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Old 10-26-2010, 05:18 PM   #1  
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Default Issue with my daughter...advice please

Hello everyone. My daughter is 21 and married and very sad with her life choices....she is 150 pounds overweight or more. She has no money to do IP. I cannot pay for both of us to do IP. She lives six hours away. Do you think this plan can work just as well with alternative? I am so worried for her. I also cannot pay because I have paid for this and that and this and that again....and she has no ownership so whatever this or that is (a car, a diet, rent, etc) at the time gets forgotten. Any advice is appreciated.
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Old 10-26-2010, 05:52 PM   #2  
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If she wants to lose weight she could try just strait calorie counting. There are lots of super cheap meal ideas that are lower calorie choices.
Oatmeal, soups, rice dishes.
You don't need a fancy diet to lose weight, you just need to watch what you eat. She can try a website like Fitday to track her calories.
Also if money is an issue walking is free.
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Old 10-26-2010, 06:09 PM   #3  
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Your daughter is 21, married and an adult. However, she will never act like one until she can't run to mommy to save her every time one of her bad decisions bites her in the butt.

It's tough love time. Enabling all those bad decisions isn't helping. She can lose weight in any number of ways that don't cost more than what she is currently spending. She just has to want to do it.
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Old 10-26-2010, 06:35 PM   #4  
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I have to agree with robin, if she's 21, married, and out of the house she is an adult now and responsible for her own decisions. I don't follow plans like medifast and so on purposely because I want to be able to do it on my own after I stop using the program. Hence why I take the time to cook and shop and plan my meals.

Your daughter needs to come up with a plan that works for her, and if she's plagued by fatigue and doesn't have the energy to do this I suggest she see her doctor and get a physical done, in the meantime she should at least start taking vitamins, switch to water, and start eliminating junkfood and eating out. She has to have the determination to do this and ask her hubby for support if he is a factor in her weight gain.

Good luck!
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Old 10-26-2010, 07:44 PM   #5  
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A fellow IPer here -- :hugs:

You know from your own experience that when you were ready to address your weight and health issues, you made the choice. You understood what it would take and what you would give up (time, food, money). You took action. It doesn't sound as if your daughter is in the same frame of mind.

I was once a lost, unhappy early-twenty-something. I speak from experience that one of the best things you can do for your daughter is to support her to make a plan for her life and support her to take action on that plan. And by support, I don't mean money -- I mean encouragement, coaching, holding her accountable, and making sure she has someone in her life to kick her butt when she needs it. It's probably not appropriate at this stage in your relationship for you to be the butt kicker. In my opinion, assisting her with the costs of the first month or two of counseling or of prescription anti-depressants would be a generous, supportive parental gesture. Buying product for her -- official or alternative -- is unlikely to result in improvements in her health, her life, and your relationship with her.

Ask her
- what she wants
- what she thinks she can do about it
- what she's willing to do about it
- what she's going to do about it, and when she's going to do it, and when she's going to let you know that she's done it.

What she needs is a sense of her own power and ability to address the sources of her unhappiness. And that's a gift that keeps on giving as long as the first gift you gave her -- her life!

Last edited by I'm svelting!; 10-27-2010 at 12:09 AM.
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Old 10-26-2010, 11:28 PM   #6  
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Hey Darbs,
another fellow IP-er here....
I have a step-daughter who is 19 and while she is not struggling with weight, she too is completely unwilling to take responsibility for her life and continues to expect us to come to her rescue with money, etc. (even though she does not have a job and has not ever applied for one). My DH and I have reached the tough love stage and we are laying down rules and boundaries so by the time she gets to 21 we will be "done" with that role....it sounds like you are at that same point, and I know just how hard (and painful, and sad) it is to to this as a parent. So, I totally sympathize.

I think I'm Svelting has some great suggestions and I heartily agree. Your support needs to be in some time and energy (phone calls, maybe offer to drive to see her for 2-3 days and take her to some appointments so she does not have to do it alone), but not money. And all that you do offer needs to have clear boundaries, as hard as that is to do when we know our children are sad.
She has made bad choices, but SHE needs to make the new, better choices or you are never going to escape this pattern. So, support her in making choices, but don't make yourself responsible for those choices working out....that has to be her problem. Ugh, soo, soo, sorry!
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Old 10-27-2010, 07:27 AM   #7  
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Wow Darbs, As a parent of a 13 YO What I really want is my DD to make good choices, but I know as a child once myself it is really up to her. I agree with a little of what everyone else is saying, just don't be an enabler. Don't enable her to blame you for what she is doing. Earlier this year my DD smarted off to me about how she wanted to try out for volleyball but I wouldn't let her. I promptly told her to not blame me for everything in her life and if she wanted to try out to ‘get er done’. My daughter has Cerebral palsy and walks with a limp, has no peripheral vision or depth perception and is uncoordinated. I was there to support her in her decision, if it was my decision she would have never tried, I have to keep reminding myself it’s not my life-I am living my life. No she didn’t make the team BUT she had a great time with her friends trying out and I have only seen her move that fast at one other place-Disney World.
GOOD LUCK!!
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Old 10-27-2010, 07:49 AM   #8  
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Darbs - as a parent my heart goes out to you because we hate to see our children in pain and emotional turmoil. I think everyone is right about letting her take ownership of her problem. She probably is depressed and needs to have that addressed. As a parent we can support our children emotionally without fixing it for them or forking out the money they want. Sharing information about the IP plan can be support. If she really wants to do it, EAS Carb Control is a protein Isolate with 4 carbs, 110 cal. and 17 G of protein. This drink can easily be substituted for any of the IP packets for $20 a week from Walmart. This is not the ideal, but it works. All you need to do is share the info and see what she wants to do with it. If you were to buy it for her she would take no ownership in the process.

I started with IP and lost about 40 pounds. I felt I was not getting what I needed at the clinic and after 3 months went out on my own with the EAS. I have lost 58 pounds on that. I stick to protocol with very few alterations. It works for me and it could work for her - she just needs to find a will and a way. You are not responsible for the outcome - you can only be her cheerleader. If she doesn't have internet, you can print some of the posts for her to read for support as she is going through her journey, however, do not have expectations because you will be the one hurt in the end if you do.

Last edited by rosemary2612; 10-27-2010 at 07:51 AM.
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Old 10-27-2010, 07:51 AM   #9  
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Just tell her you care, encourage her to search for and develop her solution, and then leave it be. She's an adult. She will either deal with it... or not.

A.
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Old 10-27-2010, 01:16 PM   #10  
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I guess my advice is a little different. Perhaps you have already done some of the things suggested, and they didn't work hence some of the frustration. I do agree, strongly, that she needs to take the initiative and take care of her own life.

I don't think you should go there but if you can find some way to get her out of the environment she's in for a little while, that might help. It seems she can't, or won't, see reality in the world she's accepted for herself.

I also realize anything we suggest is meaningless if she's not willing to take responsibility. I really feel for you, and her.
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:45 PM   #11  
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Thanks everyone. As you can imagine we have taken every route possible the last four years. The big change in the last year is that she is no longer angry back at us. Luckily drugs and alcohol are two things my daughter was never interested in. She was a "solid" girl throughout school (not fat but not thin). She was popular and played sports but never had a boyfriend like all her friends until her senior year....then the two of them gained 100 pounds together. Now she is married to a wonderful man who believe it or not runs everyday and works out at the gym five times a week. I was hoping he would inspire her. I fear so much for her health. I would hate for her to get pregnant at 150 pounds overweight.

Tough love is where we are at....the money stopped flowing about a year ago. She listens when we explain that we love her more than the world, but we can only provide emotional support and not financial support anymore.

I guess....I just want her to be healthy and I fear that she is missing out on a great time of her life.

I was on weight watchers from the time she was 10 to 15 so she knows all about eating healthy and counting calories. She needs a strict program and someone over top of her all the time.

But what it boils down to is....she has got to want it. I know this first hand. Thanks again everyone.
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Old 10-28-2010, 01:22 AM   #12  
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Darbs...I am so sorry for you as well as for your daughter.

Has she showed much interest in what you are doing to lose weight? If so, maybe printing her off some information and sending it to her would be a great way to start. Maybe she could read a PDF of Dr. Trans book or something like that.

I have a similar situation, my brother is almost five hundred pounds and only thirty-five. I worry for his life everyday. I have shared all the information I have with him, have offered to give him some alternate product that I bought and did not love. No deal...he doesn't want it for himself. I often wonder if he is so deep in his depression that his weight is not a problem for him, as he is experiencing such a lack of motivation or interest in anything that he can not see how easy it might be for him. I have eased up on talking to him about it as he is never the one to bring up the conversation. I can't force him and though I am scared he may die very young, ultimately, it is his choice and all I can do is enjoy the time I do have with him and make the most of it.

Obviously you love your daughter very much. She is very young yet and will have to figure out that the way things are now are not working for her. It will most likely take an ah hah moment for her and it will have to be her ah hah moment or it is meaningless. So basically what I am saying is, until she is ready to start asking you questions about what you are doing, or mentions she would like to do something, just continue being a good example by taking care of you and hopefully she will see how good you feel and will want to follow suit. If she is not in the place she is ready to diet, tough love for this situation is making you and your husband put a lot of energy into something that will not benefit anyone in the long run.

Something I do that is subtle to try and get my loved ones on board is sending regular progress photos of myself to everyone I can think of by email and simply put, check this out, in the subject line. I send it to people all sizes, it is also nice hearing everyone's reactions so not only could it help motivate others but helps keep me motivated.

I have done this with EAS the entire time and have lost fifty-four lbs. I loose slower than some, but would never have come this far without it.

Good luck to you, and to your daughter. I know as parents all we want is for our children to be happy, your daughter is lucky to have a parent willing to seek advice from total strangers. Hugs!!
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Old 10-28-2010, 06:40 PM   #13  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by motiv8edmama View Post
Darbs...I am so sorry for you as well as for your daughter.

Has she showed much interest in what you are doing to lose weight? If so, maybe printing her off some information and sending it to her would be a great way to start. Maybe she could read a PDF of Dr. Trans book or something like that.

I have a similar situation, my brother is almost five hundred pounds and only thirty-five. I worry for his life everyday. I have shared all the information I have with him, have offered to give him some alternate product that I bought and did not love. No deal...he doesn't want it for himself. I often wonder if he is so deep in his depression that his weight is not a problem for him, as he is experiencing such a lack of motivation or interest in anything that he can not see how easy it might be for him. I have eased up on talking to him about it as he is never the one to bring up the conversation. I can't force him and though I am scared he may die very young, ultimately, it is his choice and all I can do is enjoy the time I do have with him and make the most of it.

Obviously you love your daughter very much. She is very young yet and will have to figure out that the way things are now are not working for her. It will most likely take an ah hah moment for her and it will have to be her ah hah moment or it is meaningless. So basically what I am saying is, until she is ready to start asking you questions about what you are doing, or mentions she would like to do something, just continue being a good example by taking care of you and hopefully she will see how good you feel and will want to follow suit. If she is not in the place she is ready to diet, tough love for this situation is making you and your husband put a lot of energy into something that will not benefit anyone in the long run.

Something I do that is subtle to try and get my loved ones on board is sending regular progress photos of myself to everyone I can think of by email and simply put, check this out, in the subject line. I send it to people all sizes, it is also nice hearing everyone's reactions so not only could it help motivate others but helps keep me motivated.

I have done this with EAS the entire time and have lost fifty-four lbs. I loose slower than some, but would never have come this far without it.

Good luck to you, and to your daughter. I know as parents all we want is for our children to be happy, your daughter is lucky to have a parent willing to seek advice from total strangers. Hugs!!

Thanks for the thoughts...and sorry to hear about your brother. It is very sad to sit back and watch. I hope my daughter finds the inner strength to better her future. But I will sit on the sideline and provide love and support for her and wait for the day she is ready to do it.
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