great thread dana
i'm susan...51...and have been heavy my entire adult life. i was very active as a kid, a cheerleader in school, played sports and was on the swim team and a jr. lifeguard at the beach for 2 summers!! then i got married at 18, had my first child at 19 and then had 4 children by the time i was 25. yes....4 kids ages 6 and under. during that time i gained over 50 pounds with each pregnancy. by the time i had my 4th child i was staring 200 extra pounds in the face! i never learned how to deal with that. never. spent the next 20 years raising my kids, foster parenting many others, and then went though a sad and unwanted divorce, having been told...i don't love you, i don't want you and i dont need you... then i had to learn how to live ALONE for the first time in my life. i think i spent that entire first year crying myself to sleep and stuffing my emotions with food! add on another 50 pounds to my already over loaded frame and now i was 250 pounds overweight. i didn't care really.
i was an overachiever in school, made the honor roll most semesters, always seemed to give more than asked for. i would take in stray kids, stray dogs, and even stray families...i guess i over-loved....because i knew what it felt like to be un-loved. if i set my mind to do something, there wasn't anything i couldn't do!! i went back to college after my divorce and made the deans list for 2 years in a row and graduated with a 4.0 and one of the top in the class!
so why....WHY....couldn't an educated, smart, resourceful, inventive, creative, loving lady....conquer the task of losing weight?? i have NO idea!
it would infuriate me to lose 20 pounds and GAIN BACK 25!! i did that year after year. i saw that scale creep closer and closer to 400 pounds. i cried at the thought. i wept. i remember watching football with some friends and seeing a lineman come on to the field and being announced...as MASSIVE...and weighing in at 320 pounds. i weighed MORE than an NFL lineman! i was MASSIVE. i went and hid in the bathroom and cried as friends watched the football game and cheered. pathetic.
how could i give so much of ME to every good cause and help so many others when i couldn't even HELP myself?? how could someone who was so dedicated to giving have so little self esteem?
i stumbled on IP accidentally...when i saw another lady, (wuv) talking about it on 3fc. i was struggling to lose weight but could not afford to join IP or buy the foods at that time. now a year later, i have seen her lose so much weight and get her life back!! i finally was able to start ip using both ip products i order online and alternatives.
i don't know if i can do this until the end...but i want to try. i want to get my life back. i want my next 50 years to be healthy and full of the sparkle that is in my heart. i'm tired of being fat. i'm tired of being envious of others who have succeeded at weight loss. i want to become a success story. i want to have HOPE.
i want to be fabulous at 50!!