going to loose it with all the regaining talk. It's so pathetic!

I guess where I am going with this is that I am not relieved to be done and celebrating with food but staying focused and feeling extremely fearful of gaining.

Also, I know this may sound silly, but I have not been disclosing how much weight I have really lost. I am saying about 15lbs when its nearly double. I guess I have some issues around that too.

Sorry for the venting...
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Old 12-10-2012, 03:47 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by eandc2006 View Post

I know, or maybe I don't, that they are meant to be complimentary, but either way, they really mess with my head. Like before when I was 40lbs heavier I wasn't worthy of loving as much?

Also, I know this may sound silly, but I have not been disclosing how much weight I have really lost. I am saying about 15lbs when its nearly double. I guess I have some issues around that too.

OMG this is EXACTLY how I feel! I am not at goal yet, but have lost 55 lbs and actually look pretty normal as opposed to looking so heavy. I was at a party sat where people haven't seen me since i started the diet. It was actually the first time I was the skinniest one there, the others were all heavier than me for the first time in my life. You'd think I would be on cloud 9, but I was not feeling as awesome as I thought I would. I didn't want to tell them how much I lost. Like you, I find I have issues telling people how much I lost. Like you I feel like, what was I not worthy at my previous weight? I know it's my issues but am glad I am not alone feeling this way. I know people mean to be complementary but all I take it is as a slam against my previous self.

I also have to deal with EVERYONE wanting to know how I am going to keep it off when they ask about my weight loss. I get offended about this too . Again it's my issues and I need to figure out how to deal with them. But like really? I just figure if I gain the 5-7 they say people gain every year, I will just go back on IP for 2-3 weeks once a year probably on Jan 3rd and get it off if I can't get it off during the year. My husband who is the most supportive guy out there says it is totally my issues, people are just being nice and I need to be happy and accept my new self. Hmm that seems to be a bit hard for me. I wonder if it is because it took me 20 years of gaining 5 lbs a year to get to this point and I think I am going to change my mental picture of my self in just 20 weeks? I look in the mirror and still can't believe it's me. Like I said, I still have more to lose but still.

Anyone have any advice for dealing with these feelings?
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Old 12-10-2012, 04:06 PM   #3
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I'm not sure what to say...other then don't make their negativity your issue?

I have a friend off line who's lost similar amounts of weight as me. She gets really 'down' on herself when someone says "you look great" because she thinks it's affirms that she looked horrible 'before'. We often discuss it as I have a different way of thinking of it.

When a man winks at me, I laugh. Because I think "how great is my man that he could 'see' me through all the layers and how lucky am I to have found that man" It does make me uncomfortable but it DOES make me appreciate my VIP (Very Important Person/fiance) WAY WAY more.

What they say to you is their world, don't make it yours. And that you're recognizing it means that you are working on reframing it. “Life is 10% of What Happens to Me and 90% of How I React to It”

When they ask you "how will you keep it off?" etc etc Just say "I will" with confidence. Whether you feel the confidence at that moment doesn't matter cause you WILL keep it off and the more you think it and the more you say it out loud the stronger you will become.

The more you analyse the negative comments the harder it is on you so you must find a way to 'release' them. Think of a little fella shoveling the crap out of your head? Just a scoop and a shovel over and over (like counting sheep).

Write down all the good things that people have said or all the kind things you've thought about yourself (like a shirt you wore that made you feel good while wearing it) to remind yourself that your goal is "HAPPENING"...right now...right here.

We all have self esteem issues and we all have something to work on. It's reframing it that really helps. I have told people here in my TOPS group "I still have my issues and the old me flares up, today now I'm managing them...I plan to manage them tomorrow but I won't know until tomorrow"

The anxiety of 'gaining' it all back slowly dissipates (it's way less then what it was when I first hit goal), it flares up...and then goes away. Because I'm learning my body and what I can eat and how I can eat. Yours well too, just like Phase 1, it's a process not an event. You'll figure out maintenance.

Started IP - 19 Apr 11 - Hit Goal -18 Apr 12 Maintenance - 17 May 12
All about baby mode: Sept 2013-Dec 2014
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Last edited by Ishbel; 12-10-2012 at 04:09 PM.
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Old 12-10-2012, 04:31 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Ishbel View Post
The more you analyse the negative comments the harder it is on you so you must find a way to 'release' them. Think of a little fella shoveling the crap out of your head? Just a scoop and a shovel over and over (like counting sheep).
Great visual!

For the older generations remarks, I do believe that the older people did believe that they were only valued for their thinness. My in-laws are the same way. All generations seem to view beauty differently.

For the maintenance questions, I always reply that maintenance is the hard part. I usually assume that they are asking because they struggle with it too.

Since we are groomed to think we need other people's approval we need to break free of "the good opinion of others" and be happy with ourselves, leaving their negativity with them.
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Old 12-10-2012, 05:08 PM   #5
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An ah-hah moment when you said that compliments in some way feel like a backhand to your old self. So true for me.

I guess one way to deal with this would be to stay positive and assume good intentions from people and their comments. I want to do that...and I will try to do that...and I will will shovel when some nasty (or percieved rude comment) comes out. I do love the idea of visualization.

I guess when it all comes down to it, I am angry in some ways that my family has placed a value on being thin (not healthy mentally or physically) but THIN and has created issues for me (and probably many others in our family) about my weight. Like whoever is the skinnest is the most worthy of love, affection, must have it together, and blah blah blah.

While it may seem silly to feel angry about it, it is afterall weight, not abuse or neglect, the impact has been profound. I think the reason why I don't want to talk about how much I have lost is because in some ways I think they liked when I was heavier and it was a dig they were guaranteed (she couldn't stay thin fovever, look at how much weight she gained). By confirming the number, I am essenitally an active member, another victim to the dieting that our family has purported and thived on over the years.

Yes, I think I am angry. This is going to take some work I think. Now that I have let it all out over here, I think I really need to do some processing especially because I am headed home over the holidays.
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Old 12-10-2012, 08:47 PM   #6
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Just a thought about the grandma's comments. I am 65 and my mom is 89. She is in the early stages of dementia. The sad thing about the whole situation is that the silver lining of the dementia cloud is that we can finally have conversations that isn't centered around my weight.
Oh course they are about fascinating topics such as where she left her hearing aid but way better than when am I going to lose the weight.
Make choices today that your future self will thank you for!
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Old 12-11-2012, 02:14 AM   #7
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I am not at goal, but I did get there about 12 years ago, after gastric bypass surgery. I didn't feel as elated as I thought I would either. I thought all my problems would be solved if I was thin. But losing the weight just solved being fat! The rest of my insecurities etc. still needed to be dealt with.

(FYI - I regained about 35 lbs over the following 3-4 years, which is what I'm working on again now.)
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:04 PM   #8
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I can empathize as well. One time about 4 years ago I lost an incredible amount of weight and was within 30 lbs of goal. I was depressed at this new body. I didn't know her, she was foreign to me, yet I was stuck with her.

In the end I realized that with each lb I lost I was pulling back the layers of protection that allowed me to not live, disengage from people, and withdraw. I was so scared of the vulnerability I was feeling and the attention I was getting, especially from men.

There was obviously some issues there that I needed to deal with.
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Old 12-12-2012, 10:00 AM   #9
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eandc2006, oh how those little words from those that are supposed to show us unconditional love can be so stinging! They cut to our core and make us question who we are. These little words can infect our soul and if we let them, turn our world upside down. My mother is very much a control freak. The way I eventually dealt with her mean-spirited words were to move away and begin my own life. Eventually we reconciled and she realized this type of relationship was not healthy for us. Neither of us changed 100%, but surrounding myself with a new "healthy" family helped me realized what I could take from my blood-family and what I should just let fall away.

A couple of books were really helpful to me. Genene Roth has written many books on the emotional connection between food, relationships, and body image. I would strongly recommend to any one that has been dealing with this type of issue to read and work through her Breaking Free from Emotional Eating. This book really helped me realize how much of my day to day thinking was embedded with the though that 1) I could start living life AFTER I lost all of my weight and 2) that everything wrong in my life was rooted in my fatness. It was an emotional process for me to work through the book, but really helped me realize I needed to reframe much of my thinking related to weight and body image.

A second book I would strongly recommend is The Mom Factor by Cloud and Townsend. This book really helped me see that 1) no family is perfect and it is OK to recognize that and 2) if you are not getting the Mom (Grandma, aunt, sister, etc) that you need, it is OK to find people to fill those gaps in your life.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain, especially after you worked so hard to get rid of weight you did not want. I hope you find comfort soon!
Things I'm Most Looking Forward To:
More E-N-E-R-G-Y
Buying stylish, not oversized clothes
Being a healthy role-model for my nephews, students, and godson
Horsebackriding without guilt

Last edited by FutureFitChick; 12-12-2012 at 10:01 AM.
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Old 12-12-2012, 02:50 PM   #10
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You have gotten great advice. I would like to add that people tend to be hardest on their own demons...so it is likely it is their own insecurity that leads them to the comments that are mean spirited. For me, I also tend to be over sensitive about my weight and especially keeping it off because I have been every size under the sun and back in the last 11 years.

My approach now is to just be honest. I KNOW that keeping it off is going to be a fight... but I am going to do my best.

Lastly, I think that the older you get you lose filters. If your great grandma thought weight was important for worth (which let's be honest how many women dont think this at some level) then she really does mean well...she wants you to be happy. Her social filter is just less.

Congrats on your loss! It is a great achievement!

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